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“Al-Haitham,” Tighnari says, a warning in his voice like he knows what Al-Haitham is thinking. Tighnari always knows what everyone’s thinking, somehow. Maybe it’s the gigantic ears. Full of secrets. “Don't do it—” “Don’t do what?” Kaveh says. He turns to Al-Haitham. “What are you going to—” Al-Haitham grabs Kaveh by the shirt and kisses him square on the mouth.
Kaveh wakes up at six AM to see his one-night stand sitting cross-legged on the floor, neatly folding his shirt and placing it onto a small stack of his clothes.
“I’m not here to do teenage girl activities.”
“We’re healing your inner teenage girl, Al-Haitham; it’d do you more good to pay attention.”
Al-Haitham furrows his eyebrows and leans forward a little. “I do not have an inner teenage girl.”
“You’re not carrying me,” he says with a weak kick.
Alhaitham stops and lets his own legs take his full weight again; Kaveh’s ankle does something terrible for his self esteem and then he crumples almost to the sand before Alhaitham’s arm catches him again. One arm, because that’s all he needs to take Kaveh’s weight. He’s such a show off for a man whose ass never grew in. “Fuck’s sake,” Kaveh mutters to himself.
“You were saying?”
“Just—go.”
Alhaitham snorts. “Am I your servant now?”
“Yes,” Kaveh snarls.
“Whyever in the world would you be retiring? You’re barely thirty.”
“Extenuating circumstances,” Alhaitham says. “I wanted an opportunity to get my affairs in order.”
“Your affairs? What, are you—”
“I’m sick, Kaveh. Haven’t you noticed?”
“The coughing. Sure.” Kaveh swallows, then keeps talking like he didn’t just exhibit such an obvious nervous tell. “So, you’re sick. Is that any reason to upend your life? I understand needing to take the time to get better, but—”
“I am not going to get better. I am going to get worse, and then I am going to die,” Alhaitham says plainly.
Kaveh turns to Al-Haitham then, and part of him visibly softens at the sight. "Well, maybe part of it is love," he concedes. "I'm in love with you, Al-Haitham, did you know that?"
Al-Haitham, despite himself, smiles. It makes Kaveh's eyes widen. "I do know that, Kaveh. You told me a few nights ago, do you remember?"
"I think so."
"Good. Then you should remember that I told you to tell me that when you're sober, and maybe then I'll say it back."
Kaveh squints at him. "'Maybe?' What do you mean by 'maybe?' I have changed my mind. You are a bastard, and I am not in love with you."
There is no winning with Kaveh. But maybe, there is no losing either.
The thing is that they sleep in the same bedroom, occasionally in the same bed—but beyond that, they remain stuck in an unshakable sort of stasis that Kaveh simply doesn’t know how to break out of.
There is this hollow in their relationship, one that Kaveh wonders if he’s alone in feeling. This empty space in the centre of it all that so clearly marks out what’s missing, and yet leaves not a hint at how to fill it.
It’s a natural conclusion to arrive at: Alhaitham is simply not attracted to him.
"Do I seem to you unaffected?"
"I keep coming back to you,” He laughed, but it came out nervous. “How sad is that?”
“Sad?”
Kaveh picked at the grass below him, keeping his head down. “You don’t love me. You never will.”
“Strong,” Alhaitham murmurs, kissing from Kaveh’s thigh to his hip. “Resolute.”
Stop, Kaveh wants to say. You’re wrong, you’re lying, you’re cruel.
Kaveh pauses, wondering if he should take the out that’s being given to him. Swallows hard, because it would be so easy to end it right now — but then thinks about how much work he’s put into this. Thinks about how far he’s already gotten.
How much he wants it.
He’s wanted Alhaitham to take control for so long, but he hasn’t been able to ask — didn't know how to. But they're here now. What he wants is right in front of him, dangling like a prize.
He isn’t going to let the opportunity he’s manufactured go to waste.
jun 3 2024 +