• * Jack: I have a feeling Karen killed a guy with her bare breasts
• I'm desperate! What's it gonna take for you to break up with Jack? Well I really love him so... 50 bucks
• Does it hurt your back to kiss your own ass like that?
• Jack: Oh, my God, that mean bully act is so 1983 I could vomit.
• Jack: I actually feel the spirit of Britney in the room! And you.. are not that innocent!
• Will: does this go with this?

Jack: Does 'no' go with 'way'?!

• Will: you can't do anything without me!

Grace: HAHAHA! That was me laughing without you!

• Grace: Will, you just said 'jack and Karen are right' u need to cut wheat out of your diet
• Karen: Lord. They're like Siamese twins who are joined at their boring personalities
• Will: Hello Karen I'm surprised to see u up so early. Karen: oh grow up honey I haven't been to bed yet
• Grace: I wanna marry the one.

Karen: And u should! How else r u gonna get to the 2 and the 3?!

• Karen shows off her new shopping. Grace: "Do you also hold up sandwiches in front of starving children?"
• Jack: birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, will's gotta lighten up
• will: you eat but never cook and you put on a maid's uniform but u never clean the house
• whats with the vertical eyebrows?
• Well I wouldn't have acted that way if u hadn't walked in all high and mighty- acting all mighty while I was high
• Jack to Karen: the thought that someone would treat u as a piece of meat disgusts me! (slaps her ass)
• for all our guests who came all the way from the UK, i'll be translating everything I say into English
• and now I'd like to invite everyone to the dancefloor to celebrate a song representing the couple's undying love for each other: the chicken dance!
• i'll leave u 2 to talk. I think you'll find u have something fascinating in common... Me!
• Mr Stein: come on, let's go have a drink

Will: its 8o'clock in the morning! Mr Stein: well ok, we'll have eggs too

• Rozario: We have a little visitor...

Karen: for God's sakes, what am I ur mother? You know where the tampons are, sort urself out!

• Grace: mmm it smells so good in here

Karen: for Gods sake Grace, don't draw attention to ur nose

• he's my arch nemesissy
• Jack: He gave me an old tamato

Will: Old tomato? Jack: Uh yeah! Where u have to choose one thing or the other. Eat it or throw it. Will: Oh I must have been confused coz I pronounce it toe-mah-toe. Jack: Ta-may-toe, toemahtoe

• I can't believe u have the nerve to just toss me aside like some meaningless fling or unattractive baby!
• she knocked over a clown next to the mcdonalds on main road. That's a pretty good McDonald's. Don't I know it!
• Haha...haah oooh I've got a fake laugh with ur name all over it...
• (joke) Haha, bang bang! even in the mid west I'm funny!
• Well look @ u... Age has done nothing to u. Oh yeah? Well it wacked u in the face with a shovel and left u for dead! U look like hell!
• gimme a scotch, I'm starving
• I've always said if ur genitals are on the outside ur hiding something on the inside
• What the hell does that have to do with what we were talking about? Honey, ur story was boring..wha?
• This is so unfair! Well so is my cottage cheese ass!
• I may not always be coherent or conscious but I'll always be there if u wanna talk.
• we can have a dinner party at their house...it'll give them a chance to break out the good plastic
• talking to urself again? Sometimes I'm the only one with something intelligent 2say / worth listening to.
• I've still got it! Oh shame I'll have the pharmacy send over some antifungal cream
• don't wanna scare anyone back to their natural hair colour but um..
• just go to bed coz you've obviously had a very busy day of crazy.
• oh lord! honey, ur just as simple as that blouse ur wearing
• my love for u is like this scar... Ugly but permanent.
• lets try the back door. Shame on U, tryin2 come onto me like that
• honey I'm too tired to slap u... Bash ur face against my palm quickly.
• oh honey, I would but... I don't want to.
• hey watch ur mouth or I'll wash it out with cheap vodka
• by the inflection in ur voice I can tell that u think wat ur saying is funny but no.
• um hello, "Day Old News"? Yes I'd like to cancel will truman's subscription. Yes he's goin 2b giving his business to "Behind the Times" ok thank u... Love u too... Bye bye now.
• got a hot date? No but the guy who's dating me does
• hey, this is a place of business! We are tryin2get some work done and we don't need u just barging... Hang on, I'm saying it and I don't even buy it! Haha!
• are u done? Wait wait, let me rephrase that...ur done!
• (gasp!)... That was u taking my breath away.
• u say potato, I say vodka
• I don't like fish. Really? But u drink like one.
• we need to help them out... Pretend 2think, pretend 2think...pretend 2care pretend 2care...
• are u thinking wat I'm thinking? I dunno, are u thinking about wat it would be like to have spiderman spray his web on u?
• welcome to Cynical Island, population: you
• sex is out of the question...i don't even like seeing ur head poke out of ur jersey
• if ur looking for aunt karen, she's not here - she doesnt work on days that end with "day"
• I came as soon as u called! Well that's flattering, thanx 4 sharing but its really none of my business
• I like him like I like table mountain - I like to know he's there but I don't need 2see him all the time
• wanna go for dinner tnyt? We could grab some italian...and then get something 2eat afterwards
• well well well, look wat the cat cleaned up, showered, exfoliated, Gucci'd and dragged in
• I smell liquor on my breath...ur drunk!
• I have to admit that that was, pants down, the best birthday ever
• knock knock, anyone homo?
• we broke up for the right reasons... I wanted 2raise the kids catholic and he wanted 2 sleep with asians
• why did I agree to that? I must have been sober...well that won't happen again!
• Honey look on the bright side. What bright side? Oh sweetie, its just an expression
• wow u did a really great job here, I take my pants off to u
• so wat drink would u prefer? Honey, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick so ur asking the wrong gal ok
• sweet mary kate and ashley, I can't believe it!
• no he's not laughing at u, he's laughing with me who is laughing at u
• we're all lesbians when the right man isn't around
• ok rule number 1: unless ur served in a frosted glass, u don't come within 5metres of my lips ok
• ur right I'm an adult -erer
• up yours count drunkula
• oh look its dumb and drunker
• have u lost ur mind - as well as ur looks?!
• u did this to torture me! I did not, that was just an unexpected bonus
• on phone: Omg, really? I can't wait to tell my friends! To others: I'll see u guys later
• but u said money is no object! oh honey, that's just a saying... like ooh, "that sounds fun" or "I love u".
• do u smell toast? Coz I think ur having a stroke
• go before somebody drops a house on you. Up yours dorothy
• oh I'd love to stay and chat but I'm getting woozy frm the boozey seeping frm ur enlarged pores. Oh honey they're not enlarged, they're just in shock over that hair colour of urs. Hm sweet gal
• Language was only invented when unattractive ppl were born so they could be commented on
• kiss it, kiss it, spank it
• Ooo intro-seduce me!
• You are constantly partially there for me... What can I pretend to do for u?
• I need a top-up there's too much blood in my alcohol stream
• Oh how quaint someone got flowers...or as I like to call them, poor-peoples-jewellery
• People who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles.
• I'm running outa patience. And by patience I mean prozac.
• The only thing I ever sewed was a stab wound on prom night
• Now ur talking Maxineese
• FYI, I missed u but don't make a big deal out of it, just be happy a celebrity is talking to u.
• I asked u 2 feed my fish while I was away but I can see how u could reinterpret that as "fill my computer with gay porn"
• ooh look who had cereal with sugar
• Dude, the lady's watching...do u wanna gay it down a notch?!
• This is my associate, mr grisshom who was unfortunately born without a personality.
• the toughest case of all - will versus life
• go ahead caller you're on the air.