The forefront of the mind is what I call the deliberate thinking center, where most awareness typically lends watch. The background noise is like a foam rising up from these louder pitches which will require a bit more deeper tuning into to catch eye of; but I am sure you know the statements: ‘chatter’ or ‘TV static’ to represent it. To quickly verify what I am saying, repeat mantras or phrases enough times and your brain will begin to zone out eventually on the automated and seemingly inescapable ‘flowing river’ behind this all. Beyond everything here, I cannot say with absolute certainty; I imagine the unconscious processes take place which only a dedicated visit will retrieve. For me, there is another level, the voice commentary - also another hallucination echoing (audibly) my mind. Here ‘they’ talk about whatever decisions or musings I am doing or having; I am never free from this often harsh scrutiny. At best I would describe them as drill sergeants pushing me harder - at worst they tell me what to do (that are proceed with varying feelings of compelling force). If I give into what I hear, the pressure to obey or listen is that much more intense. So, what am I being commanded to do? Ignore that for now and I will speak on this: picture having a filter over your eyes designed for every situation you have hitherto encountered (with the illness) - this is the script and or narrative as I like to call it that the voices will use to coerce me into actions I do not want. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, greed, shame, fear, doubt, worry, obsession, rumination, anger, hatred, irritation, bitterness, etc. all are the primary reflexive tools that I have to face and turn from if I want to do my own thing - so there is a constant struggle to stay grounded and focus on what I care about - for like a robber hiding behind the door waiting to slip you up, there they too seek my misery. Out of notions like ‘safety’ or ‘harm reduction’, they would feign logical imperative, but time after time this all is a ruse to shudder. What do you have if not a sense of direction and lying vulnerable and afraid? Like with the background thoughts I mentioned, I have intrusive thoughts seeping up very much the same, though they are much more like having hiccups - unwanted and recurring thoughts that repulsive innately the host physically (heart rate) into a reaction.

• To Chris Duff:

Chris Duff Just so you know I am not doing this out of fear, how I can tell is that there is more fear from doing it than to it. This is just some anecdotes I have written for your understanding, potentially, with these particular mental conditions–if–you don't already know much. I figured it might help you see stuff in a different way, when we talk, how these operations can effect functions.

Intrusive, unwanted thoughts are different than the voice commentary–but–they can feel similarly. With the thoughts, I can choose not to chase after them–with the 'hallucinations'–they super-impose judgments, accusations, commands, statements, etc. So imagine, if while you were typing or just laying still (looking up at the ceiling), you could hear voices directly in your ears, telling you 'you suck', 'you deserve to die', 'I hate this', 'your brother's cock', 'you're a pussy', 'Chris Duff was right and I was wrong', and other sorts of profanities, slurs, you could ever imagine, etc. over and over–all while still awake (365 days a year)–like in a nightmare, only my dreams (while asleep) and communications can partially take me out of.

The thoughts: There’s all sorts of games you can play, for example, there’s “curve ball”–which is essentially–catch all the automatic commentaries, circulating ‘round, audibly; then there’s a more direct sensory anomaly, of “dissociation”, with the thoughts entering into the forefront and background’s foaming contents–I would describe it as–thoughts that ‘feel like they don’t belong’, because I don’t relate and or associate with them, seemingly, foreign and alien (to my personality construct). “Intrusive thoughts” are pretty basic: They are simply unwanted (typically painful emotionally), but bubble up into the forefront and or background, exceedingly often or not–depending on my reactions to ‘correct them’, with reassuring dialogue (i.e., ‘that’s not true’, ‘I’m a good person’), rationalizing, blocking out (repeating mantras as a filter), avoidance (through distraction), etc. The mind will metaphorically “juke me”, because I’m so keen at all the comings and goings–saying something I don’t want to be aware of, like ‘you su — “ and not finish the sentence–almost as if I was being tested to acknowledge the piece and or end up saying it myself, for diffusion (desensitization via provocation of unwanted thoughts and or feelings), or not. If I choose to just realize the ‘juke’, then it sometimes segues into a somewhat benevolent–line–as, ‘I shouldn’t say that anymore’.

When you allow yourself to just do things, without trying to stop them, it’s like life speeds up–and you could be surprised–at how much relief it gives, to not try and stop what you’re doing, because inevitably, it seems like we just do it in the long-run, perhaps, more sloppily and unpleasant. To do this, rid yourself of preconception–rid yourself–of ‘having to be a certain way’, and just do. Fighting creates invisible monsters–fleeing–creates inevitable disappointment, when we’ve spent all our life that way, to find out that there was no true “enemy” or “victim”.