• you’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. and you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. you’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.
    • eventually something you love is going to be taken away. and then you will fall to the floor crying. and then, however much later, it is finally happening to you: you’re falling to the floor crying thinking, “i am falling to the floor crying,” but there’s an element of the ridiculous to it - you knew it would happen and, even worse, while you’re on the floor crying you look at the place where the wall meets the floor and you realize you didn’t paint it very well.
    • the blond boy in the red trunks is holding your head underwater because he is trying to kill you, and you deserve it, you do, and you know this, and you are ready to die in this swimming pool because you wanted to touch his hands and lips and this means your life is over anyway. you're in eighth grade. you know these things. you know how to ride a dirt bike, and you know how to do long division, and you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless he keeps his mouth shut, which is what you didn't do, because you are weak and hollow and it doesn't matter anymore.
    • is that too much to expect? that i would name the stars for you? that i would take you there?
    • the boy's no good. the boy is just no good. but he takes you in his arms and pushes your flesh around to see if you could ever be ugly to him.
    • a man takes his sadness down to the river and throws it in the river but then he’s still left with the river. a man takes his sadness and throws it away but then he’s still left with his hands.
    • say hallelujah, say goodnight, say it over the canned music and your feet won’t stumble, his face getting larger, the rest blurring on every side. and angels, about twelve angels, angels knocking on your head right now, hello hello, a flash in the sky, would you like to meet him there, in heaven? imagine a room, a sudden glow. here is my hand, my heart, my throat, my wrist. here are the illuminated cities at the center of me, and here is the center of me, which is a lake, which is a well that we can drink from, but i can’t go through with it. i just don’t want to die anymore.
    • i had a dream about you. we were in the gold room where everyone finally gets what they want. you said tell me about your books, your visions made of flesh and light and i said this is the moon. this is the sun. let me name the stars for you. let me take you there. the splash of my tongue melting you like a sugarcube... we were in the gold room where everyone finally gets what they want, so i said what do you want, sweetheart? and you said kiss me. here i am leaving you clues. i am singing now while rome burns. we are all just trying to be holy. my applejack, my silent night, just mash your lips against me. we are all going forward. none of us are going back.
may 30 2019 ∞
jun 26 2019 +