• diagnosis

i am obsessed with order and organisation

a place for everything, and everything in its place

(but i do not have ocd)

i cannot focus easily

yet when i do, i hyperfixate

(but i do not have adhd)

i worry too much

mind moving around in circles, fears being lived out

(but i do not have anxiety)

i have a black hole for a heart

empty and maybe never full again

(but i do not have depression)

how do i know these things?

it's easy

i speak from countless days and nights

trying to help those who suffer

wondering, maybe me?

but all for nought

for i am nothing without a diagnosis

always felt kind of different

as though someone forgot to tell me the rules

recently felt kind of shitty

even without my guilt

but i can't be different

can't be sad

not without a diagnosis

• confidence

confidence, perhaps, is defined not by the absence of insecurities

but the knowledge that they do not determine your worth

and the ability to thrive despite them

• lyrics

i don't know if i've ever told you

of the lists i keep

song lyrics about you and i

hundreds deep

i doubt i've ever told you

because these days we barely speak

but it's my way of finding the answers

that i so desperately seek

• die for you

if i tried to count the people i would die for

(that is, those not related to me)

i would cover my fingers and toes

spill out onto the ground

like the blood i would spill

one, two, three four

i would jump without a question

countless more

in a them or me situation

but this always gets me wondering

would any of them die for me?

• capabilities

how can one person be capable of so much?

how can someone cause such change in just a few short years?

my life as it stands, divided

before, during, and after

they say you have to make peace with the fact

that you are the villain in somebody else's story

i am the villain in every story

the road to hell is paved with my good intentions

the kinder i try to be,

the crueller i am

the less hurt i try to create,

the more pain i cause

the more i fear causing pain,

the more havoc i wreak

villainy i can make peace with

but the capacity for causing hurt?

now that is a bridge too far

• oxford comma

my life is encapsulated in one small dot

so inconsequential

to some, disregarded

and others, unnecessary

yet my inclusion can change the course of a sentence

or even a whole story

• do i want to die?

i don't want to die

every time i walk over the bridge

every time i pick up a knife

every time i take a pill

i think, i could

but i don't

i'm drowning under the weight of my loneliness

can't tell anyone, anyone about this

the barriers put too high

for them to see

when i go to sleep

i dream not

of a brighter tomorrow but of none at all

i don't want to die

do i?

• cutter

sometimes i wish i was a cutter

certainly i would have more scars

sometimes i wish i was a cutter

i would be drowning, but at least people would know

sometimes i wish i was a cutter

in comparison, it seems so easy

sometimes i wish i was a cutter

but it would be fruitless

why show people your pain when you can cause just as much on the inside?

• clumsy girl

when you're a clumsy girl

it's easy to explain your scars

i nicked myself with the razor in the shower

it was a blister that rubbed a bit too much

an abnormally bad carpet burn

fell over and hit a sharp rock

the cat and i had a fight

when you're a clumsy girl

no one ever asks

why the carpet burn is a funny colour

why the nick always reappears

because when you've ridden your bike into a pole

people stop questioning all the scars and abnormalities

and just accept them for what they are

the little flicker of a question

'why are there so many?'

bubbles to the surface

but never escapes

when you're a clumsy girl

no one really questions your scars

• i want i want i want

i want to be kind

i want to be seen as a good person

i want to do so much good that maybe just maybe it will outweigh all the bad and hurt and pain

but most of all i don't want to write about you any more