• college applications
  • millions of them
  • not millions but too many
• unfinished peacock costume for halloween
• not enough practice time before halloween show
• oh yeah, a six page paper due tomorrow i haven't started aaaand i didn't read the book it's on.
• overdue math homework
• physics shit

• thinking about caleb i now know why people believe they are meant to be mothers or fathers
• i hope he grows up to like me
• i hope i don't miss his childhood when i'm away at college
• i want to buy him that lobster costume i saw tonight for his first halloween

• tomorrow i will be an aunt
• tomorrow i will be behind in school

• THE SIMS 3!

• prettiest piano in 'this lamb sells condos'
• the evergreen application in front of me
• another 3 hour nap showing in my eyes
• piles of baby pictures on the living room table so i can choose one to go next to my senior picture and so my mom can make a goodbye out of photos for when i leave

• the rebel by albert camus
• sleeping for five hours because of nausea and headaches
• two tests and a paper on friday

• i got in a car wreck because boys are bad drivers
• calloway got stoned off spray paint when we made printmaking screens
• i got a letter from my penpal
• 276 days until graduation
• i ate wendy's twice
• ew
• i constantly want to go on a killing rampage

• woke up at 7
• cut dreads out of my hair
• got blood drawn out of my arm
• went to school & got books
• sat on the sidewalk in hot hot hot weather with other miserable people for half an hour waiting for clothing exchange to open only to hear after sweating buckets that they won't take clothes until tomorrow
• went back to school & found my locker after many phone calls trying to figure it out
• got mac n cheese for way too much money at panera
• ran into my ex boyfriend's mom at the bookstore
• yeah

band practice come sooner

• taped fish to my wall
• moved a bookcase
• read a poem about statues
• missed you real big like

• buying you jewelry
• watching girl, interrupted
• being able to crawl all over caleb when i want
• super tall bunk bed
• partyline
• bein married like
• calling every chinese food place
• driving around too late to find food
• but finding chinese
• and eating it on the floor of your room
• and talking about rollergirls
• and more serious things
• watching a movie i don't know the name of
• falling asleep and waking back up a million times
• matilda the musical

• real food
• my bed!
• seeing everyone i love again
• having a real relationship with you outside mtsu campus
• playing the drums
• how cozy!
• driving
• showering without wearing flip flops
• my own bathroom
• not waking up early for art appreciation
• not having to wear long pants for sculpture
• reunions
• no more black polo nights
• not having to be on time for anything
• my animalsss
• real grass & trees & plants
• scattergories
• andy's driveway & living room
• meeting your family

• nine hours of sculpture in a day
• burns on my hands from welding
• being sick
• only one week left
• my roommate not liking me because i never sleep in our room
• the same food every day
• 100 degree weather
• michael jackson? (because that one was kind of necessary)
• missing you already when we haven't left yet

• the wind-up bird chronicle
• white teeth
• everything is illuminated
• one hundred years of solitude
• blindness
• unaccustomed earth
• the trouble with poetry and other poems
• a heartbreaking work of staggering genius

• spanish exam
• andy's house with calloway
• california pizza kitchen
• arguing with my mother
• planning more andy outings
• band practice
• eatin watermelon
• driving with ben
• bowling with ben and calloway
• being really bad at bowling
• dalt's and the best cake ever
• trying to lift a couch and fit it in ben's trunk
• scattergories on calloway's front lawn in the dark
• "that's about a hundred hens"
• "did you know there are supposed to be jaguars and panthers here?"
• "have fun tomorrow!"
• "someone got FRUSTRATED!"
• "i've always wanted to lay in the grass w...

• get some film
• go on a killing rampage
• sidewalk chalk the park
• make some zines
• get some more books
• not take exams
• play drums until my arms fall off

• I do not know which to prefer,
• the beauty of inflections
• or the beauty of innuendoes,
• the blackbird whistling
• or just after.

• taking a not-too-long nap
• driving around all day with alexa & maddy
• playing with synths!
• genghis grill
• strangers with candy
• taking a mini late night road trip
• midnight show
• running into tiffany
• "bitch, i'm gonna pickle slap you!"
• sitting next to gay men while they smooched for facebook pictures
• that sammich

• boy scouts. the band.
• writing new songs for how cozy
• when i leave for gov school it will feel like running away
• tomato and mayo sandwiches
• hitting drums again
• meridian and all its contributors
• this year's litmag
• ida maria's album

• send letters to my penpal
• tell you that i'm in love with you
• return my library books
• and sell back my textbooks
• buy you something
• keep it for myself
• paint over the mural
• learn logarithms
• and spanish conjugations
• and modernism
• eat more oranges

• kansas city
• chicago
• boston
• portland
• olympia
• iowa city

where am i going to live next year

• make short films of dreams i have or of dreams krista has because we tell each other every day.
  • the giant moths made out of paper
  • getting my car stolen and making cocaine
  • applying for governor's school again
• circle an entire book with new poems from the words
• make 1000 paper cranes
• make fake appliances and things like in the science of sleep
  • so that i can be a sculpture artist for movies

• i haven't eaten any meat in a month (over a month)
• i like to read again
  • right now: the wind up bird chronicle, invisible man, tunneling to the center of the earth.
• how cozy! will be picking up again soon

• hop along, queen ansleis
• listen to her
• mother i dreamed i died last night

• a bird took a shit on my shoulder tonight

• i'm on calloway's bed
• hi calloway

• so then i went to sonic
• and had band practice
• and baked a strawberry cake

i miss your porch calloway

• new record store
• new band member
• new relationship stuff cause we love each others guts
• new puppy that's not mine but close enough
• new ideas for DIY cozy merch
• uh huh

• packing packing packing
• putting together a makeshift art portfolio
• missing you already
• charging electronics
• finding polaroid film?
• leaving for new york

• i have an interview with pratt next week
• realizing i only have a year left in the house i grew up in
• worrying about this school year & not seeing you enough
• knowing this year is the year to tell my parents
• knowing i haven't been reading enough
• putting my whole heart into this

• a smile on your face
• something nice to say
• a hug for everyone you see even if they are a stranger
• a song stuck in your head
• a hat or a headband
• a hoodie in 100 degree weather
• the cutest clothes
• at least two necklaces
• something funny & something serious to talk about
• a question to know me more
• time for me

• cute queer at the mall
• being an underwear junkie
• getting recognized because i'm an underwear junkie
• taking a nap with the dog
• realizing the dog likes to sing along to the accordion
• cafe coco sandwiches
• taking a nap on andy's couch
• "truth or dare. truth." but not really
• "sitting in the dark like dipshits"
• mirah in the rain

• going to the lake with jordan & her friends
• sitting by the water and enjoying the nice weather
• listening to their stories
• watching the dogs jump in the waves
• dairy queen
• talking about crushes
• "i feel like i'm on vacation"
• & the feeling of being with girls who like girls and knowing i can tell them anything

• shoot a puppy in the face
• microwave a hamster
• survive a shark attack
• eat any sort of body part belonging to something else. intestines. eyeballs. brains.
• staple my finger
• get high on glue
• read an entire textbook
• drink rotten milk
• swim with a lizard in the pool
• burp the alphabet
• wrangle a snake
• run over a skunk
• be a tambourine player
• plunge a toilet

• going to andy's house with calloway
• "have you ever eaten a baby?"
• playing wii fishing against andy
• tying balloons to my car
• play scattergories with maddy calloway & andy
• staying at andy's house until late at night (team andy!)
• ANDY.
• sleeeeeeping
• playing with my synth
• kate's baby ferret
• jordan's band playing at the radio station
• sushi with jordan & kate
• crushes

• gas
• two genghis grill bowls
• two admissions to cafe coco show
• a sandwich & fries at cafe coco show
• a SYNTH
• beyonce cd
• a dress
• a skirt
• two pears of underwear
• a bra
• brownie mix

uhhh uh oh.

• how to do laundry
• how to blow bubbles with bubble gum
• los paíces que hablan español y sus capitales
• where i can find an underwater camera
• how to play a synthesizer
• where to find drawing fluid & screen filler & the other liquid for fabric transfers
• self defense
• new guitar chords
• new book bindings
• how to be myself around you
• everything else i don't know

• i only ate things that were orange
• there is bird poop on my car
• my stomach turns upside down when i see you
• i can't see the floor of my room anymore
• i fell asleep on the couch
• i have to go back to the doctor tomorrow

• I
• invent
• inspire
• imagine
• intrigue
  • Mine
  • makes love,
  • music,
  • masterpieces,
  • more
• I
• interrupt
• ignore
• insult
• ignite
  • Somebody
  • says
  • sorry
  • so

good:

• i have a nephew

bad:

• everyone older than me is mad at me
• i hate school
• so i left school
• physics tests and forgetting to study
• crying at school
• everyone saying i look bad because i've been crying or am about to cry
• at school
• my mom and her moods

• super cheap book sale
• flea market extravaganza
• whip it!
• scott's birthday
• more printmaking parties
• krista barista

• a "rachael has 4 apples up on top" poster
• oregon college of arts & crafts
• an undeveloped disposable camera from 1996

• last night. lying in bed staring at you while listening to the ani difranco concert dvd.
• spending 72 straight hours with you.

• the rebel by albert camus
• sleeping for five hours because of nausea and headaches
• two tests and a paper on friday

• THE MOVIE TEETH
• CAT MASSAGE
• making out

• sell clothes at plato's closet or wherever i can
  • including your sweater
• make some tshirts for the show
• but first find all my printmaking ink
• sneak out more. it's easy
• give you more surprises
• make patches out of band shirts i never wear
  • why didn't i think of that before?

• four straight days with you is not enough!
• i've been wearing the same shirt for three days
• calloway comes home today
• sgrrc is real soon
• i need to write new songs
• and need to read three books
• and order textbooks
• and set up senior pictures or whatever
• i need to buy shampoo
• and dye my hair
• and stop eating so many tamayo sandwiches
• because that's all i eat
• and i still have a frog tattoo on my arm

• i got to spend thursday-sunday with caleb & krista
• caleb krista scott sleepover
• the roller derby was awesome
• i want to be a rollergirl
• photobooth pictures
• scott drove all the way here to be with us
• i got my cafe coco sandwich
• maddy quotes are stuck in my head
• i have a gnarly bruise on my leg
• there is nothing i should be doing right now

• home from governor's school
• sad
• lonely
• bored

• my fluffy fluffy bed
• how cozy!
• drums
• maddy & calloway & andy & ben & lizzie & kate & lucy & jordan & alexa
• sleeping in
• internet
• cell phone
• fights with my mother
• tomato & mayo sandwiches
• overwhelming crushes
• my carrr
• being barefoot
• instruments
• daisy the dog
• my own sad dog
• scattergories
• andy's driveway
• going to andy's all the time
• radio shows
• baja burrito

• brave
• scared
• nervous
• anxious
• excited
• confused
• relieved
• intimidated
• exhausted

i don't know what to do now. i've waited a long time for this.

• three hour history exam
• three hour nap
• broke a guitar string
• will not do well on spanish exam tomorrow
• watermelon for dinner. because that's just weird.

• math exam
• history exam
• spanish exam

kill me.

• the heart's gone out of it, why keep it up?
• something there is that doesn't love a wall
• one could do worse than be a swinger of birches
• it was more like the tipping of an object toward the light
• somebody loves us all
• practice losing farther, losing faster
• he cannot tell the rate at which he travels backwards
• he was curious about me; he was interested in music
• time for you and time for me, and time yet for a hundred indecisions and for a hundred visions and revisions
• i have measured out my life with coffee spoons
• spring is the mischief in me

• you

• have a staring contest?
• exchange letters?

would you

• teach me the violin?
• draw on the insides of my favorite books?