Things that attempt to negate what The Lord tells me, which is that if I rest and trust he will stitch all things together as they should be. This list stands as a portable honesty journal, where I can let to light all the thoughts that swirl in some shrill sad cannonade.

• am I working too much?
  • yes, entirely too much, so you quit and walked away and got a wayyyy great job at she she. less money but so much more easy happiness.
• will they let me do Europe?
  • indeedy!
• will Kathy freak out on me for my availability?
  • its all irrelevant
• why didn't cole hang out with me last night?
  • because he was being flaky. Lord, protect my heart and expectations. keep my eyes open to reality. I do not trust Cole yet
• did I leave that notebook at his house, did he read it?
  • nope, all good.
• seriously though what happened. It was so awkward
  • not rightly sure what this is...
• will he try to hang out with me again at all (this is the bigger fear that makes this littler fear take root. But the truth is The Lord is protecting me and The Lord has a plan, and I hope I can stay attune to His will and His whispers to me, and if that means that the last time cole and I kissed was a goodbye kiss after sundance, so be it. I trust Him. And I trust that He knows me, and knows an event like last night is what I need to create some emotional distance, boundary, and clarity in my life. I do not have peace with hooking up with him, I like kissing him ( "what if I never, ever let you, kiss me so sweet and so soft?") when it's not in such a sexual way, but I know that's gotta get cut out too. I love hanging out with him. I really really really like spending time with him.
  • that wasn't the last time we kissed. we kissed that night after he rescued me from the bars, and then that day in manitou, but thats a whole other sad story in itself
• Lord, you are my heart. You see my heart, you know how much being treated like this by a boy means to me. You know my thoughts towards LO, you know my fears. Lord I pray that you will help me be fearless and trust that you are walking right next to me during this.

june22

• what the fuck is up with lo? why does this freak me out the way it does? (lord, I trust You alone.)
  • july 1 he texted me an apology. i hope cole wasn't just the way the lord was going to lighten the blow of lo, i like cole so so so much. fuck.
• what was the "she likes a different boy" thing? was it me? his ex? is it at all relevant?
• will I go down to Manitou? (I want to so bad)
  • yes, and it was so amazing esssept for the very end
• should I talk with him when I am down there?
  • the ipod forced you to...
• what does he think of me? lord, what do you want from this?
• will I feel better about LO?
  • yeah, now its cole you are sad about
• will Christian ever try to reconcile and work hard in our friendship?
• will I be able to do erie brewfest stuff?
  • no :(
• will I feel like I am less scared/more of a part of vineyard?
• will I meet this devon fool soon? will he be a good fit?
  • he is!
• will I be super disappointed if Manitou doesn't work out? do I have a talk talk with cole if it doesn't?
  • it did, i did
• do I get to spend time with my brother anytime soon?
  • he invited me over the monday after lo!
• will I ever feel less scared to go to the bars?
• will I be able to lose weight, stay up on walking, weight training, eating less when I drink and not eating desserts?
• will I have a date to heathers wedding?
• will I be able to take hollys lack of personality less personally?
• will I be able to see brand new and blink 182?

Nerves of July

• how long will cole be processing?
• will the fact that he is in manitou and i'm the only person he still talks to in fort collins work in my favor?
• what did he mean by he didn't know distance wise where he will be in a year? will i be able to say my peace about being 25 and abroad?
• is this what i fear it is, that the lord is easing me into a no?
• __lord, i will be so so so sad if this is a no. and i will still trust you, but i don't know why i had to get someone like cole, but only for a little while. why? that just hurts. why would i be given this and then have it taken away? i've waited so long, and i can wait more, but i just want to be pursued. cole makes me feel so pursued and he has so many things that i want in someone. so if this is a no, i will be so sad. especially if he claims it is a no because of distance... what does that mean? i want to teach abroad if i'm still single, the irony of him not dating me because i made myself a cushion for if i am still single will wreck. lord, i pray for the oppurtunity to tell him what the whole distance/traveling thing is

Things I need to surrender to The Lord

• will I have to see Ryan at the rio tomorrow?
• will he give me that song
• what will happen when cole gets back?
• what's going on with josh, should I drop this?
• does Ryan hate me? Does it matter? How can I ask him for that song
• will Erin let me go because of the availability.

Lord, help me to surrender worrying about cole. I know that whatever happens is exactly what is in Your will and You will help me sort through the feelings

August blessings

• that I'm leaving for az right when all this stuff came to a head wit Ryan
• my friendship with rachal
• my friendship with Katy

Nerves of July

• how long will cole be processing?
• will the fact that he is in manitou and i'm the only person he still talks to in fort collins work in my favor?
• what did he mean by he didn't know distance wise where he will be in a year? will i be able to say my peace about being 25 and abroad?
• is this what i fear it is, that the lord is easing me into a no?
• lord, i will be so so so sad if this is a no. and i will still trust you, but i don't know why i had to get someone like cole, but only for a little while. why? that just hurts. why would i be given this and then have it taken away? i've waited so long, and i can wait more, but i just want to be pursued. cole makes me feel so pursued and he has so many things that i want in someone. so if this is a no, i will be so sad. especially if he claims it is a no because of distance... what does that mean? i want to teach abroad if i'm still single, the irony of him not dating me because i made myself a cushion for if i am still single will wreck. lord, i pray for the oppurtunity to tell him what the whole distance/traveling thing is