• Jared The Mormon

Loser Mormon, meaning he couldn't manage to marry and knock up a chick before he went on his mission trip. Therefore, he was DSFW (Desperately Searching For Wife). Flirting techniques consisted of making banal comments about book bags and informing me and my friend that he wished we sat in front of him so he would'nt have to keep turning around to look at us.

• Healthnut Gary

Classic "I Used to Work in Corporate America" adult learner who used to be fat and then turned his life around with insane biking trips and granola bars. And wouldn't let anyone forget it.

• Mr. Brazil(ian Rapist)

"I grew up here and went to high school here, but I think I can get away with inappropriately touching strangers in class because I have a Brazilian 'accent.' I also think that girls like it when I tell them they need to loosen up and stalk them once the class is over."

• Creepy Chris

"Hey, um, I've never talked to you before--or even seen you in a class before--but I'm going to obsessively pry into your life via Facebook and insist that you need to tell me all your bad habits and things you like to do. I'll ask you weird questions about sandwiches, crime-fighting, burning theaters, and werewolves. When you dash all my hopes to the rocks (because I'm so fucking weird) I'll first make it sound like the noblest thing you've ever done and then write poems about cold, hard bitches who ask boys not to follow them home."

• Skinny Jeans

Dodgy character. Androgynous, is gay but can't admit it because devout Christian. "Knows" Japanese, wears scarves in 90-degree weather, and thinks the novelizations of Star Wars and its spin-offs are superior to the films. Also, cries about Korean tutor girls rejecting him.

• Samir

Stare. Stare. Stare. Stare. Stare with creepy smile. Stare. Stare.

• Andy

"I have a heart condition, but when you give us the option to run or walk for the mile test, I'm going to run. And then proceed to cough up all my organs afterwards. Also, I'm wondering why my phosphorus levels are so high."

• Female Sasquatch

"lulz The cats in that movie are reallly loud! Are French cats just like really talkative or something? lulz Her hat looks like a lampshade...I didn't know that was in style lulz."

• Kat D (can't use her real name in case she stumbles upon this)

Writes shitty "neo-Dadist" poetry. With references to uteruses and flour. Imagines herself a tortured intellectual artist because nobody gets her cryptic poetry. She was voted "Best New Poet" for an obscure internet poetry magazine and has published several poetry chapbooks through obscure internet publishers. Oh, my God! Where are her eyebrows?!

• Garbage Can Girl

Imagine Janice from Friends. Now imagine Janice with a hipster haircut and thigh boots and fancies herself quite witty. Garbage Can Girl. So named because her head resembles the shape of the top of a round garbage can with the swinging lid. Except with her, the garbage is coming out instead of staying in where it belongs.

• Mr. Philosophy Guy

"I get turned on by girls wrapped in Saran-Wrap. I look like the squirrel that Merlin turns into in The Sword and the Stone but I think I'm totally desirable because of my intellect. I believe that 'soll,' the conjugated form of the German modal verb 'sollen,' is just a placeholder in a sentence. I believe that all women, even if they have decided they're not suited to be mothers, will one day change their minds and participate in their gender's only function in life: childbearing and rearing. I also labor under the impression that, for homework, English majors write short stories."

• Recovering Alcoholic Guy

"Someone told me that when having a conversation, eye contact is really important. So I stare at you while you talk without blinking. Not once. With my mouth slightly open because I have an overbite. I'll probably mention that guitar is one of my passions because I'd like you to think of me as a sensitive guy. 'Life is just too short,' I'll say with my recovering-alcoholic wisdom. 'So let's fuck.'"