- I remember always being self destructive- there was a period of time when I was in school where I started doing drugs and that continued through my first year of med school where I finally kicked the habit
- I smoked constantly- it was a nasty habit but it helped me calm down. I also drank a lot, though I was careful never to drink so much that I wouldn’t be able to function the next morning
- David and I became good friends almost instantly, though I held him at a distance. I didn’t like people getting close, and while I acted friendly I never revealed anything about myself beyond surface details. I still loved him, but that was how I coped
- I don’t remember why I decided to try flatlining- honestly, I think it was just because it would be exciting. My attitude towards most of my life was “if I die, I die” and I didn’t consider any of the risks. I also never thought David would try to flatline, and was legitimately scared when he went under. Joking about letting him go longer was just my way of hiding the fact I was petrified we wouldn’t be able to bring him back
- In a weird way, prepping David for flatlining was romantic. It was an intimate moment and really forced me to acknowledge I felt more than friendship for him. Part of the reason why I lashed out so much at Rachel was because I was jealous of her and the way David fled to her when I became too much to handle
- I have some vague memories of the second time I flatlined, like almost screwing up the injection and the sense of finality the moment held- I was convinced I wouldn’t ever come back. After, everyone sort of tried to ignore what happened. Not entirely, but no one else had had the same consequences I’d had, so when they talked about it, it felt very watered down. I know I tried to kill myself later, going back to everything and trying to lead a completely normal life like the others did was too much for me
- David was the one who found me and took me to the hospital after the attempt, and was the one to take me home after my recovery- he let me wear his sweater on the ride home. I dropped out of med school after that
- David and Rachel’s relationship didn’t last that long, I know. Rachel began to maintain a distance again, though she was always closer to the four of us who’d been there than anyone else- I remember it was on good terms when they split, and they stayed close friends after
- I honestly don’t know if I ever told David how I felt- I think I did, but I don’t know how he reacted or if we ever began dating. I was kind of a mess after everything, but I did stop drinking. I just know I loved him more than anyone, and definitely would’ve died for him
nov 20 2018 ∞
nov 20 2018 +