• (712): My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
• (808):Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
• (928): She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
• (716): God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
• (352): I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

• (501): My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
• (501):My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
• (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.