• nice outfit, is it yesterday already?
• nice outfit, but on somebody else.
• Dear zombies, if at all possible, please begin the zombie apocalypse with the Thriller dance. Sincerely, an MJ fan. #DPS
• ah I pulled something. I used to run track
• stop picking ur nose! I'm not picking I'm scratching. Scratching what? Ur brain? Yeah, coz its huge!
• unless I'm working at the helium factory I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
• Never make eye contact while eating a banana
• Do u know what we have here! Its the rarest of rare species! The hot nerd!
• ur lucky they didn't shoot u in the ass or u woulda been brain damaged
• You're a great dancer! Thanx, you're a great liar
• Why are u smirking? I just told you how much I hate you! Oh its just coz it shows u still care. we're gonna have great make-up sex coz hate is the cousin of love. Well hate is the sister of murder u jackass!
• Jonathan: What makes u so sure ur gonna win? Mona: Well there's only one thing I've ever lost in my life...and that was a pleasure!
• Charlie's girlfriend: No honey I don't have the energy for that tonight. Charlie: That's ok, I have enough energy for both of us
• my fuse is long... But it is attached to dynamite - 2 and a Half Men
• how've you been? The same
• The only way for u to get over penny is to get back on the whores - big bang theory
• many of the world's most successful ppl have got divorced in their time... Elizabeth Taylor... Elizabeth Taylor... Elizabeth Taylor... I could go on.
• Woman: i want a divorce and I want a quick one.

Man: Well make up your mind!

• i have a few questions for u... The first one is: are u an idiot?.
• bulldog: hey you know what's over my head?

Roz: almost any clever remark

• stop crying or i'll give u something to cry about
• So, do u believe in the pope? Uh, don't u have to? He's real isn't he? Don't tell me its another tooth fairy / santa conspiracy?
• I just came back from Amsterdam...I think?
• Really excited to be here. This morning I could feel tension mounting. Tension's my dog. Yeah, he was excited too.
• how can moormen have 8 wives? Some ppl can't even get a girlfriend.
• Ja I have some strange friends. One likes to... u know (makes drinking motion) play the trumpet. My other friend, he loves the (smoking motion) smoothies. Yeah he's addicted. Strawberry smoothies every morning.

Oh and my other friend, wow... I think he might uh, u know (50/50 movement/ not sure if he's gay) have Parkinson's.

• When I say I wanna beat him up, I actually just mean, u know, I don't like him.. So...if u say u wish he could go drown himself, u actually mean u wanna hug it out?
• bringing her into a hug, what is that? What r u doing? Its a moment
• Wow you're good! What? who told ya?!
• heeeey sunshine! Heeeey ass face :)
• sorry I couldn't hear u over my gag reflex
• lying around, sipping a cocktail through an extra long straw so I don't accidentally do a situp
• ur the pop eye to my olive; the Micky to my Minnie :) ...the sick to my stomach!
• before u make the same mistake I did, the movie was supposed to be in black and white! I was like Portia my eyes broke! Call the orthodontist!
• are u drunk?! No! Do u wanna be?
• Why did I get up so early? Um hello, maybe because u have a job! No, that couldn't be it...
• You're too kind with all these gifts... Maybe ur expecting something in return? Like what? A hug? Um or maybe ur expecting a hug with friction?
• I have been looking for u everywhere! Oooh what a coincidence, I've been avoiding u everywhere! - princess & the frog
• Is movember happening right under ur nose?
• You had me at cuervo
• I've been on a calendar but I've never been on time - Marilyn monroe
• now if u don't think this song is the greatest song ever, I will fight u..and that's no lie
• everybody knows i'm packing heat
• everyday I play poker in my dressing room. Then I put my clothes back on and go out
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
• Life isn't like a box of chocolates, but a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. -Lou Holtz Jr.
• funny how annoying a little prick can be
• thanx for still caring enough to lie
• Hello, even when she was fat, u could see she had potential! - Daniela Pereira RE Kelly Osbourne
• clench and sneeze
• saw some new faces, some old faces, some new faces on old bodies
• paulo! 9 o clock! Paulo: where the eff is 9oclock?
• i'm ur cheese of the day
• Ozzie Ozbourne is gonna outlive Miley Cyrus
• I'll stab u in the arm with an adrenaline needle. Ur life is in jeopardy I'm like an angel, I'm helping u
• Where the hell have u been?! We went to see Cher. Cher?! ...how was it?
• Jeffreys just a nice bloke from down the road aint he? Nobody can be scared of a Jeffrey
• Do u have a scalpel in ur pocket so u don't just own my balls metaphorically but u actually have them literally in ur pocket? Ur like Michael Jacksons dad right now, this is like abuse
• "no I don't think ur a house n-word African child"
• "ur blackmailing me with ur genitals, its not fair"
• Oh, if u see a possum, try to kill it k. Its not a pet
• Paternostra: every 5minutes nothing happens
• Can I come visit your flat screen?
• there's just one question I need to ask and its one I ask quite common in preparation for any event... Is there gonna be an open bar?
• i want some stud lovin
• rub me with oil or die
• MOM!! THE MEATLOAF!!
• OH NO! He turned the gun sideways! That's a kill shot!!!
• yes, encouragement!
• I only want u for ur looks & ur cheap ass
• I support Man United... LOL joke! I'm not retarded!
• while I'm undercover, my names not Maxine. Its double O dollar sign OO$
• girl is drowning in ocean: Help, someone please throw me a line! Boy 1: ok, I thought the ocean was blue till I saw ur eyes! Boy 2: u idiot! How's that gonna help pull her in?! Boy 1: oh trust me, its helped me pull before
• Wow she's really making that banana last long
• Dont touch my belly to make a point
• Your just jealouzz of me
• hey! hey? Don't u mean oink? U little porker
• how do I look? Like a runway model, now runaway!
• aah u plonker!
• I need to burn some rubber. I miss the days when I went go-karting as a kid. Ok, I lie, as a teen. Ok I was in my late teens. Some ppl consider 20year olds teens right?
• enough of this tomfoolery
• “Think about it. If you are single, there isn’t one occasion where people celebrate you…Hallmark doesn’t make a “congratulations, you didn’t marry the wrong guy” card. And where’s the tupperware for going on holiday alone?"
• I put the rock in rocking chair
• how cool is that? Macarena cool!
• the only time I'm ever in my bikini is if I'm tanning in my garden or if I'm drunk
• if the formula for water is H20, what's the formula for ice? H20 cubed ;)
• what do u call cheese that isn't urs? Nacho cheese!
• theyre just friends. A man and a woman can b jst friends. Um, but why?
• geez u went all out! We wanna raise money at the charity not blood pressure. We all give in our own way
• Bianca: Hi Jessica, you look great. Are you doing anything different or just hanging out with skankier friends? Jessica Spencer: You look good, too, Bianca. Are you eating less or just barfing more? Monique: Barfing more.
• Boys r cheats & liars, they're such a big disgrace. They will tell u anything 2get2 2nd base...ball, baseball he thinks he's gona score. If u let him go all the way then ur a hor...ticulture studies flowers, geologist studies rocks. The only thing a guy wants frm u is a place to put his cock...roaches, beetles, butterflies & bugs. Nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of jug...glers & acrobats, a dancing bear named Chuck. All guys really want to do is - forget it, no such luck.
• Soooo...? :) What are u gonna wear when u break up with him?
• he's a good catch. He's smart, he's handsome, he's funny (sometimes even on purpose)
• dont do business in ur bedroom... Unless its monkey business
• I don’t get jealous when I see my EX with someone else coz my mommy always told me to give my old toys to the less fortunate
• A uterus is not a hotel! Go home & learn ur children's names!
• I'm not an alcoholic, but I think I'd be pretty good at it.
• what r u doing up so early? Well I got enough sleep on the date last night
• i'm doing troga. Treadmill yoga
• u know what they say... Nerds of a feather
• is our whiskey bold or has the world just gone soft?
• must u share your clean laundry in public? - Mona Whose the Boss
• one of the reasons I like going shopping is that the automatic doors make me feel like a ninja
• thats what ur mama said when I banged her! The jokes on u, my moms dead
• do u work out? No but my door at home gets stuck a lot
• i'm not fat, I'm just full of love / huggable
• If I got a dollar every time u looked at me...Um, I'd be kinda broke these days...
• be careful what u wish for u little nugget
• i can't run a company! I can't even run a bath!
• Others might learn from that example! While others could care less :)
• frasier: am I really that hot? Bebe: are u kidding?! If I were a pot roast I'd be done
• I'm so swamped with work! I'm even behind on my filing - I mean just look at my nails!
• I can't work on a Saturday night! I have a responsibility to the eligible males in the suburbs :)
• love it or hate it, u better not clutter it up
• fluent in emoticon
• what do u do? I'm an optometrist. Oh me too! I always look on the bright side!
• i was kicked off the cheerleading team for being too flexible - 17 again
• strange...that line usually works
• (after guiliana is injected with a needle) - ow that injection hurt! I think I need a gift.
• sleep is for the weak! ...and for retired teachers
• I don't live in the past. I just rent a place there sometimes
• he's a legend. In his own mind.
• talks so blerry loud, even the news reporter had her finger in her ear - Barry Hilton
• I'm sorry, apparently u dont realize how easily u can be replaced
• Can you meet me half way? LOL just joking, im lazy, come here.
• If karma doesnt knock you out soon, I will.
• i like boys that only need ONE girl, not 5
• Zip your lips like a padlock... uh... Kesha, darling, padlocks dont zip...
• Umm, Kesha, I dont think LOVE is the only drug you're on.
• not as dumb as he looks folks!
• man I'm tired of being right - ace ventura
• I will no longer be keeping a photo ID. Know why? coz ppl should knw who I am
• What size is my ring finger? Um, about 5 carats..?
• if u spend alota cash on me, I won't mind if u marry me for ur money
• As a teacher I have to be fair...that's why I don't tan much.
• Ah men are all animals. Thank god - ("Who's the boss")
• Lets do all the things that yyyou wanna do - ace ventura
• Please excuse him, his shorts are kinda tight.
• praxis makes perfect
• Now that I'm allegedly sober... - Tom Arnold
• Tonight I'm gonna RAM your motherboard #TheLXD
• My feet hurt when I wear high heels & other things women talk about when they get together
• My teeth grow as if directed by Tim Burton
• Paul: "come on, drinks are on... coasters" #SpinCity
• "Who needs an education? It just leads to a future, lame!" #MelissaAndJoey
• delusional: Oh, I'm sure the other kids won't be mean to him. You know how kind kids can be.
• why did u throw out the hipsters? Because I don't wanna be in the background of another instagram photo.

New Adventures of Old Christine:

• i wanna go out in public with someone who gives a crap, not smells like one.
• i thought we were going on a date? This is a date, I fully intend on sleeping with you later.
• if this isn't a date then why am I not wearing underwear?
• Are u having a good time? Okay good then tell your face #TrumpRoast
• sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none of them serious. #QI
• I didn't do it. Then why are u laughing? Cause whoever did it is a freaking genius
• I prefer to describe myself as delightfully difficult. And it would just be easier if you agreed #someecards
• I'd work out but that would get in the way of my lazing around time
• we're just like peas and carrots
• P.S. I love shoes
• hello, sorry I'm late but... well, one of my usual excuses #WhosTheBoss
• Did u come back to tell me something? Because I feel the same way! (stalker to Jackie) #That70sShow
• fuck that noise! We're not quitting! #TheChangeUp
• Your ears are obviously busted because I worked that song like a hooker pole #Glee
• "You're quiet." "No, I'm being passive aggressive" #Glee
• I miss high school! ...baseball, soccer, rugby... Yeah I went to watch alota games #8SimpleRules
• i fake-rocked your world!
• I'm not really good at IRL stuff. What's IRL? In real life #FriendsWithBenefits
• I don't believe in suicide but if you'd like to try it, it might cheer me up to watch
• Well the fridge broke so I had to eat everything #Friends
• Kids nowadays - they blow up so fast #Ahmed #JeffDunham
• Imagine the most evil thing! and multiply it! by 6!! #megamind
• Stop saying "my bad". You are not Will Smith and this is not 2003 #MelissaAndJoey
• Remember people, we're only as strong as our weakest bladder #TheBigBangTheory
• haha I'm semi-kidding #MelissaAndJoey
• You know just because I'm looking at u doesn't mean I'm listening #MelissaAndJoey
• Ugh. I dropped my laptop off a boat. Its a Dell. Rolling in the deep.
• Do you use your boobs for good or for evil? One for each #GaryUnmarried
• Well maybe she likes idiots, u know, its kinda like having a pet and a friend at the same time #TheReef
• Sometimes I sleep here. There's no reason to go home #LoveBites
• A new study shows women think of sex four times a day. I don't buy it. My show is only on 2 times a day #TheColbertReport
• I died because I didn't forward that broadcasted message. Oh wait... no... no I didn't.
• thank u so much from the bottom of my hypothalamus
• "I'm so hot ur gonna wanna film me in slow motion!" "Um, ur plenty slow already."
• waiting for my knight in shining Armani
• tick tock David, my grandchildren aren't going to give birth to themselves #RetiredAt35
• You're so funny in small doses. And you're a delight some of the time #RetiredAt35
• Ooo, I'm a naughty little school girl! You look a little old to be a school girl?! Do u wanna be my teacher? I'm really not qualified, I work for the IRS... #DinnerForSchmucks
• Girl: Do you wanna lick cheese off my naked body? Boy: Oh I'm sure Tim has plates #DinnerForSchmucks
• There's a reason your eyesight gets worse as you age: it's so that you'll still be attracted to your spouse as you get older
• I thought I met my future husband until he said he doesn't like Harry Potter. #OffWithHisHead
• Why do baby clothes have pockets? - kids getting cellphones younger?
• Drink 3 glasses of wine really quickly then say: I thought u were driving, honey?!
• Put the cat on your lap, get it comfy & stroke it till it falls asleep then say: sorry love, can't get up & do the dishes - cat's asleep on my lap. Aint he cute?
• I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
• I'm gonna go see that girl about her vagina #horriblebosses
• He's not a midget, he just has dropped suspension
• I have PMS and GPS which means I'm a bitch and I will find you.
• diapers and politicians should be changed often - both for the same reason
• Ever go into a room and forget why? That's God playing The Sims
• I'm not calling you a slut but if you had a password for your vagina it would be 1234
• i wanna eat something but I already brushed my teeth
• On a church billboard: I kissed a girl and I liked it. And then I went to hell
• "youre cute when ur mad" "yeah well I'm about to get real adorable"
• Pam: sorry I'm so tired I've been up all night with Cece. Erin: u probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late #theoffice
• Michael: "I stepped in some glass in the parking lot, it got infected even though I peed on it. #theoffice
• Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this bitch, eating those fucking skittles like she owns the place!"
• I will sever your manhood #RobinHood
• I was wearing this T-shirt saying "kiss me, I'm Irish" but no one would kiss me #parksandrecreation (maybe coz they thought I was Irish)
• Okay guys that's enough! ... Unless someone has another good one?... #parksandrecreation
• if I died my dog wouldn't notice. I tested it but I think she's better at playing dead than I am
• as cool as the other side of the pillow
• well at least we got something out of the wreckage #QI
• industrial strength lesbianism #QI
• ugh, this having children thing never ends! #2andahalfmen
• O koek! Dis soos 'n ontploffing! It's a fabric malfunction! Die mense gaan fotos neem.
• oh I touched you. please don't sue me
• I know it's none of my business but I guess that's why I'm interested. #NurseJackie
• Nurse: um...kie-ran? Patient: It's Kieeer-an. It's Irish. Nurse: Aarr so it iiiis. Patient: Um, we're Irish, not pirates #NurseJackie
• It's Halloween, and I love you. That second part isn't supposed to be scary.
• have a happy birthday! If you can. What with all the violence and strife and pollution and petrol prices and beef hormones. But anyway -- oh wait! I forgot. Bee crisis.
• Are u sexually active? No, I pretty much just lie there #nursejackie
• what the hell is wrong with you? I don't know, I was bottle-fed as a baby - TwoAndAHalfMen
• when butterflies fall in love, what do they feel in their stomachs?
• wow that's a great super power that must come in handy never - New Adventures of Old Christine
• I stayed in the best 5star hotel in the world: my moms house - Ivo
• whats happening? She's imploding
• wow. Alota ppl act like their job is important but yours, like, really is!
• i coulda been a lot harder on him. He got off easy. And often. #parksandrecreation
• swing and a miss
• i got lost in your verbal maze
• I don't know the meaning of the word fear! (I'm sure there are lots of words u don't know the meaning of) #howtolosefriendsandalienatepeople
• why yes I did rock the nerdy glasses and braces look back in high school, thanx for remembering
• i like the people that I work with generally. With four exceptions #theoffice
• My taste in music is perfect and anyone who disagrees is wrong and probably smells weird
• The scuba instructor takes u to the pool first to practice & ur like: can I walk past all the hotel guests again please, I have some residual dignity left.
• Can u bully me next please? I have a cello lesson to get to.
• Is punching allowed on the high road? #parksandrecreation
• a bomb went off in my stomach and it had 2 outlets #GrahamNorton
• I love silence. I love awkward silence in a confined space with a stranger even more lol
• I can't believe this is happening! Ow! Oh sorry usually in this kinda situation a person says pinch me #parksandreasreation
• that is not a toy! Anythings a toy if u play with it
• hey, say you had a friend and this friend wanted to do something...and this friend is me #parksandrecreation
• because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink - Phoebe friends
• whats he like? You guys have seen *names movie* right? Yeah! Well he's like the guy who took me to see that movie - Phoebe
• you know what I like about this place? No mosquitoes (seinfeld)
• Cop: if I leave my post I create an opportunity for theft

Nurse Jackie: When do u eat? When do u pee? Cop: Classified

• Tom you were a boy scout right? No but I ate a brownie once - without a paddle
• slaving over a hot computer
• If he doesn't work anymore, why is he so tired? Because tired is in the word 'retired'
• hey do you have a first date outfit I can borrow? Like a pair of cargo pants or what about a sexy hat - parks&recreation
• i love being me, don't you?
• if this injection hurts, I can't be held responsible for any limbs that may slap u upside the face
• sinking deeper into the guacamole
• "It is far better to nourish worms than to live a life without love" rango
• Nowadays ppl put threats in their dress up party invitations. No entry if ur not gonna dress up. Everyone's going to do it. You'll ruin it. Don't b a wanker. waa waa waa
• I went on holiday to America and then when I got back I thought what was the f**king point?
• optimism: Hooowee, we gon' die in this here plane crash! Let's swop clothes, it'll look crazy in the wreckage!
• What's the best way to show someone how much u love them? Flowers? Chocolates? Pie chart? Yeah well done babe, that's a 20% increase on last year!
• worst excuse for not being racist: some of my best friends are black! You don't use that for other things do you: I'm not a murderer, some of my best friends are alive!
• He's always there when u don't need him
• I can't say "The Simpsons" without doing the sing-song voice
• Don't u miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot? 30rock
• hey hey what are u guys doing? Eating? Looove it
• The food that grows here is tough & tasteless. The people that grow here are even more so - How to train your dragon
• Jack, you would look so fierce in drag!
• #benderover
• Dont even talk about a rhinoceros unless you're close to a tree
• are your teeth like stars? They come out at night
• how are u honey? And I call u honey because you've got hives
• Be true to your teeth and they'll never be false to you
• The last time I got caught I got 1 year in jail & 2 yrs in the electric chair. Light high of my life
• Have your eyes been checked lately? No they've always been plain brown
• I'm just a teenage spinster
• your teeth are so long, sharp & protruding like a vampire's. Of course they are. I use them to make a point but anyway, welcome, come in, we could always use some new blood around the castle
• We get rat-arse drunk
• "Hello 911 emergency? There's a handsome guy in my house. Oh wait..." #JohnnyBravo #DoTheMonkey
• It's true. It's on Wikipedia. #facepalm
• show him what he's missing #BendAndSnap
• You speak very good French! Gracias. #MrBean
• You suck. You should fix that
• I noticed that you're gangsta. I'm pretty gangsta myself
• i see u shiver with antici.....pation (glee/rocky horror)
• It was a mutual break up. They both agreed to part ways... when he dumped her. - Killers
• word to your mother
• Rachel: I think that you and I are a little bit more similar than you may think

Kurt: That's a terrible thing to say (Glee)

• nailed it
• Oh wow. He has no game
• I love horses. From a distance. They make very good watercolour paintings. When they run against each other to see who's fastest I'm happy to watch it on television. But any closer... - Stephen fry
• someone said the word bloody and then the word Mary quite soon after it. Which I quite like the sound of - Stephen fry
• I had the best dream last night there were even credits at the end
• Irony(n.)- drawing trees on paper
• wow um. U do know u just said that out loud
• hello miss lady. I'm dale and I think I can help with the pan pang dilemma
• today I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon
• No thanx. I don't do drugs. I'll just sit here and monitor you for safety purposes.
• my boyfriend is like a trampoline. I don't have one
• dont make me bust out a nail file on u - kimora lee Simmons
• you have no new messages. again.
• it shouldn't be a competition but I just wanna mention that I did _... Your move
• treat your laughhole to Bridesmaids this weekend
• if ur laugh had a face I'd punch it - Scott Pilgrim
• Men are like farts. You can't trust them all
• stop scaring me, I'm not built for that.
• "we're so close we practically finish each other's..." "Sandwiches?" "No, I was gonna say sentences." "Oh um..." "Ah! U ate my sandwich?!"
• maaaary j blige.
• i'm impressed, that was quite a mouthful. But I guess ur used to that sort of thing
• Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle
• is that ur face or did ur neck just throw up?
• did the aliens forget to remove ur anal probe?
• someone had bitch flakes for breakfast
• you're just mad coz ur mom has a bigger Dick than u
• shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is
• youre a fail! So was your dad's condom and ur mom's abortion
• if I wanted to hear from an asshole I'd fart
• u suck! Ja and u swallow
• I'd slap u but I'm against animal cruelty
• people that say a-hole instead of asshole are total ass-h's.
• okay have a great thanks giving!

What?! I dunno I'm cold! - fired up

• stop it. Ur even depressing me. and I'm a virgo. - fired up
• i gotta get all my shots before winter (say what u want about drunk ppl)
• If you're not a doctor, why would you call yourself one? Um, why put off the inevitable?!
• No you can't! That's prohibidado... And I say that in Spanish because that's how exotic and un-allowed it is! - Fired Up
• Thats a joke. But it really happened.
• With the population crisis, some nations could do with legalising gay marriage.
• Indian is not a sexy accent. U wouldn't wanna fake it in a club. Hey baby, u wanting to dance? (Indian dance in come here motion shimmy)
• Smurfs: they've only got one woman, no wonder they're blue
• Really its no bother, what do u want for breakfast? Ok, 2 eggs. One boiled one fried
• nothing wrong with admitting ur white. Or pigmentally challenged
• i don't make the stereotypes I just see them
• Don't worry. She likes your butt and fancy hair. I read her diary. -Lilo
• panties = one of my least favourite words
• I hate documentaries. They're too preachy and you can't clap when someone dies coz its real - Cougar Town
• pajero (like the car) but in Spanish means wanker
• alright I did everyones first shot now u guys gotta do the second - grown ups
• I wanna get chocolate wasted (when u have a hankering for ice cream)
• Who is funding this research?!
• Cows don't get enough credit on that side of the world
• "love is not restricted to oestrogen" ie its not gay to show feelings
• valentines day "its not even a real holiday. If it were, the post office would b closed" - Nora Walker
• Dont look at me like that! I only kissed him once! It was on a dare! Okay I dared him. (cougar town)
• Such an enormous brain but much like when you're driving a car, there's always a blind spot
• "Boy sperm swim faster but don't live as long. Girl sperm do the bloody hoovering..." QI
• banana trees aren't in fact trees, they're herbs, distinguished by their non-woody stems. But they walk you know. I'm sorry? Banana "trees", they walk. Nurse, he's out of bed again
• oh come on I know what I'm talking abt. I've been down this road so many times they call it the Maxine expressway
• i asked the woman "when are you due?" But by the look on her face I guessed I was mistaken, she wasn't pregnant. Just fat. So quick as a flash I covered my tracks and finished my sentence "when are you due... for another snack?
• wife punches husband in face. husband: She's a genius coz before I turn back around she's already crying. So I ask what's wrong with u? She says "I can't believe u made me so angry that I had to punch you!" so I say: "Sorry"
• You're so gay u can't even drink straight
• Joey: the fridge broke so I had to eat everything
• "he's cute I swear! Let me find a better picture!"
• and what did I tell u about lying?! It only works on dad
• I don't watch much television. Of course u don't, it doesn't have a mirrored surface
• I'm a whore-able person
• A waist is a terrible thing to mind
• wooah somebody get me a glass. Coz I just found me. A tall drink. Of water
• Overall it just smells like the colour brown
• couldnt u have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog?
• lets kill him. That's ur solution to everything! Well can we just try it once?
• Nice shirt, is it yesterday already?
• step into my web
• suit up!
• phone five!
• should we attempt a high 5?
• brunch is just breakfast with more alcohol
• Some guy just gave me half a peace sign
• Be a minimalist. Its the least u can do
• has anyone else ever noticed how sexy mirrors look?
• If you stop while you're ahead, you get rear-ended.
• I try to play it cool with women by pretending not to notice when they're not noticing me.
• I never understood the full power of willpower until my grandfather threatened to cut people out of his.
• I wish my wife would let me show her who's boss around here.
• Q: How many hard-of-hearing people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Watt?
• we should hang out socially. I just got a ping pong table.
• in the wake of Osama's death, a number of conspiracy theories have arisen, resulting in president Obama becoming the first black man to have to try and prove that he killed someone
• i won't tell if u organise a fake ID for me

What? No! Ur too young to drink! Its so I can vote, dumb ass!

• i think I chipped my favourite tooth - princess & the frog
• whats steroids? Its something that makes ur peepee small. I think my mom uses that in the macaroni
• hey! What are u laughing at! He told me a joke