today i noticed that i am far too preoccupied with two things. firstly what others are doing and why i am not achieving those things, and secondly. well now i have forgotten the second thing. but those two things, what other people are doing and why i am not finding myself in similar thriving situations, is enough to begin with. i am extremely hard on myself and my own failings, much to the point that i am almost entirely afraid to try anything, and see myself fail. i know the only way that progression is possible is to start from a point where progression is needed. there must be some kind of perfectionist streak in me, that doesn't allow for the progression part. a small voice that says " you must produce work that is whole, and complete, and perfect, right from the conception of the idea."

this is not possible.

in my most fruitful times, the complete disregard of the work and output of others and whether or not i was doing work that was whole and complete and perfect, allowed me to produce some of my best. i wonder if it was because i was at university and still in that strange place where you are still trying to figure out where and what and who you are. so i allowed myself to make those mistakes, make those falls, and pick myself back up again, and correct myself. but ever since graduating, i have not been so kind, not so lenient about giving myself room to have these failings. every action must serve a purpose, and that purpose must be of maximum gain. but i also forget that an actions purpose might be to learn from its inefficacy. that also serves a purpose in growth, and learning, and making sure that the next action is more fruitful, and gives way to better creativity, and ultimately a more rewarding outcome. to fail is not really to fail. to fail is to provide another opportunity to learn. failure provides opportunity, if you create it, if you choose to learn from it.