• an underground fight club where you gamble on having to perform some odd humiliating act in front of the school the next day or not
• a whole diasporic photography series i've been thinking of lately. in summary it's about blight, commodification and consumability, enclosure & erasure, and failure of representations in media using that power of documenting undocumented people in invisible spaces and sensibilities
• a webtoon where i just use it to interview the circle of queer nb asians that do art and smoke and border on poverty all the time that i discovered when i was first questioning, illustrating their stories with each episode
• i wanted to utilize the chaos of the blm protests to cover for doing street murals using spray paint for black power and solidarity on white establishments but i di...

• likes tattoos and knives
• i flick my lighter and stare at it as a coping mechanism
• i have spent most of my life on the brink of psychosis, insanity, and emotional death. it was traumatic so i should at least get sexy points to show for it
• i dye my hair. maybe i'll even dye it white idk anymore though i'm going through my femboy phase again and i kind of like having long hair rn
• i've saved and dried all the bouquets i received in the past two years and am going to mass burn them in the underpass on a dark enough night. pieces of dried petals currently litter my trunk and passenger seat
• based on reviews i have agood grade in bed
• i'm going to get a motorcycle
• i skate (although honestly this might mak...

places i take my cis dates

• signal hill
• long beach city beach
• sunset beach
• seal beach
• hawkin's pointe
• the source
• if they're lucky and i've been wanting to lately i'll show them the underpass where i go to burn/tag/break shit, but that's more bc i feel like going at the time the date happens than me wanting to show them as a person
• anaheim packing district
• madang in LA

• i don't have one what the fuck people have them? people feel identified by them? it affects who they are and how they see themselves? what thefck
• fuckboy cis male cis male cis male
• femboy hooters
• dokkaebi
• whatever the fuck bonnie & clyde/thelma & louise had going on
• anime trap
• bussy <3
• 7ft white haired anime boy
• trans ___

• "let people judge me as they please--I can deceive them, but I cannot deceive myself" - Leo Tolstoy
• "most people are other people. their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." - oscar wilde

^ i used to think a lot about distinguishing the self from the engrained. i still produce better art when i distance myself from other peoples' work usually

• "letting go is like pulling a tooth. when it is pulled out, you're relieved. but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? probably a hundred times a day. just because it wasn't hurting you doesn't mean you didn't notice it. it leaves a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. it's going to take a while, but it ...

• created and distributed child porn by sending nudes at 17
• breaking and entering/trespassing (idk if hopping a fence is a break in)
• public indecency(?)
• arson
• speeding (~115mph)
• i intentionally stole bubblegum as like a kid and my parents made me return it and there was a cop at checkout and i cried
• in the age of internet piracy aren't we all thieves
• underage drinking
• jaywalking
• unintentionally obstructing a car chase (acab i guess)

• pretention - inauthenticity, label dependence/gatekeeping
• self absorption - childish ignorance/inconsideration, unintentional selfishness
• supremacy
• microaggressions
• people i can't be myself around
• people that get attached to any of my temporal personas
• people that act like they perceive me

• entropy-seeking/risk-taking behavior
• art games
• constantly moving out
• writing songs
• cooking
• going in to work at the fashion house
• driving
• listening to music

• when i laugh it's too much and too hard
• unguarded, i'm really bubbly and loud
• i really like small animals, pink gaming set ups, plushes, and nice packaging
• i have a habit of using internet speech irl incorrectly (i thought people typing the pronunciation of lol as "el oh el" online was funny and tried to do it irl before realizing i was just saying "l-o-l", and say "hungy" and "fuit gummies")
• i laugh at my own jokes..a lot...
• when i cook i put a lot of thought and effort into it so when people don't love it or get excited to eat it i start pouting around

• hurting elderly, children, asian/korean genocide
• breaking down
• family

• chongmin (og name that never made me feel uncomfy. started hating it bc it felt male, now i like it for that reason. don't feel like hearing people try to pronounce it, though. i like hearing koreans say chongminnie and chongminah, that's what my grandpa used to call me)
• min, minnie (never got a chance because someone else at school was named min. derivative of chongmin.)
• bonnie >> bo
• dokkaebi, doks

• "the big things don't teach you something, they make you something. and sometimes you gotta wait a while and see what come of it." - the janitor, night in the woods
• i could draw korean knives/things instead of owningthem
• settler colonialism is about elimination based on access to territory, so diversity does not decolonize
• FUCK ICE! KEEP I.C.E. OUT OF LA
• i want to find books about the usage of plants/herbs and korean history
• it might be fun to pick up pottery, i want to make like...a jade/celadon looking pot

• never really cared about feminism just bc of my repressed trans angst and bc i mostly only saw cishet white savior feminism. i know i should and i do in theory but in practice i ignore..
• didn't fucking get neopronouns like solself for years until i actually bothered to google it because i didn't care
• sometimes i just skip past gfms because i get depressed even if just sharing would boost it
• i preemptively hate anyone that likes kpop/anime. the way kpop stans usually think they have some position to debate korean culture in defense/attack of the idols and the way they attack/boast to each other about learning korean/japanese is really weird. i fucking hate them. i see kpop stans making tiktoks being aggro about people criticizing their korean bc at least they're trying to learn but like. why ar...

TLDR: grandpa/loss issues, pretentious art philosophies, mental illness

• but i'm supposed to do what scares me, right?
• i am a bad person. i know why i've become this way and accept it
• everybody leaves
• without disgust i am nothing
• i don't abandon people
• nothing is sacred - not even the cultures/lives/bodies i care for and inhabit
• yearning and mourning just for the absence of rejection. just for pure unreproachable bliss
• forgiveness as a practice, truth in intentionality since i can't erase the resentment in my emotions. because i can't make my parents die with regrets towards me.
• my life is one gaping wound.
• forming FPs against my will because i am mentally ill, feeling like destiny and in...

shows:

• mr. trot - singing show
• club k.o.m. - traditional music show

films:

• herstory - war
• malmoe - war
• gunhamdo - war
• byunsan - really good
• my annoying brother - ow
• pansori boxer - ow
• vanishing time - wtf ow
• miracle in cell no. 7 - ow
• burning (this one was just weird but ig i'm glad i watched it idk)

haven't watched yet:

• werewolf boy (w song joongki and the girl from strong woman do bong soon)
• swing kids

• i told him i was having a panic attack so he drove me back cutting our hang out short and talked to me in a low, soft voice asking me what was wrong, helping me through basic tasks, and reassuring me
• he was the most graceful dancer i'd ever seen and every other relationship in my life was abusive, the advent of my unhealthy obsession with him was accompanied by the advent of my unhealthy obsession with the gracefulness of the play between suspension and swinging motions in traditional korean dance
• he had the sweetest, most innocent eyes, smile, and laugh i'd ever seen. still does. just the purest soul i've ever known. i wish i could touch what he has, somehow. i still miss him a little bit, even as a friend, but he did cheat on me.
• he was the only one around me that thought about the purity of art through isolati...

college freshman

• reckless self endangerment entropy-obsessed bo
• niche conventionally successful, attractive working adult young professional fuckboy that listens to the weeknd bo

gr12/post grad

• dokkaebi demon queer nb mlm leftist undercut transmasc doks
• eyeliner with docs senior burnout bo eating lunch alone in between the rows of the school theater, with the school therapist or english department, or making ultimate versions of school food for my loser friend group rachel
• human sun, crowds of smitten boys following me around, social queen of team usa dragon boating rachel

gr11-12

TW (obviously)

childhood

• watching people die in front of me
• physical abuse
• verbal abuse
• emotional negligence/stonewalling
• sexual battery
• internalized classism/growing up poor relative to my classmates

mental illness

• homicidal intrusive thoughts
• depressions
• sewerslidel episodes
• hallucinations/psychosis

^ the combined risk taking impulsivity and fear of abandonment is kind of making me think it's bpd bc it encompasses everything

adolescence

• my fucking rice purity score went from 72 to 36 during quarantine
• i love throwing shit away and i'm constantly halfway or tossing/selling all my belongings. i wanna own nothing
• i think i'm cursed, i'm really unlucky and my undiagnosed mental illness returns every two years in a worse form it's really weird
• i have the same disease as corpse husband
• i don't smoke out of respect to the man that raised me
• i used to have a fear of knives related to my intrusive thoughts, i couldn't even look at them but now i like them lol
• i actually like cute pink things
• i don't enjoy eating
• whenever i drive i flip off the cops i see and complain about anyone that has their high beams on

• just fucking fuit gummies. THE POKEMON ONES OR SCOOBY DOO ONES MMM
• rice w kimchi
• rice w soy sauce
• rice w cheddar cheese
• cheddar cheese and bread
• ham w rice mmmMMMMMMMMM like that thanksgiving leftover vibe god that week after thanksgiving was fucking prime time
• untoasted bagel w ham sandwich meat
• hot fucking pockets

• taking a hot shower in the dark with my eyes closed, feeling around for soaps and stuff just using my hands (kinda stopped doing this because i start having trouble breathing)
• sitting by each member of the house at least once before i go to bed
• scribbling in sharpie or nail polish on my wrists and legs
• finding a sunny spot in the house and soaking up the warmth like a fat house cat, or my grandmother by the sliding glass door when i was a child. she was always quiet.
• lighter flicking/staring at the flame wave
• holding items from people far away in my hands and just thinking about them. my bamboo cup from cherry, my photo booth strip and polaroid with kayla, etc

• spain (mallorca, madrid)
• france (donremy, paris)
• britain (london, bath, stonehenge, idk)
• china (langzhuo, xi'an, beijing, shanghai, more i forgot)
• rok (seoul, busan, dmz, jeonju, gangnam, etc.)
• japan (tokyo - harajuku, hachioji, shinjuku, etc.)
• thailand (pattaya, bangkok)
• canada (bc + vancouver)
• mexico (los cabos lol)
• amerikkka (HI maui kauai hawai'i, utah, mexicali, boston, cambridge, va, ny, wa)