I hate it when I get this feeling of being uncomfortable with my own sex. I’m trying to be more ‘feminine’ but after wearing stuff like heels, I always feel something deep-seeded in me coming out and imaginations of me just cutting out my genitals. Sometimes it becomes so strong, that I feel like crying because I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to describe it either than just saying I hate being in the current body I am which owns a uterus and breasts. 
I’ve always imagined of being a boy and acted more masculine than any other girl in my household. I only acted in a more feminine way either because my mother forced it on me or because I thought it looked cute. I don’t hate my genitals because of my monthly menstrual cycle which are mostly painful - I just hate them because…I hate them.
 I don’t hate being a woman because of not being able to walk down the street at night or shady men that only talk to us because they want us to have sex with them or the rules that my mother makes in the house since I was in elementary school of only girls doing chores and staying in the house and the men going out and working. 
This strange feeling started when I was 14. I don’t know if I certify as “transgender” because I don’t really label myself as that. I feel like I don’t really have dysphoria, I just have the occasional imagination of being perceived as a man, walking down the street and everyone looking at me and seeing me as a man, sitting down at a job interview and being talked to as a man and just living life as male. I get disgusted whenever I think of marrying a man as a woman, aging as a woman - and becoming old as a woman. It feels repulsive and undesirable to me, but I don’t care if other people live that life if they want it. 
I’m afraid if I ever think and ever have the money to transition I will regret later in my life; I will regret the fact that I cut off my breasts and masculinized my body to the point that I can’t change it anymore.