i pull a blanket over your body,

curled in the fetal position,

and i wonder what i could do to make you stay,

i’ve never had a place to lay my things down,

my muscles are tense,

my skin calloused,

i do what i can,

but it’s hard to appreciate any softness in me when all it ever does is drive people away,

you clutch the blanket to your chest and stretch your legs to the full length of the couch,

the tea kettle comes to a quiet boil, the steam wafting up to my cracked ceiling,

life is meant to be lived, after-all.

i search for comfort for something that feels like what my life feels like on early morning road trips in the spring. like a terribly nostalgic little girl and i steal people’s voices but can never find my own and i need you to agree with me when i tell you i am good but i think you’ve found a better version of me already so when i see the image of you halfway out the door i make sure you know i never wanted you here anyway but i wanted you i wanted you i want you here sitting with me 7 am at the mom n’ pop diner laughing at me for pouring too much syrup over my waffles. it’s always too much, isn’t it?

maybe i spoke more than i should have,

i’m sorry,

i’m sorry,

i’ve never had someone understand me like you do,

i threw up decades of silence and i forgot my manners,

you knew the pain of knowing was visceral,

but then so was the relief,

for years, i’ve been wandering through never ending deserts under beating suns,

and you were a thrumming water fall,

and i took and took,

submerging myself in you — hoping i would come up anew,

speak to me,

speak to me,

i promise i want to listen.

my mom talks about the majesty of trees. their strength, the way they stand tall. all my life i’ve wanted to be a redwood, and all my life i’ve puffed out my chest trying to be one. but today i found out that salicylic acid is used as a pain reliever — and that it comes from the bark of a weeping willow tree. softheartedness is often a weight. i know this. but humans can be hard to understand. they notice her delicately low-hanging branches, but never her imperishable trunk.

why must the willow tree always be weeping?

I believe I have found a solution, or perhaps a painkiller to most suffering in one’s life. It has helped ease a lot of my life’s suffering throughout the years I have stumbled upon this philosophy. It is the practice of utilizing acceptance and a positive outlook on the situation at hand that may help one overcome various issues. Both need to be practiced over and over again in order for it to create lasting change in the quality of your life. For example, if you love this person but they don’t love you back, there are so many negative emotions associated with being in a situation like that. If you really have no hope of them reciprocating your feelings, then it is time to move on. But how? First, you must start with accepting the situation as it is. It is what it is, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. You have to let it be. This would already ease a lot of the emotional...

i have always loved the in-betweens of things. when things are good, stable, quiet. where things are constant right before they inevitably change. car rides and twilight. but i realize it’s all so ephemeral. before they roll the end credits or draw back the curtains and everything i once knew dissipates right before my very eyes. where conflict and change do not live. where i can just be without all the weight of being. but i know, i know. i know. where conflict and pain do not live, rarely is where growth and prosperity wander. but i wish to rest my head ever so often, sit idly in a coffee shop with nowhere to go and nothing to do and nobody to be, have someone love me without needing to pay for it or play for it. these days i feel myself remembering and all the sudden i feel 12 again.

the snow keeps falling and it looks a awful lot like giving up. i believe i could love, and be loved if i tried. but i’m starved of love and i’m tired of trying. my ribs are aching, my mouth is parched. i cannot speak any longer. the snow keeps melting and it looks an awful lot like letting go.

i’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. i rest for an average of 5 to 6 hours these days but still i lay in my bed for what feels like more. the other night i had an odd feeling in my chest. i seemed to miss everything i was and everyone i’d ever known. my heart beat against my ribcage, ricocheting through my mattress and into my ears; it was almost like my body was speaking to me and knew historically, i was hard of hearing. my heart felt awfully too large for body to handle that night. most nights it does. and i wondered if anyone ever thinks about me like that too.

But really i’ve been thinking is anxiety not just a habit? In its simplest form, is it not just a deeply ingrained habit that we have taken on since childhood? So, just like any other habit, can it not be unlearned? I've always loved the concept of neuroplasticity. To change the habits you don't like in yourself, to learn new ways of doing and thinking, is to simply do them consistently - especially when it's difficult. I guess that also kinda aligns with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that therapists use to treat patients. And although these things can often be more complicated than simply being habits (such as the very real biochemical processes involved in issues such as mental health), I still believe it's at least helpful to think about it in this way. Maybe one can unlearn this way of thinking and make it a habit to let go of their anxiety prone ways, i've seen it work for me. It's a...

• Inception directed by Christopher Nolan
• Little Women (2019) directed by Greta Gerwig
• Midnight in Paris directed by Woody Allen
• Knives Out directed by Rian Johnson

for as long as i had a conscience, my life has always been calculated. never so rash. but in my mind i tore everything new and glistening, and i left and i never came back and i never apologized and i laughed so loud my voice was a sick shrill and i had no shame for it. but in this world, i wait patiently. i am filled with apologies and niceties. i keep my voice quiet, even — and i always return. like a nervous dog or an abandoned child, i keep my head down and i always return. always dreaming.

i keep a little spare hope in my back pocket for a rainy day,

and on rainy days i pray for some hope to spare,

once,

this was all enough for me,

once, i didn’t think so hard,

it was all just grocery store trips and sand in our shoes,

at a restaurant recently, i smelled my elementary school cafeteria,

and it was as if time had stopped,

or maybe pulled backwards,

my chest felt like a puddle, or maybe silly putty,

sometimes i have dreams of younger me,

i am always apologizing to her in some way.

you may be disillusioned with life. your virtues have long been on the back burner. you were only trying to survive, i know. but you cannot turn your back on yourself again; you could not have come all this way.

Do you wanna go to the river? I know this spot so deep and green With wild raspberries and apple trees And rocks to climb between Water like a washing machine Do you wanna dance? Sometimes I think I try too hard I trip on my shoes and I trip on my shirt Get caught on the dirt in the yard Caught on the dirt in the yard You show me Understanding Patience and pleasure Time and attention Love without measure Love without measure You're cooking dinner It's gettin' around half-past-ten I haven't smelled food so good Since I don't know where and I don't know when Where and I don't know- Stove light glows like a fire We're sitting on the kitchen floor Just when I thought I couldn't feel more I feel a little more I feel a little- Understanding Patience and pleasure Time and attention Love without measure Love without measure There's a guy on the nape of my neck And he hangs out there all day He qua...

“Forget about enlightenment.

Sit down wherever you are 

And listen to the wind singing in your veins.

Feel the love, the longing, and the fear in your bones.

Open your heart to who you are, right now,

Not who you would like to be.

Not the saint you’re striving to become.

But the being right here before you, inside you, around you.

All of you is holy.

You’re already more and less 

Than whatever you can know.

Breathe out, touch in, let go.”