The eye of a hurricane

A quiet man with loud thoughts

Who may unleash his terrible storm

If you so deserve it

|

The patience of God himself

To watch others bloom

Sitting on a park bench

Waiting, Waiting.

|

How knowing you must be

To see how impacted I am

By past wounds

Before I can uncover blood

|

There is something so healing

About being held by someone who

Understand mindsets 

He has never occupied himself

|

You're a starving soul, someone who

Needs to experience so many things

Can you believe how painfully childish

It is to desperately crave a connection

To a complete stranger

|

To fall in love in the streets

An accidental swoon

A beautiful love at first sight

|

Life is not like the movies

It's more complex, it's ugly

With awkward limbs, unsure

|

Can you believe how we desperately crave

Something closer than friendship

A melding of bodies

|

Not the kind that you learn of in health class

But the beautiful satisfaction of knowing

This person? This is my person.

|

There are morbid thoughts and feelings

That exist beneath locks of red hair

That boys with kind hearts

Misinterpret

|

How do I express

The sudden fascination with death

I have grown accustomed to

To kind hearted friends

Who do not understand this loss?

|

The awe of dipping closer

Pushing subconscious mind to boundaries

I don’t think I’m supposed to know about

Until I am well older

|

The fear of losing everything

Being forgotten by so many

Causing so many heartaches

My wishes going unnoticed

|

A young child looks out

From a cage of bones and flesh

Protective and encasing

|

She once felt at home here

Filled with joy and knowing she

was loved, by so many

|

"It's time for something different,"

The outside world muffled

in with a thud

|

And her home cried with hurt

The walls, no longer softer

grew into a tall stifling lock.

|

"It's time for something different,"

The outside world simply said

just to break

|

The fun we had

The whip crack now is heavy

I saw a deer yesterday

Bleeding in the road

His life coming to a close

A human in the world remains

I wonder if the guilt eats them

|

I saw a girl yesterday

Reaching for her mother

Who pushed her away

And told her no one would love her

I wonder if her heart remains unbroken

|

I met a boy yesterday

He wore glasses to hide

His bloodshot eyes

From the nightmares that plague him

I wonder if he's ever told anyone what he has told me

|

I saw myself yesterday

Tired of the same story on repeat

Of a good man dying

I want a list of all the things

I've ever said that hurt you

The things you never speak of

The words I've left astrew

|

I want to mend all of the cracks

I've ever placed in your heart

I am no doctor but I promise

I'll work on myself to start

|

I want to know all of the anger

You've ever held for me

The burning rage inside you you'd

Never let me see

|

I want to ease it all away

I want to make you smile

I want to see you laugh again

Even if it takes a while

|

I wish I could see inside your head

To listen to the mean things said

I do not owe you anything

My time is my own

|

You cannot bully me into guilt-

I learned that lesson late.

|

You may have created me

But I am my own.

|

I will not listen to your empty threats

or lies to procrastinate

|

You must accept the inevitable

You've driven me away

|

There's not a god damn thing you could do

That would EVER make me stay.

There is no creativity inside me I think I ran out

|

I have to go get some From the Creativity Spout

|

It's just over Thought Island Between Memory and Facts

|

It's more of a traveling sailboat In the Ocean of Exact

|

Once I refill creativity From the beautiful ImagiLand,

|

I'll travel back on home Where Procrastination foils my plan.

Carbonation fizzes and bubbles,

Easily contained in a

Small glass package

|

Once the metal

Pries the top

A sigh escapes the drink

|

The bubbles linger and pop

Despite the escape at the top

They are engrained in the soda

|

Oh how I long

To have my fizzing mind

To fall flat

Sometimes I worry a dream will come to me and whisper the horrors the future holds through my ears. I'll wake up and stress to my loved ones of end times, but they won't believe me until it's too late.

|

Last night I dreamed of 2003. I woke up and realized the year was wrong. My roommate and I were the same age as the year I truly lived in, and the first devastation I experienced was knowing my lover would be too young to take interest in me if I could not escape the timeline.

|

Now, I repeatedly check the year to ensure I'm not still trapped. The anxiety of escaping a riot I was too young to remember still thundering through my veins.

|

Sometimes, I hope my dreams mean nothing.

Warm water brushes my skin

Brightening the pale to red

Cleansing the day from me

|

Bubbles foam on the surface

A protective blanket to hide from

My unkind eyes

|

Music echoes from a nearby phone

The vocals leaping from wall to wall

The tile barely singing with them

|

I look down at myself and see

A slender torso and small thighs

Perfection shimmers beneath the ripples

|

Relaxing is easy in this place

Beauty is only a natural response

An assumption through the water

|

Soon the water drains

And my reflection can no longer be seen

She is confusing to me. Venomous and demanding in one instance, fake and plastic the next. Her energy clashes hard with my own, being near her feels the equivalent of petting a cat the wrong direction.

|

But then there are times like these, where I feel for her. I feel guilty for how I've treated her before, and I wish to treat her with more kindness. I think, "maybe I've been wrong all along. Maybe she's a lost little girl, just as I am."

|

So I reach out to her. And my control slips again. I don't do this with other people without reason.

|

I am lacking reason.

People will slice facts into bitty pieces

Just to keep the parts they enjoy.

"Blood is thicker than water"

|

Use it as a weapon, your newly crafted fact.

Though I wonder, do they know they are lying too?

"The blood of the coveted is thicker than the water of the womb."

|

I know my reasonings. I'll never go back.

Sometimes I dream of men angry

Demanding I repay them for something

I could never have caused

|

Sometimes my heart thunders in my chest

And I wonder

If he's nearby to drag me back

|

Into that world I escaped

Into the drugs and the booze

Forcing me to rid my innocence

|

Sometimes I think I really see him

In the distance, around a corner

And I force my jenga tower spine

|

To stay strong and vertical

Despite the whistle of wind

Blowing through the gaping hollows

|

And I tie the corners of my cheeks

Into a forced smile so no one will fret

Darling

I'd like to assure you that

I'll never be scared of you

But I can't.

|

And Darling

I'd like to assure you we'll

Never ever separate

But I can't.

|

But if there's one thing I can promise

I can swear by the stars

That now my heart beats for you

Despite all of your scars

|

And my freckled shoulders will

Always be yours to kiss

When my heart is aching

it's you

That I miss

|

Darling

Hello little me

Can you believe we've made it this far?

When we didn't even think we'd

Get to Junior High breathing

|

Hello little me

Can you believe how much we've grown?

When we didn't even think we'd

Ever change

|

Hello little me

Can you believe the path we've taken?

When we didn't even think we

Were ever truly lovable

|

Hello little me

Can you believe how sad you are?

When we didn't even think

It could get any worse

|

Hello little me

Can you believe how much we've done?

How to soothe a sore throat

Things to do at night near me

How to talk to people

Dream meanings rabbits

Therapists near me

How to make a line chart in excel

Where to get therapy dogs

What to eat with sauteed mushrooms

Whole Foods near me

How will I ever describe

The raw emotion churning at my core

And how will I ever describe

What purpose beats in my heart

|

Who knows where we'll end up

How can I get in contact with them

I want to know where I'm going

Please, tell me

|

But I'll never receive an answer

And I know it.

Despite this, my chest still cries out

For something. For someone. For action?

|

Why do my thoughts always trail back

To the peaks of mountains

Or the thought of forest floors

Dotted with tears of an emotion we can't comprehend

|

There are no words for this

Bite your tongue, child!

You know not what you speak

Your breath has never contained this fire

And you do not yet know how

To control it.

|

Eyes closed, breathe

Learn to influence rather than

Demand results. Nurture results,

Only then will flowers grow

In the field you have tarnished.

|

This is a learning experience for you

And it will take time.

The first lesson is to know

What you speak

Can injure many without a bat

Of your eye.

Safety is a gentle curl of a baby

tucked in it's mother's womb.

It's tangling with your lover

On a winter afternoon

To escape the bite of the cold.

|

Safety is your identity,

The curl of your fingerprint

That could be no one outside of yourself.

No one can impersonate it

Or leave it behind like you.

|

Safety is an artists brush

Curling across the canvas in waves

Etched from something deeper than memories

Something that can't be buried in graves

Something from the soul

You made yourself of paper

And played with the Big Bad Wolf

And though he loved you with his heart

He tried to keep you away

|

When you asked why

He explained you were delicate

You would fly away on his breath

You made yourself of paper and

Called yourself strong

|

And now you're upset

He finally has someone made of

Steel

To hold tight to his chest

To endure the raging storm in his heart

And now you're upset

He loves her closer than he ever could you

But when you tried to get close

And he blew you into the air

You blamed

I often dream of stabbing wounds to my stomach, or brittle nails digging against my chest and into my flesh to tear out something that never belonged

But I'm not sure what I'm grabbing for

I often believe I deserve to be locked away, kept uncomfortably in a box three sizes too small for myself to be cramped inside. I want to keep the violent pieces of me from the public

I never wanted to hurt anyone.

I often dream of a hero to come to my aide, someone who will hold me tight until I break into a thousand pieces in their arms

But now I have him

And I often believe my actions are insane, that maybe I'm being driven to a cliff of something crazed where I will drop into the sea and drown in my own thoughts

I am almost always terrified of getting lost

They'll wonder where I am one day

When my chair at work remains empty

When it should not have been

And the work is not done for them.

|

They'll wonder where I am one day

When rent has gone unpaid

And my laundry is still piled

I'd have been gone for a while

|

They'll wonder where I am one day

When my footsteps don't crunch into

The forest floor

And the trees don't sing anymore

|

They'll wonder where I am one day

When the payments stop coming in

To keep the bills up to date

But, they'll think I'm just lazy and late.

|

They'll wonder where I am one day

The wind screams her voice hoarse

Hollering at my window

Begging for me to greet her

And allow her to tangle my hair

|

She reminds me of the many

People commanding my attention

Blowing up my cell phone

Leaving voicemails I'll never hear

|

Sometimes I envy the dead

They have no obligations here

The corners of their mouths are not

Tied in forced smiles

|

I stare at my blank paper before me

And convince myself I'll never

Be worth anything

Just like the mountain of mistakes in my trash

|

My friends encourage me I'm trying

The frail string of my favorite sweater

Was torn, and began to unravel

Today.

|

The soft yarn pulling away

To create a weak spot in the fabrics

A hole.

|

I don't seem to notice until

There is obviously something

Missing.

|

But then,

It is all too late.

|

They have already gone.

The dust of fingerprints Collect upon the window

|

I wonder how long you will last in this world Before you're nothing but dust as well

-He always apologizes. We have learned it this way.

-It's always in my chest, a blooming rose there so beautiful to see and so painful to live. Thorns hid beneath my skin, waiting for someone to dare reach close enough only to poison them with a simple prick to their finger.

-Why can't I be normal?

-Why do I reject certain strategies of healing? Maybe I think I deserve it.

-Life is about learning. There's no point in living if you believe you know it ALL.

-Why do I always have to fear something? Only this time, I'm afraid of my own actions rather than the violence of another

-

There's something about the low thrum of a base note

That has me tangled in daydreams of desperate heroism

Chasing an unknown enemy through the darkness

Ignoring the chill of rain pouring down my spine

|

There's something about the dead silence of a winter morning

That has my heart retched in daydreams of love stories

Sobbing for an unknown missing lover, my bedside empty

Knowing these calls are meaningless, a desperate plea for no one

|

There's something about the warmth of bath water

That has my head lost in daydreams of 'What If'