• daphne: isn't there a manual? Niles: yes but unfortunately Stephen Hawkins isn't here to explain it to us
• Niles: Frasier, I have to ask you a small favour. I need you to create a distraction while I have a sex change and move to Europe
• Frasier: "Who are you calling?" Niles: "Allison. It's been hours since we spoke"
• Oh put your eyebrows down! #Frasier
• Niles: Run along and you be very careful crossing streets
• Niles: Maris and I are back on the expressway to love. Well maybe not the expressway but at least the on-ramp
• Niles: "We're pregnant! ...but... my slow sperm!?" Daphne: "I must have fast eggs"
• Frasier: If only it were that complicated, Niles.
• Frasier: They did a charming duet of "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better". They were both wrong
• Frasier: Murderers on death row can find women to marry them
• Niles: i wanna prove that I am strong and independent and I just can't do that alone
• Niles: At least you're deep enough to realise you're shallow
• Niles: This is my brother Dr Frasier Crane! Man: Ah, I've heard your programme! Frasier: well, I've seen your wife
• Daphne: It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want! Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex IS what we want!
• Bulldog: I've got a better idea. Why don't we just walk up to Mike Tyson and tell him he talks funny!?
• Bulldog: doc, can we hurry this thing up? I've got a charity event tonight. She's not much to look at but what the hell
• Niles: You know I don't lift! Frasier: Yes with that stick where it is I'm surprised u can bend!
• Frasier to Niles: only the truth shall make u clot
• Roz: wow, reminds me of college... Staying up all night before a big exam and then wishing I'd studied instead
• Kenny: are u sure she's over me? Because once I get under a lady's skin...pshh... I'm like a splinter.
• Frasier: I met a girl today! Daphne: So did she
• Niles: I don't like pigeons, they have no respect for public art
• Frasier: Have u been listening to me?! Martin: Well I tried not to but some of it still got through
• Martin: can I offer you a drink? Simon: Oh, I hate to drink alone...can I have a sandwich with that?
• Simon: where can I put my bags? Frasier: by the door so you don't forget them when you leave later
• Niles: but my slow sperm...? Daphne: I must have fast eggs!
• Martin to Daphne: Is it true you wet ur pants the first time you saw a Chinese person?
• Shrink: Okay last one. What do you see here? Daphne: It's a woman... She's skinning a pigeon with a hatchet.
• Frasier: that from Roz, whose ancestors were once overheard remarking: oh what a lovely wooden horse, of course i'll sign for it!
• Anything else in the bag, Pandora?!
• Daphne: Dr Crane! Your glockenspiel has sprung to life!
• Niles: I know you don't approve but... how can I put this? Frasier: You don't care? Niles: If you could work the phrase 'rat's ass' into there, you'd have it.
• this place will have to do, seeing as the old whoremonger won't be going back to Nervosa anytime soon
• Frasier: Don't worry, we'll contact you. If not by phone then through the toaster
• Niles: I'm sorry, did u say something? Ur penis was talking so loud I couldn't hear
• Niles: where's the phone? Martin: In the bathroom. Frasier: Yes and dad's electric shaver is in the kitchen, you see, all our appliances are on an adventure this weekend
• Niles: The man who floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera.
• Niles: Well if you ask me, he's the murderer. Daphne: Impossible, he has an airtight alibi. Niles: What is it? Daphne: He was killing someone else at the time.
• frasier: have u spoken to maris about it?

Niles: no not yet. I like to know what I want before Maris tells me

• To what South American nation will you be fleeing?
• I like the rain. It chases those squeegee guys off the street
• Niles: Dad, I'd like you to convey a message to frasier. Martin: What makes you think I know where he is?
• Niles: frasier you're my brother, that entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys but this is an imposition
• Frasier: Niles, is there a light bulb over my head?
• Frasier: i need you to do me a favour on Friday if you can? Niles: ah I wish you'd said Saturday! frasier: why? Do you have plans on Friday? Niles: No but I have plans on Saturday
• Lilith [to Martin]: Knowing as I do your relationship with Frasier, when he informed me he had taken you in, I immediately flipped to the weather channel to see if hell had indeed frozen over.
• Frank: Daphne - that's a pretty name. Do people call you Daffy for short?

Daphne: Not twice.

• Niles: hello frasier!

Frasier: Oh what fresh hell is this *deadpans*

• Niles: We have to invite them, its a no-brainer

Frasier: Technically that's 2 no-brainers

• Well I guess that concludes the small talk portion of our evening
• Martin: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Niles: but dad, not everyone makes it into that second group!
• Niles: truffles. The chocolate not the fungus
• Niles: I'm sure da vinci's early notes got lots of laughs too
• Frasier: There's no such thing as a healthy superstition. Kenny: oh yeah? What do u call washing ur hands after going to the bathroom?
• Frasier: Oh Niles, if only it were that complicated
• I suggest you get a coaster for your lower lip
• Honey: Hello, I'm doctor Honey Snow. Frasier: And I'm...wait don't tell me... Dr Frasier Crane
• Frasier: where was I? Niles: U were last seen hiking up mount ego
• Niles: We'll get u across that border one way or another. i'll snuggle u under an old blanket if I have to. Daphne: Don't u mean smuggle? Niles: Um...I'm using code language, u can't b too careful.
• mum claims he was dropped as a child but I think he was thrown
• Frasier: Lilith is back. Niles: Oh so that explains why blood was pouring through all my faucets this morning
• Dont u think she's a little...oh what would the euphemism be...stupid?
• Frasier: if less is more just think how much more more would be
• Is there a point to this story looming somewhere on the horizon?
• Martin: how was ur dinner? Frasier: not since Quasimodo strolled the medieval streets of Paris have so many ppl uttered the phrase: "That poor man"
• Roz: no I'm not married, no I don't have kids, yes I still have that tattoo and no u can't see it
• Frasier: oh dad if ur going to be so subtle how will I ever get ur point?
• Hello I'm Niles, a person at this table
• What an odd combination of odours. It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers. - Niles
• Frasier: “I frown on overnight guests.” Roz: “Then you’re not doing it right.”
• Niles: Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it. Frasier: Niles, you are not scaring me, the thumb goes on the outside.
• Frasier: Didn't your mother warn you that sex could lead to things like dating?
• Roz: You know, I dated a guy once who got in trouble with the cops... Niles: Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.
• Roz: I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey! Frasier: Well allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.
• i see you're still waiting on that spine donor
• Martin: For the price you're paying for your wife's surgeries you could buy a whole new bride from the Philippines
• Daphne: I had a mole removed once. Niles: Where? Daphne: just south of Manchester. Niles: I meant where on your body. Daphne: So did I
• Roz: why is it ok for an older man to date a younger woman but not for an older woman to date a younger man? Frasier: I don't make the rules Roz, I just enjoy them
• Martin: So outa u 3, whose the lucky one who'll be driving me up to rattle snake ridge?

Frasier: well, by my count, 2 of us will be lucky

• Daphne to Roz: Who knows, maybe you'll meet some rich English lord who'll make u a lady!

Niles: I think at this point it'll take the actual Lord to make her a lady!

• Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences - frasier
• Frasier: Let's just say she eats her mistakes
• Roz: Oh I've got a big collection of those polynesian umbrellas they put in cocktail drinks. They remind me of wonderful evenings I can't remember
• Roz: Get outa my bed u pervert! Bulldog: Hey slow down, I'm getting some mixed signals here
• Frasier: its not the same as when u or dad make a mistake. I have a degree from Harvard, everytime I'm wrong the world makes a little less sense
• we have great chemistry. Bulldog: Aha I like chemistry, flunked it but I like it
• Martin: check out my new shoes, they light up when I walk away. Frasier: Doesn't everyone?
• Frasier: is there any chance this wasn't ur fault for once? Bebe: Oh darling, There's always a chance
• your names a punchline
• isnt there a zebra carcass somewhere u should be hovering over?!
• Frasier: He gets his looks from his mother. Roz: Well i'll bet he gets looks from alota women
• Niles: I don't like communal bathrooms. Its not my fault I have shy kidneys
• Niles: I only drink beer when I eat German food, which is to say: never
• Frasier: they did a charming duet of "anything u can do I can do better". They were both wrong
• you slept with her? on what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?
• same old story: love triumphs over Roz
• Martin: there was this one girl who I always let off when I know she deserved a ticket. Frasier: ah yes, the old "good cop, horny cop" routine
• did it ever occur to u that I might not want him to know? Of course it did, right before I told him.
• Niles: which horse did u bet on? Joe's dream. Niles: he seems to be taking a serene, almost Buddhist approach to the race
• hey doll, if you don't want people snapping your bra, don't wear one!
• Bulldog: why is it always the chick you really want that puts up the biggest struggle?!

Because when I finally give in I want us to Roz: really enjoy it all the more... That is, if I'm not too distracted by the fact that every other man on earth has died.

• (after being offended) hey, now before u say something that ends up offending me...
• Roz: if u ask me its the divorced ones u should worry abt. Its like they buy the fruit without giving it a squeeze first. Frasier: And this was an unbiased opinion coming from Roz who coincidentally has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana
• Frasier: i made u a promise and I'd die before breaking it. Bebe: Or soon after
• Daphne: you should write a book: how to get a date in 2 easy years
• frasier: we don't have time for your pointless tangents
• Niles: His brilliant psychiatry pulled her back together. I don't know how he did it. frasier: the words crazy glue spring to mind
• Niles fixing the tv: are we getting anything?

Martin: Does annoyed count?

• Frasier: Oh how fitting! Ur boyfriends a seizmologist and u have so many faults
• Lilith: this is frasier crane. Lilith's boyfriend: ur ex husband? Ur making a joke?! Lilith: No, God is.
• Niles: i asked her if she'd be free next week.

frasier: well what did she say? Niles: her lips said no but her eyes said read my lips

• Niles: oh wow u look like an authentic Jock, I'm half tempted to hand over my lunch money
• till dawn do you part
• Daphne: sh quiet! This is my favourite commercial! No no don't buy that floor cleaner it'll...nooooah
• Martin: oh I can't talk now, I'm in the twilight zone
• shouldnt you make a beeping sound before u back up on me like that?
• martin throws his hip out when trying to get intimate with his new lady-friend. Daphne: so 2 hips and no hooray?!
• Daphne: I was engaged once...for years. We were mad for each other. He was the greatest guy with the most gorgeous eyes u ever saw. Niles: but? Daphne: yes, that too.
• why did I have to injure my middle finger? Now how am I supposed to drive?
• Martin: you listened to bulldog's sports show? Niles: Yes dad, I can't sleep at night until I hear who threw what ball through what apparatus
• Tonight we'll master the mambo and conga. I feel myself growing a pencil-thin moustache just saying that
• Martin: be careful Niles, u don't wanna get into that situation, ur sticking a fork in the toaster here. Niles: Well, my muffin's stuck!
• Niles: Maris hates public displays of rhythm
• Niles: I just stopped by to ask u a question... Are u free Saturday night? Martin: sure. Niles: well I'm not! I have a date!
• u can't tell a crook by his cover
• Frasier: This ranting is quite liberating; rather like the time I wore a European bathing suit
• Roz walks into mens room. A stunned man at the urinal turns to see her. Roz: oh don't act like u haven't fantasised about this!
• You know you're a nerd if u play air-violin
• Frasier: I suppose u were miss popular in high school. Roz: I would say yes. Frasier: I'm guessing that explains why too!
• Frasier: that woman was unknowingly here to meet me as a possible date and now ur leaving here with her? Is there nothing I can do to appeal to ur sense of decency? Bulldog: I have no sense of decency. That way my other senses are enhanced ;)
• Wait shh, if u listen very carefully u can actually hear my skin crawling
• Why don't we go out for dinner, maybe a few martinis. That sounds great except for the dinner part
• this is total BS!
• you know There's a word for ppl who can do that, what is it?... Oh yes, bitch.
• Niles: That little bit of sabotage was not amusing. Roz: Then why did coffee come out of my nose?!
• Roz: i get it, nobody I date is good enough for her, is that what ur trying to say? Frasier: No that's what I'm trying not to say but ur making it very difficult
• Niles: This is boring yet difficult