Four-Corners EPISODE 1 [Erna’s Practice Permit Dry Run] Sunday Afternoon 1:00PM [March 24, 2002]

My name is Zofia and I’m one of Siegfried and Erna Fritzlang-Salat Meurer’s actual 400 grandkids. I am 21 years old and just graduated college! My Mom asked if I’d help my Grandparents as my Grandma attempts to open up a driving school. So, I’m friends with my Grandparents on Myspace and my parents and most of Siegfried and Erna’s kids (my aunts and uncles) do not have Myspace, so they don’t quite know WHAT the fuck these two get up to. Let’s hope they don’t make any more of these sites because my Grandparents REALLY enjoy oversharing. I don’t think the city government of Lawson knows that my Grandma, Erna, well, she’s essentially a vampire and we literally aren’t sure if she’s 80-100 years old or about maybe 300? She has told us “war stories” as a kid and they often describe wars that span across continents and centuries, so it leaves us dumbfounded on her actual age and origins. However, we do know that her most recent driving experience is not one that should be a focal point in opening a driving school in 2002. My grandma used to steal Nazi army tanks and kill Nazis with them and also just steal them in general. My grandparents have a massive property that straddles the border of Austria and Germany that has tanks across the entire property that my Grandma would drive to the store when we were kids in the early 90s. We also were attending school in Austria in the early 90s and my Grandma would drop us off at school in the redecorated tank. My grandfather is really into milk and cows. My grandfather, Siegfried, actually has a cow farm with about 1,000 cows that produces a lot of the milk for that part of Europe but it was born out of my Grandfather’s love of the milkman. He actually says he wants to open a milk delivery service for the Lawson area and even in Troy, where my grandparents live now. My Grandma also has the 3rd Geo Metro ever made and it has about 560,000 miles on it (although, she owns about 5 of them for some reason) but she insists that this would be the perfect car to use if she opened a driving school because I am not sure if you’ve ever driven with Grandparents that resemble Statler and Waldorf, but an old-possibly immortal German couple who cannot drive but insist that everyone else driving is the problem. My Grandma is asking me to come with her, in the Geo, down to the Lawson Municipal City Hall where we would apply for the permit. Now, my Grandparents are generally just used to hanging out with other old, possibly immortal people from other cultures since they often frequent the multi-national market down the street in the nearby city, Cedar Oaks but now my Grandma has to interact with a likely 30-40 something year-old non-old , from the old country type person, who will be completely terrified by my Grandma’s less than formal approach. My Grandma has filled out some information on a scroll that could have come directly out of “Lord of the Rings” and it is written in German and I think Norse? She wants to practice drive (it’s down the street, literally one mile from where she lives). I am currently hearing what sounds like a tank pulling up.

—Zofia proceeds to get into Erna’s Geo Metro which does sound like an actual tank. Zofia and her family only live a mile from where Siegfried and Erna live in Troy, so it’s essentially a two-mile practice run. Erna pulls up with the car over the curb as she frantically rolls the window down “ZOFIA....ARE DER ANY NAZIS FOR GRANDMA TO RUN OVER OR NO ANSWER NOW” “Grandma, we’re doing a dry run to an American city hall, I doubt there will be any Nazis to mow down, I don’t know, maybe someday”- “FINE. BE ZAT WAY. GET IN!!!!!!!!” Erna screamed. Erna’s Geo Metro was one of the four door ones and each door was a different color with the passenger’s door being yellow but also with two black stripes down the middle. Zofia cautiously gets in the car. “Grandma, I can drive if you want, I don’t think you need to drive to get the permit if you’re mostly familiar with driving a tank” “NEIN…ICH WANT TO DRIVE, IT SAY IF YOU HAVE TO MAKE CITY BUSINESS PERMIT, YOU MUST ALSO BE ONE WHO DRIVE AUTOMOBILE TO CSHITTY HALL!” “I don’t think that’s a thing,” “Es ist! Setz dich hin und halt die Klappe, du dumme Schlampe!” “Grandma, I am already sitting down, on this wooden plank you call a seat and I’m only say that it’s not a thing and you’re just finding an excuse to drive,” Zofia lamented as she knew that with her Grandma driving, they would hit a max speed of about 7 MPH since Erna often will slow down or completely stop to make useless observations. They proceeded to start down their quick journey and Erna immediately slams on the brakes exclaiming “NUN, DAS IST EINE HÜBSCHE HUMMEL!!!!!” “Grandma, it’s 12 degrees out, there are no pretty bumblebees anywhere, let’s get this over with, we have to be up early tomorrow for our four-hour drive to something that’s two miles away because this is how you are and this is how you drive,” “NEIN!!! IS HOW U ARE UND THIS IS HOW U DRIVE!!! U ARE ACTING LIKE YOUR GRANDENFATHER SIEGFRIED!!! HE SAY EVERYONE BE SCARE LIKE SCREAM OF ERNA DRIVING, HE JEALOUS BECAUASE MILKMAN IS FINDEN ERNA CUTER AND SEXIER IN FRANCES MAID OUTFIT!!!!!” Erna screamed with her head out of her window. “Grandma, first, I didn’t need to know of this but also…now that you opened your windows, I smell something like rotten and floury,” Zofia said as she stuck her head out of her window. She couldn’t tell if the tracks on the sidewalk with something that didn’t look like snow were the reason for the smell or not. Erna slammed on the brakes, flinging open her door and jumping out into running traffic, and as all the traffic came to a halt and she ran at the speed of light, hopping over the hood of the car like a greaser, and landing on the sidewalk on all fours as she took one huge lick of the powdery substance that was on the sidewalk leaving a distinct trail, not of snow, but of baking soda and flour”

Erna continued to lick the flour, as it’s one of her favorite foods, and Zofia continued to press her to stop as she could have licked up something like cocaine instead and she didn’t want her Grandma to be even less coherent than she currently was licking up flour on the sidewalk.

“BACKING SODA!!!! ICH CAN TASTE BACKING SODA!!! WHY TRAILS LIKE OF WAGON…I CAN SENSE…THERE IST EIN EVIL PLAN BREWING IN THE SHADOW. RAVENS WILL BE BESTOWED UPON YOUR GRAVE IF YOU ARE CAUGHT RED-HANDED!” Erna screamed as she now started to lick the backing soda that was on the sidewalk as well. “NOW HAS TO PEE, GET IN CAR, WE R GOING TO MCDONALDS BADEZIMMER TO PEE, NOW YOU, YOU IST ALSO GO PEE 2!”

Zofia strapped her grandma onto the few pieces of wood that made up the passenger’s seat and they went about a quarter of a mile down the road to the McDonald’s on the corner of Avery and Rusty street. They quickly parked since Erna REALLY needed to pee. Erna broke out of the seatbelt and darted through the open window and dashed towards the McDonald’s door as she proceeded to run directly into the giant external bubble window. The McDonald’s in Cedar Oaks (the layout of this particular intersection of four cities will be explained later on) has not been updated since 1976 and they still have ABBA posters up, like the original ones from 1979. Some children were immediately seen crying as they were hanging out in the bubble window and when Erna crashed into it like a bull, the children became horrified. They did not expect a German vampire grandma hopped up on sidewalk flour and baking soda to ram into the window. She shook it off almost immediately and flung the doors open, bulldozed everyone waiting in line to get to the cashier. She grabbed the cashier by the shirt and asked “DARF ICH AUF DIE TOILETTE GEHEN> DO U HAVE DA KEY????” “GRANDMA, LET GO OF THE CASHIER AND JUST GO TO THE BATHROOM, YOU DON’T NEED TO ASK AND THERE IS NO KEY!!!!!” Erna releases the cashier and runs through a young family with their trays of food, spilling their orders all over the floor as she bulldozed through them leaving her granddaughter in a wave of disbelief as she spent the entire time Erna went to the bathroom apologizing. It ended up taking Erna so long to go to the bathroom that Zofia ended up ordering herself some food. After the people who all got bulldozed by a German Grandmother hopped up on baking soda and flour, Zofia sat down to eat at the booth that was closest to the bathroom that her Grandma was still in. As Zofia began to eat the double cheeseburger she ordered, she began to smell something that was so foul, it could only be described as something that was already dead five times over that was eaten and shat out, but she knew why it was happening. The archaic play structure that was featured in the front of the McDonald’s was filled with families blissfully unaware that no safety checks had been made to that place since 1979 since no one cares enough. It seems as once the ABBA posters were put up, everything stopped and the McDonald’s perpetually lives in 1979 at this Cedar Oaks location.

As Zofia begins to zone out, she starts thinking to herself: (We’re also right by where Grandma’s Driving School would be and I literally do not understand how she thinks this is a good plan but I would never say foresight is one of my Grandma’s strongest attributes. She can really mow down a line of Nazi soldiers with a swiped tank but she cannot think ahead for a damn.

Where Grandma is setting up her driving school is located in the literal heart of one of the US’s most densely populated shopping centers. Unfortunately, due to some unforeseen circumstances and faulty planning, there are multiple business buildings that cross over multiple city lines at once since the cities of Lawson, Vine Hills, Lake Stanton, and Cedar Oaks all connect at one spot and I’m pretty sure Grandma’s shop is the one that is located on that area so I don’t know what happens. By Michigan law, her driving school must have its own parking area to park the cars used that cannot be in front of the building so it looks like she has to apply for the permit for that parking lot too. Grandma…”]

“Excuse me? HELLO????” a familiar voice said as the cashier from earlier was asking if Zofia was okay, she had passed out and fallen onto the floor after getting a smell from where Grandma was in the bathroom. “Yes, I think I’m fine,” Zofia said to the cashier noticing she was drenched in water that had flooded the entire lobby of this McDonald’s and Zofia noticing it coming from under the door in the bathroom. Zofia rushed up and ran to the bathroom door busting it open as a tsunami of water entered the lobby with Erna riding on top. The water rushed through the lobby and straight for the door with Erna on top as Zofia chased her in horror. Zofia quickly exited the McDonald’s and went to the Geo Metro and sped off before the cops would arrive questioning the proceeding events since there was a LOT of damage. Zofia rushed after the giant wave of water her Grandma was riding on singing an old war song Zofia believed to be from one of the times the Ottomans attempted to takeover Vienna from the Habsburgs in 1532. Luckily for her, it took Grandma all the way down to the Lawson city hall meaning that she did not have to sit in the car with her for those like two miles and waste the entire rest of her Sunday since knowing her Grandma, she’d get out and lick more backing soda and flour off the sidewalk and she’d have to go back to use the bathroom and completely end up in the same predicament. Once Zofia caught up with Erna at the Lawson City Hall, she noticed her Grandma banging on the doors asking to be let in. Zofia noticed a security truck sitting a few lots away and quickly coached her Grandma to get back into the Geo. After a few beef jerky treats were dangled out the window, Erna quickly complied.

“Well, SOFIE! Was a successful RUNT to the Larson Schitty Hall! Are you ready again for tomorrow, in the morgen?” “Grandma, I actually wanted to bring up a concern since you seem to be in the century and not wandering off into another conflict from a few centuries ago but do you really think opening a driving school with your driving record and that location is a good idea? I mean, no one wants to say it but it looks like your lot will be the one that sits in all four cities at the same time, do you really want to have to get a permit from every city In the process?”

“SOFIE, Your Grandentvatter und Ich have known former owner- our friend Karl from the old country, he is own a DILDO SEXXX SHOP, but believe shop is to be HAUNT BY SPOOKY SPOOKY GHOST so he is moves his SEXY SHOP WHERE SELLS OF DILDOS AND HANDCUFFS down STREET next to lot BY newiist coffee place called auf STARDUST COFFEE- have tried- make poop- many poop- but good. I am board like wood and need something 2 do. I am think okay..lots of money from RUN OVER Nazi, stop Ottomom invasion in 1532. Many money! What does you ask? What does is many, am retired for many years but have decide maybe by own OWN DRIVER SEX ED SKOOL, BUT SPACE LIMIT UND Der….ODER DAS MEHL UND DAS BACKPULVER AUF DEM ZEMENT LASSEN MICH VERMUTEN, DASS JEMAND VERSUCHT, MEINE PLÄNE ZU DURCHKREUZEN”

“Grandma, maybe this was the WRONG time to ask you this question but I guess that’s up to you but why do you think people putting baking soda and flour on the cement is suspicious? I mean, it went the same way we did, sure, but that doesn’t mean anything. Maybe someone was doing a science experience or something. Who knows. Besides, were you also aware that you have to apply for a permit to own that parking lot required by law if you own a driving school?”

“JAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ ICH BIN NICHT DUMM, süße torte, Karl use PARKING LOT FOR DELIVERY SEX TIME DILDO TO SHOPPER, BUT KARL SIGN A DO NOT DISTURB PAPER DISCLOSING HE CANNOT SAY WHERE THE LOCATE OF SHOP IST” Erna exclaimed as they pulled up to Zofia’s house.

“Well, Grandma, I’ll see you bright and early at 8 AM so we can HAND DELIVER THE PERMIT YOU WROTE ON SCROLL,” Zofia said, annoyed, “and just don’t wake everyone up when you come and pick me up, I’ll be ready”

Zofia proceeded to go into her house and could hear the Geo Metro tanking off a bit down the street and across to Troy where her grandparents live. Zofia would tell her parents, in disbelief, of the day’s events but neither of them would believe a word Zofia said. She proceeded to check her AIM messages and updating of the day’s hectic events on her MySpace before heading off to bed. The time got away from her and before she could blink twice, it was already midnight. It would soon be the next day and time to get the permit for likely just part of the building that sits in Lawson and finding out if the parking lot is in one city or more since she knows that her grandma is not aware of what will be needed to complete this process. It is increasingly difficult for Zofia to think this was a good idea given she would likely have to not only handle her grandparents but handle all these legal headaches too. This isn’t what she went to law school for. She drifted off into a slumber while her grandparents got absolutely sloshed and ate about 4,000 pancakes since their friends Günther and Yetta-Irene had stopped over for a midnight hangout. Erna and Yetta-Irene end up so smashed, that they end up sleeping on a staircase, and as the next day approaches, the new week will only bring more Erna and Siegfried chaos into her life.