THINGS HE'S DONE

• spend 30 minutes trying to get a glued penny off a sidewalk
• stare directly at the sun
• walk around his girlfriend's house playing his guitar and singing because he couldn't find the front door
• ring out his wet t-shirt and drink the sweat water out of it
• eat rocks because someone told him to
• eat dirt and worms for like $5, jump off bridges and buildings for $10-$20
• "yeehaw"
• "watch this" *does gun trick* *gun trick fails* *shoots himself in the foot*
• stand on the back of a moving horse, fall off the horse, bust his head open on the pavement
• punch bugs off the wall when his girlfriend asks him to get rid of them
• forget his birthday
• offer his girlfriend a bite of his burger while she's in the middle of eating her own burger
• throw food up in the air and catch it in his mouth because "he wants to feel like a dog"
• bite a pork chop into the shape of texas

THINGS HE BELIEVES

• the sun will probably help his cuts and bruises heal faster, because "the sun is brighter in texas"
• he can win a gun fight with his fists due to his agility and strength
• tetanus doesn't exist in texas (he doesn't know what tetanus is)
• the devil made dinosaurs and he might bring them back one day

THINGS HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND

• the sun, just in general, doesn't understand why it's so bright or why/how it's in the sky, he does not know the sun is a star and if you told him that he wouldn't believe you

THINGS HE'S SAID

• "don't worry babe, i won't let the horse kill you"
• "baby, i need those chips"
• "If it was high noon, you reckon I'd be able to dodge the other cowboy's bullet, and then punch him really fast and win?"

THINGS HE'S CALLED HIS BEST FRIEND OVER

• eating bone marrow dog treats