if i felt like it'd mean anything, i would probably be making this my bio on archive of our own. except i know it's a gesture that wouldn't mean much to anyone, not even myself. so here we are instead.

i've been deeply entrenched in fandom spaces for basically as long as i've been using the internet. some of my earliest memories online are of watching youtube videos pertaining to my childhood interests and fixations. i have very specific memories of watching a scourge the hedgehog amv and brony videos on the computer k-12 sent me to use for their program circa 2011 when i was in the 2nd grade. to spell it out directly, i've literally been obsessed with the internet since the moment i was first given unrestricted access to it as a small child and basically since the very beginning of my time online i got deeply invested in fandom spaces.

sidenote: i got distracted trying to track down the scourge amv i watched as a child. assuming the video still exists, i'm probably genuinely incapable of identifying which specific video it was. at the time i was only even interested in the video because it featured a song i liked.

regardless of how predisposed i was to it, in the end fandom became a big part of my life before i could even comprehend the consequences of the choices i was making. i remember thinking around the time i was 15 that i was just growing to shed all my eccentric interests and "grow up" by the time i reached adulthood. i'm an adult in my early 20's now. that has yet to happen.

fandom at some point during my teens became less about being a fan and more about escapism. i remember pacing back and forth in the backyard as a young teen, imagining what it would be like to interact with my favorite fictional characters while listening to music. i would do this for hours upon hours almost every single day back then. it's not even that things have particularly changed from those days, it's just that the presentation of it all has changed as the years have gone by.

the point of mentioning any of this at all is that as i really reflect on it lately, the more i realize i actually hate fandom. i probably always have, too, but was too caught in it to really see that. i don't think fandom spaces have gotten worse as the years have gone on like many oldheads try to insist, from my perspective they were always kind of shit. maybe it's just because i have an easier time putting together a mental compilation of all of my worst fandom experiences, but the more i think about it the more difficult it becomes to justify continuing to engage with them. that's without even delving into all the ways fandom basically enabled me to become stunted developmentally. i could literally go on about this for days.

it's honestly an odd conclusion to come to after so long. it was such an important part of my life. i've been in fandom for far longer than i've been without it.

still, as i've already said, i'm aware now that i hate fandom. no matter what i've done to improve my experiences within fandom spaces, in an attempt squeeze out all the good they have to offer - at a certain point you have to let go. cut your losses and move on. that was a reoccurring theme for me in 2025, of realizing what was working and what wasn't and making choices based on those conclusions. it's something i plan to continue working on through this year. i have no desire to hold onto things in my life that don't serve me anymore.