To my friend, R.

The last time we spoke was a few weeks ago. We conversed and theorized over the episodes of Hazbin Hotel Season 2. At the time, this was the only moment where I'd ever gotten to hear from you, and I was enthusiastic to savor as much of the present that I could able around your presence.

You and I, we used to talk a lot. But over time, the time has really kept us apart and we've found other priorities in our lives to be occupied over. The year's almost over. Another year is just around the bend. Sometimes I wonder how things may have changed if I just tried reaching out again. That maybe I should've been the one that needed to put in enough effort if everyone else is moving on.

And at some point, I've felt so bitter and wondered if it was possibly better for me to cut you off and myself free from my own guilt and misery. It grew tempting sometimes to run away and leave behind all my past memories of you and everyone else from the older days. There were times where I genuinely wondered if I was the only one who cared this much. That, maybe it was just ridiculous of me to keep holding onto things that used to make my life a little brighter.

Yet, you're still here. Still my friend. Still your friend. I never knew if it was ever true; if you really were the abuser that our former friend used to make you out to be. Or perhaps the realization that you may have had BPD after all this time could have pieced it all together. Truthfully, I can't excuse your behavior onto others, towards me, or even towards yourself. Because everyone at some point needs to take accountability for themselves and acknowledge what they've done. The damage we've done onto people can never be taken back and it's not impossible to regain their trust. But it's never truly a guarantee that it'll ever be the same as it used to be.

I don't hold any spite anymore for being ghosted. Whether you're busy or whether you have better things to do with someone else, I could care less if you've come to me just because you needed something from me. After all, you haven't been the only one. Humans tend to exploit each other in the multitude of ways. That's just how we are. I'm not so hurt by what people are capable of doing to each other. And I shouldn't always assume things in such bad faith. It could all really be chalked up as being busy with life in the same vein.

In actuality, the gradual distance used to ache a lot. Because I used to confide in you so deeply on what you had to say. You've never faltered on your image of me, and you've always harbored some sort of faith in our friendship. Regardless of what was said of you, I couldn't imagine the irreparable hurt that you were capable of. But perhaps that was just the rose-tinted glasses talking. After all, I've known you since high school. We dated briefly before you made the decision to break things off. And that led me to acknowledge my own habits of neglect. Maybe that's where I've went wrong. That I've judged myself too harshly when there was the possibility that you needed a lot more than what I'd wanted. That same conclusion can be applicable just as fairly in this circumstance. There may be greater needs that you may have- deeper attachments even onto someone else. That just can't be helped.

Wherever road I turn to nowadays has always felt bittersweet. It's not like I can truly endure whatever hardships that are thrown at me. Recalling the lighter moments where none of that really mattered all that much makes the burden feel less overbearing. In truth, I miss talking to you. Just as much as I miss talking to any old friend that I used to know. I miss the times where things used to feel so simple because we were too young to really care frankly. I wonder all the time when I'd be able to let it go. But I know, this letter would be far from ever reaching you. At this point, I'm only letting out what I think and keeping it frozen in a moment of time.

There's only one thing that I know for sure. I really don't have anything against you. I can't speak for anyone that you've hurt. And they sure as hell have the right to forgive or not to forgive you. We may not talk as often anymore; I still care a lot about what you think. You used to have so much significance in changing the way I thought about myself. It holds true with certainty that we have grown apart. But that's the reason why I can't really acknowledge you as a close friend anymore. Because is it truly friendship if we only play the same transactional dance? Is it truly friendship if the general surface consensus is that low maintenance friends don't require that much effort? What is friendship anymore if it begins to feel more one-sided rather than done together? Don't get me wrong. You and I *ARE* friends. But we are way past no return in how much time flown and how far we've become as adults now. As far as I'm concerned, we may not click as well compared to how we were as teenagers haha! That's purely hypothetical though because I've always gotten along with you. For every moment where I had to be vulnerable, I hadn't felt uncomfortable sharing anything to you because I knew I could trust you with anything.

R, I am your friend. You're more than welcome to come by and chat with me no matter how long time goes. It just piles on more things to talk about. I may not feel a mutual closeness. But no matter what, that can't diminish the length of time that I've known you.

And one day, one day I can finally lend out a hand, get burned sometimes, and not take the sting so personally. I'll keep practicing if I must. Thank you for extending your kindness and understanding to me on the harder moments in life where I needed a new perspective to turn it all around. Thank you for never doubting me and for coming around when your input really mattered the most.

I'll be looking forward to more of your sudden visits again.

Best, Tilirus