past

• driving on bridges over water. i would always cling to the car door, as though that would stop me from falling when the bridge inevitably collapsed
• natural disasters. if we were by the sea, i would be on edge. always looking out the back window of the car expecting a tsunami to be approaching. i'd watch the sky like a goddamn hawk during storms, convinced that every cloud was turning into a tornado
• being the last one awake. i used to make mom stay up an hour after i went to bed & i'd try my hardest to fall asleep before then unless i wanted to face the endless black void that was my house without the lights on
• food & calories & weight gain & being fat. i could write a novel about this
• simple things like walking down the street & crossing a road & being alone in public & even being with others in public & crowded places & ordering my own food & having to buy things at the registers & catching a bus. the list goes on & on & on

current

• being diagnosed with an illness
• amputation or disfigurement of any kind
• fire. either waking up in the middle of the night to my house in flames or being in a crowded room that has opportunity for a scenario like the station fire in 2003. i never used to think about that but i am no longer the kind of person who wants to be in the front row for a gig. keep me by the goddamn exit
• being in the car sometimes. i've always felt v strongly that i'd die young & i envision it happening via a car accident. i don't always feel nervous but sometimes when certain people are driving or we're going along a certain kind of road, i tense up & it's generally a GREAT time
• my family or dogs dying. every day when oliver escapes out the front door, i panic & run after him even though he never goes very far & always comes back in after a minute. i panic when i hear him yelp. i panic when i haven't seen him or maddie for a while. the list goes on
• huntsmen. let's be real. i live in active fear of them always. half the time, i stand at the doorway to a room & inspect every inch of it with my eyes for them. i hit the toilet bowl three times in case ones hiding in it. constantly on the lookout for those life ruining mother fuckers
• george dying. my constant fear. he doesn't reply for a couple hours past normal time? i'm off to go check the news to see the inevitable report on his death