• Elka: nice girls keep their cookies in a jar
• Happy valentines Day! Okay, that's done. Let's drink
• Johhny: Victoria Chase, will u marry me? Victoria: This had better be an acid flashback because I've just about had it with u Mr!
• Elka: Fred had very good hands. I didn't have to bluff once
• Elka: in for a penny, in for a pounding
• Joy: i loaned her my sex & the city DVDs. Might have been a mistake. Elka: I'm a Samantha
• Spokes-modelling is ur dream? Yes because it tells the world I'm pretty because I'm a model but I'm also smart because there's spoking involved
• Elka: if the guy's a cutey u gotta tap that booty
• rockstar Johnny: A heart attack with no heroin involved is a career killer!
• Elka: A man in the hand is worth 2 in the -. Joy: seriously! That one doesn't even make sense!
• Victoria: If you can imagine anything sexually, somebody's into it, who can really judge? Joy: I had sex with Rick. Victoria: i'll tell you who can judge! I can! Are you insane?!
• are you done with your neighbourhood watch? Yes and the funniest thing happened... Joy: great story so does that mean everyones knocked off?
• Everyone says they want geniuses until they see one
• Victoria: They're so vibrant and energetic but I know bone structure and they will not age well
• Joy: you are such a heartless- Rick: Winner? Legend? Rock bad boy? you don't know whether to slap my face or kiss me! (joy slaps him) Rick: I guess you do know
• Rick: It's against every instinct in my body to stop a girl fight that might result in torn clothes or a glimpse of side boobage.
• Rick: Your former friends are next. There must be some part of you that's still rooting for them. Joy: well I can't deny- Rick: kill that part of yourself!
• Melanie: The next best singer should step up! Victoria: Yes, which is why I'm stepping. Elka: You mean tripping!
• Victoria: Some diva she is! She didn't even slam the door!
• Joy: I'm the only one showing any real passion for the music! Victoria: diva-speak for "I'm great and the rest of you suck"
• Victoria: I have been speaking diva since I cheerfully informed my pre-school teacher that not all the little teapots are short and stout
• Rick: Hello Joy, alone I see. Joy: No, 'm waiting for a secret admirer. Rick: you're waiting for me. Joy: No, he just sent me a drink. Rick: yes, that was me. Joy: can't you understand I don't want it to be you!
• Joy: Careful how you toss ur sticks in the air, that time you almost hit me! Elka: I'll try harder next time!
• Rick: Would any of you care to join me in the back of my tour bus? Joy: tour bus? You drive a ford fiesta! Rick: Spanish for party!
• Melanie: we were just practising for the Battle of the Bands. Rick: Yes, i couldn't help but overhear that you suck
• Rick: We are gonna rock your socks off! I'm not wearing socks right now...small fungal issue
• Victoria: You know I really think we have a shot at winning this contest! Melanie: and even if we don't, its an honour just to be entered. Elka: That's what Joy said during Fleet Week!
• Captain: I want to invite both of you to dine with me at the captain's table tonight. Victoria: of course! What time? 21 hundred hours. Victoria: from now?
• French Captain: so... it is just us... Victoria: Oui! French Captain: Oh sorry, just we.
• Melanie: what is it with you and baths? Elka: I like to be clean... And dirty at the same time
• Joy: You're seriously going to go into a broom closet with a juror? Isn't that jury tampering? Elka: It is if you're doing it right
• This is Ohio - We want our men to be ungroomed and our vegetables to be meat
• Don't these casting directors realise what God made? Victoria: Trust me, in Hollywood even God doesn't recognise what He made
• Victoria (In Amish country): I'm enjoying myself here. Your whole "no mirror" thing really frees up the day!
• Melanie: i'll climb up and ask him if it's okay if u get married. Elka: No, you're too drunk! Melanie: No, I'm just drunk enough!
• Melanie: We could volunteer at a senior centre. Joy: No way old people are the worst... (to Elka) Present company included.
• Joy: If you love something lock it in the basement and feed it through a slot in the door until it loves you back
• Melanie: I love the faces of old people - every wrinkle tells a story. Joy: yes, and the moral of the story is: wear sunscreen
• Joy: I could never date a do-gooder. They're always so into nature and eventually that leads to camping
• Victoria: I can be a bit of an acquired taste. Some people don't like me right off the bat. Elka: or 6 months later
• Joy: Elka?! Elka: Thee are mistaken, hookers!
• She changed my life and made me feel like a mannequin... Oh man again! That makes more sense!
• Homeless man: Joy sleeps on the right side of the bed, I sleep on the left...Unless England's in the world cup, then nobody sleeps, small chuckle!
• Victoria: They want me to do human interest stories but you know, I have no interest in humans
• Joy: I'm engaged! To a homeless man. Elka: Oh, Joy, haven't the homeless suffered enough?!
• Elka: Now see if you can get us some ice-cream from next door! Melanie: well, I'm not wearing the right bra but i'll try
• whats that dummy? there's a pitcher of margaritas trapped in the fridge?
• She comes from a very classy escort service. You can tell because the 'a.s.s.' in 'classy' is capitalised
• Here's the camera, here's the zoom, although its high def, so, you know, don't zoom
• Joy about a man she met at her shrink's office: There's a chance we're screwed up in completely complimentary ways!
• Melanie: You're comparing buying stamps to making a sex tape? Victoria: Oh ur right, buying stamps is so much worse! I have to go all the way to the post office. You just have to go upstairs
• Elka: When 2 people love each other very much, they get a camera...
• Elka: I have a gift with animals. I call it: The Gift
• Victoria: My agent says to hold off on the sex tape. He says there might be an opening on Celebrity Rehab...? They just wanna figure out which addiction would get me the most camera time.
• Joy: The only reason I'd make a sex tape is as a teaching tool - more of this, less of this, Woah slow down there cowboy!
• Melanie: I hear the most erotic organ is the brain. Escort girl: Yeah, I get alota requests for the brain.
• Joy: I love rescue dogs, they're so grateful and happy. I wish there were rescue men.
• A one night stand with the same man twice
• Joy's bad dates: "Pre-op Andy who turned into awkward 1st date Andrea"
• Joy: Your evil twin. And when I told him u and I were together he flew into a jealous rage and started attacking ur gorgeous new car with a crowbar! It was horrible! He shattered the windshield, he slashed the tyres, he even ripped that cute little prancing horse off the hood!

I don't have an evil twin! And now u don't have a Ferrari either. Joy: And now u don't have a Ferrari either

• well, not to belittle your experience, Joy, but your experience is so much smaller than mine was
• Elka: Is it true? Is your heart really promised to me Max? Max: Its promised to the Cleveland clinic but until then it beats for you...
• Joy: Oh stop it! I didn't interrupt your testilying!
• Elka: I ran outa vodka so I thought I'd come over here and fill up my drunk.

Joy: But we had a full bottle! Elka: I spilled some...in my mouth

• Joy: I keep telling you people never change. That's why, instead of confronting my mum, I've consumed an entire bottle of wine.

Victoria: You don't seem that drunk. Joy: Oh, we English never do. The alcohol is neutralised by our bottled-up anger

• Victoria: So. Nick is not going to take no for an answer, huh?

Elka: No. I've never been in a triangle before. You girls are slutty; what would you do? Joy: Geometry's more Victoria's speciality; she's been into triangles, squares... Victoria: Yeah, I was almost in a hexagon once, but at the last minute the twins dropped out.

• Joy: That's a lot of boobage for your daughter's play. Elka: Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.

Melanie: Yes, I know, but Jenna set me up with one of her friends' fathers and we're going out to dinner after. Elka: Well, in that case, tits ahoy!

• Victoria: Come meet my boyfriend. But hands off... he's brittle
• Joy: "What does he look like?" Victoria: "Look like?! Don't be shallow, he's rich!"
• Victoria: People are plucking their own brows? Do we live in a third world country now?
• Melanie: Pete's being punished, I am not talking to him! Elka: That's not how u punish a man! You talk more!
• So what are u in for? Drunk and disorderly...or as I like to call it: Tuesday
• Elka: I wish I had what u 3 have

Valerie: Well u do now. Elka: I meant a tolerance for your voices

• Joy: You're not old, 40 is the new 25. Victoria: I thought 40 was the new 30. Joy: well if we're just going to make crap up I'd rather be 25
• Valerie: "I h8 u dbag" Joy: "well 8 could be ate like I ate something." Valerie: "and dbag could be like da bomb?" Elka: "I hate you douche bag."
• Elka: The last fight we had was about whether or not the gun was loaded. 2 days later: BAM-OH! Heart attack
• Valerie: When Joy was a teenager she got pregnant.

Elka: Well I'm not surprised.

• Joy: Someone recently mistook me for Kate Beckinsale and I told him I loved him.

Elka: couldn't u have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog?

• Joy: who do you have to sleep with to get a private jet out of Cleveland?

Victoria: I resent that comment. and it's not who u think.

• Joy: Celebrities are just like everyone else. Victoria: You take that back!
• Victoria: I hate jocks

Joy: You were married to a wide receiver Victoria: I still don't know what sport that was

• Elka: hear that? Its the sound of us all turning against you
• Elka on funeral crashing to meet men even though she has a man: just because I'm chained to the fence doesn't mean I can't bark at the guard
• (Melanie kissing her cop boyf Pete) Elka: What else do you want for breakfast?
• So let's use each other to get to the top. In Hollywood we call that friendship
• Highlights on but nobody's home
• preserve freshness of crotch
• Victoria: I wasn't a good friend and i'll never forgive myself for that. Joy: Of course u will... And I will too
• heres the salt. I'm impressed u can still use that! (to Elka)
• Melanie: i can't believe u went to that much trouble to find a date! Victoria: But u do believe it right?
• Oooh Gout?! Somebody likes to party - Elka
• Melanie: hes coming over here. How do I look?. Victoria: Freakishly young. What about me? How's my hair? Melanie: Like God retouched it
• are all actresses as beautiful in person as u? Victoria: Sadly no.
• whats ur name? Steve. No no I think u are an Allister. - Victoria
• what do u do? Well with the economy & everything.. I'm bored already you are an architect - Victoria
• I ran outa time or I didn't prioritise or I dunno just get off my back - Victoria
• I'm a wonderful gift giver. Look at this beautiful pre-birthday gift I got myself - Victoria
• i wish I had a divorce. I have animals that die - Joy
• did u have to insult the judge like that? He called me elderly! Well u are elderly! And he was really fat
• They never close. They welcome in all people, any time, day or night. Its like hell - Victoria
• Victoria: what are u wearing?

Joy: that thing I wore to that thing when that guy thought I was that model

• You watch Entourage? You seem more like a Weeds viewer to me - Joy
• All the most beautiful ppl in the world move to LA to become stars leaving behind in their wake beauty voids for the rest of us to fill - Victoria
• This is why the internet was invented. For men to find pictures of naked celebrities and for women to cyber-stalk the men they trust - joy
• friends don't let friends move to Cleveland - Joy
• Victoria: What were we thinking? Alcohol and salt and trans fats?! Joy: I know. French fry grease is literally sweating from my pores
• Everyone's eating and no one's ashamed - Victoria
• I feel young and hot...like they're undressing me with their eyes and not finding spanx - Joy
• yeah, that hat screams ignore me - Joy
• Joy: Are u having an asthma attack?

Melanie: No you know how sometimes my voice get all deep & sensual like a young Elka: Larry King?

• Kirk (Elka's attorney): it must be exciting living with a famous actress

Victoria: was that a proposal?!

• Moisturize! The less lines you have, the more lines you'll hear - joy
• Take care of your skin. Spots belong on leopards, not cougars - elka
• Airplane mirrors aren't accurate are they? No of course not! They get them from fun houses!
• ur asking me for advice? since when am I the gay best friend?
• I had to get it off my chest. If u had a chest you'd know what I mean
• what a rush! My adrenaline is pumping! do u think that burns calories? I think it does, I'm gonna order chips
• That awkward moment when you see a guy with bigger boobs than yours. #Chester #HiC
• boy it must be exciting living with a famous actress Victoria: was that a proporal?!
• Victoria: Is there anything someone as broad-shouldered as you can do?