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PART ONE

• if "how to" worked, none of us would be struggling as much as we are; all of us would not struggle all the time with being enough, because we would just follow the tips and tricks
• unpack culture and what we're living in: the "never enough" culture
• if we're not doing extraordinary things, we are "not enough;" living an ordinary life is synonymous with a meaningless life
• there's a shame-based fear in being ordinary; we are hyperaware of being lack
• we use shame; we use personal attacks and teardown to hurt in our culture
• comparison is the thief of happiness
• if you're in the arena, no matter what it is, we're going to get kicked around
• I came up with my own definition of love which is at best, ballsy, and at worst, stupid
• love is something we give and take; it's something we cultivate and grow
• belonging is the innate human desire to be apart of something larger than us. true belonging occurs when we present our authentic self through the world, through self-acceptance
  • FITTING IN is the primary barrier to cultivating real belonging -- (fitting in is about accessing the situation and acclimate, and we acclimate out of fear, shame etc.)
• vulnerability: just show up and let yourself be seen
  • don't shrink in; let yourself be seen --> the outcome is rarely shame
  • my goal is to show up and let yourself be seen
• wholeheartedness: what gets in the way of play and rest? shame triggers: exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth.
  • wholehearted folk embrace vulnerability
• we think of vulnerability as a dark emotion, the core of fear and grieve and shame and disappointment -- we're at risk and exposed, so we armor up and not let ourselves be vulnerable
• vulnerability is the birthplace of every positive emotion we need in our lives, creativity and innovation, etc
• you can't access empathy if you're not willing to be vulnerable
• if there's no accountability, there's no vulnerability

PART 2: SHAME TRIGGERS

• what gets in the way of vulnerability?
• what gremlins do you say to yourself? "real writers don't get struggle; don't get stuck" feeling like an impostor
• shame hates having words wrapped along it; metaphors are helpful because of our reaction to the word shame
  • shame drives the "you're not good enough" and "who do you think you are"
  • talk that gremlin down: "I'm writing this, and I'm okay"
  • another gremlin comes back: "who do you think you are?"
• we all have shame and those who don't have no empathy (e.g. psychopaths)
  • the less you talk about shame, the more you have shame
• empathy is "me too, we're not alone"
• differentiating between shame (i am sad; self), guilt (i did something bad; behavior), humiliation, embarrassment
  • shame is correlated with depression, addiction, aggression, eating disorders...
  • guilt is inversely correlated
  • "an addict needs shame like a man dying of thirst needs salt water"
  • guilt is a protective factor against addiction
  • guilt: I'm sorry, I made a mistake; shame: I am a mistake
• blame: the discharging of pain or discomfort; it has no adaptive function
• is shame a good compass for moral behavior?
  • there is no evidence to support that shame is a good way to change behavior (e.g. weight shaming, mom shaming)
  • shame does not mean lasting change
• guilt is adaptive; it's holding up how we behave with who we want to be
• DESERVING is an important variable; self-talk matters between shame and humiliation
  • humiliation: that's a rotten, nasty, horrible teacher, I did not deserve that
  • shame: gosh, I'm so stupid, why did I do that
• a technique of shame resilience - no name-calling; to one another or to oneself
  • we can't talk to ourselves this way - we would rather be the blame than have no blame
• embarrassment: other people do the same thing
  • "gosh, did I really do that?" but embarrassment is fleeting/funny
  • hallmark: we're not alone
• how does shame, guilt, humiliation, embarrassment work?
  • they each work differently for each person; individualized
  • our worthiness lives inside of our stories. orphaning stories gives shame power
  • worthiness has no prerequisites
• shame resilience - empathy is the antidote to shame
  • knowing what shame is, and knowing what triggered it/why they feel shame
  • practice critical awareness around messages that send shame (e.g. expectations)
  • reaching out, telling our story of shame -- they call shame: shame, guilt: guilt, humiliation: humiliation
• when we are in shame, were are not fit for human consumption -- what are the physical conditions of shame? we experience shame as trauma
• shame is the threat of being unlovable, that we are unworthy of connection and belonging
  • we engage in behavior that exacerbates shame, and get back on our emotional feet to take control (how to? take 15 minutes to cry)
  • "this is not productive; I'm gonna need to reschedule this"
• responses to shame: we move away (secret keeping), we move toward (people pleasing), or we move against (using shame to fight shame)
  • when you disappear on people, it pisses them off; it worries them and then it pisses them off; then you have to be like "there was a big story and it was not really a story" moving away is not benign
  • people pleasing: "you're so great" but it's not authentic; shame is maintaining authenticity
  • move against (blaming) - "have you've seen your kids? you should raise them for a week"
• shame resilience is reaching out and telling each other stories, getting someone who could say "I understand" without getting up in their shame grill
• (chapter 17)

PART THREE