There are morbid thoughts and feelings

That exist beneath locks of red hair

That boys with kind hearts

Misinterpret

|

How do I express

The sudden fascination with death

I have grown accustomed to

To kind hearted friends

Who do not understand this loss?

|

The awe of dipping closer

Pushing subconscious mind to boundaries

I don’t think I’m supposed to know about

Until I am well older

|

The fear of losing everything

Being forgotten by so many

Causing so many heartaches

My wishes going unnoticed

|

I want to know where we all go.

|

But I won’t know until the queue of people

Long standing in front of me

Has gone

And I am next to be serviced

|

A horrible secret whispered into my ear

A beautiful truth I’ll never be able to share

With the friends and lovers held back in line

|

Instead

|

I stare at monitors, the monotone beep of incoming emails alerting me

That I do not have time to beg for answers.

A chill running down my spine

From the cooler above me.

|

Coworker babble as my background noise

With the numbness of repetition

Pressing my temple and forcing me

To forget the time wasted in this seat.

|

Instead

|

I stare at monitors, the monotone beeping of the IV alerting me

That I do not have time left with him.

A chill running across my face,

From the cooler in the wall beside me.

|

Nurse babble as my background noise

With the numbness of denial

Pressing my temple and forcing me

To regret the time wasted.

|

Instead

|

I walk down hallways of workplaces merging with hospitals

The heavy doors to meeting rooms have different knobs

But they are the same still.

|

The scenes replaying like an old record

Stuck at one groove of my life

That is deeper than it was ever meant to be

Skipping back to ‘that one time’