• 01/21 i had a dream that i was staying in a hotel. my room happened to be very large - it was the size of a house, actually. there was a large and wide staircase leading up to the main bedroom. beneath that were dingy rooms, an entire floor devoted to mess and poorly made furniture. above that was a luxurious room, in which a large bed lied against a black headboard. i entered the room with only the goal of sleep. soon before i knew it, i was fast asleep in the dark, with only a dim light on. i awoke at somewhere between 1:58 am and 2:02 am, only to realize that i was supposed to meet moses at his apartment. i call him immediately. i tell him "hey, i'm sorry, i don't know what happened. the hotel here is nice." he says to me "ah, not really." i try to show him how nice the hotel is.
  • March sometime - I go to a party with Moses and its entirely pink and kind of like a trailer, like trailer trash college party. very quickly I learn its a college party. He nearly leans on a white girl with her back exposed. I feel sick, like oh God, feeling embarrassed and rejected. I leave the party and then, i have a dream that I slept with Conor after meeting him somewhere on Ludlow. He gave me a Fendi coat after. The place he wanted me to meet him was like a deep cave, it was kind of like Disney or something. In the dream I don't remember what we were doing but I had left feeling so good about myself
  • 4/12 Dream that P starts sending Moses nude photos of herself he doesn't tell me I wrote her a horrible message. Moses and I go to a dildo store, Disney world boat. Dream that I'm masturbating to videos of myself in my Florida bathroom on an old phone
  • 4/28 I smoked cigs in my dream. Hotel that was for rich people with really crazy hotel rooms. I had a studio at Division St. and slept with the guy there and had a much bigger apartment. You could only access it through a high security way. I was with Johnny I think. A new hat was in the dream
  • 5/? I had a dream last night that I had an IV in me. It accidentally got screwed off at the bottom and it formed a suction that pulled blood out of my arm in fast succession and it was super painful. I had no choice cause I couldn't fix it but to pull it out entirely and hold my arm up against itself to stop the blood flow
  • 5/6 I had a dream that Sabrina blonde girl from elementary school beat me up. Blown up log cabin. On Moses tour as kids. Lying down on Locketts chest till he came back carrying all this stuff in the rain all my belongings everywhere. I want Sabrina to get expelled. At the end an alien council I couldn't get it
  • 05/12 I had a dream that I was driving a car with Juliana and she kept telling me to speed up to avoid being chased by the cops but it was like a video game and I couldn’t understand the controls. The windshield was showing a third person POV. I ended up scraping the car badly on other cars because the detachable wheel was sitting on my left hip and I couldn’t move it in time. The wheel was on the left side. I was able to escape the cops because they were ready to shoot a man. I didn’t quite know why. When it got I thought to myself we better hide out in my family home in case something happens and they know we were speeding and the car is damaged. We drove into a ravine to a huge beautiful family house with many open windows. I was driving a beautiful red topless corvette thinking to myself I’m hot shit right into the house’s open floor. And mama was there and she greeted me and I looked around, having invited this girl into my house for the first time. I said we needed to close the doors/windows and she said the maids would do it. So then we walked through the house and I remember thinking it was very similar to her house. She and I were starting to fall asleep and I said Julii? Are you sleeping? We were in my NYC bedroom. She looked like Morgan this time. I said you can sleep on the thick yoga mat with some pillows. She tried to get comfortable. In the morning she was Julii again and I asked how long she’s in town and she said she was free until July and I was so excited. Thinking we can spend the whole summer together. I said ok well today we can go to Walmart and drop it off, get it fixed. Try to decide some like… food ideas we wanna make and go look at albums and books we’d never buy in Target while the car gets fixed. She was like “ok Kitty.” And in my dream I started thinking about how if I was dating Moses I’d be too jealous to have a friendship like this. And I thought to myself in the dream that this is what friendship could be like but its not, Juliana wasn’t like that.
  • 5/? I was at a convenience store w my family and a hearse showed up. It was raining and my sister and I decided to call an Uber... it was black and inside like several babies and one was dead and bleeding. I was like we're not going in there. And then my grandfather came out as the hearse drove away and he couldn't breathe and almost fell down. I gave him mouth to mouth and resuscitated him (in real life he had a stroke in my arms 5 years ago) and he was ok. My family was giving me shit for that and I was like so you guys just sat and watched? Ok. He passed away last June as you may know
  • 5/17 Dream that I was looking through Moses porn burner phone and getting really turned on thinking of all the ways he could be horny. He was fingering me and we were on the way to Miami with a group of people. I had stolen some jewelry and when I examined them they were really too small to pick up and put away
  • 5/18 Insane dream that Conor was a movie star and we fucked and he had a daughter that I had to take care of and I realized he was dead and not coming back. Bindings of a book containing porn. Uncle was mad at me and I was smoking a cigarette
  • 6/05 So I guess I was driving a car and I could see it on a screen (I couldn't really figure out how to drive it because it was a diagonal frame) it was a boxy truck like a white grand cherokee but boxier than that, even. I'm with Morgan and she's trying to calm me down but I keep crashing/drifting somewhat, like that last dream with Juliana... so I can't entirely reach the brakes. But when I look down they're tree stumps. I can't figure out what's the gas and what's the brake. Some point in the dream I'm in some kind of Mootix Drop game simulation, but its entirely different. i think at this point its just the concept of dropping down, fast. I jump down a black dark abyss and fall feeling absolutely protected loved and cared for. Mind you this is after working on my 3rd step questions, doing my first 3rd step for the first time since 2017.
  • 06/10 Dreamed that RT and I were talking again, I saw his wife and they divorced and I curtsied towards her and she was charming. I was in the UK, it was like a funeral though. I mean we were all dressed in black. I told everyone I'd be working out there, and I had no problem letting go of my obligations (school). Auntie was wearing my camera as an earring and I got angry, it offended me, I said it was too expensive for her to do that
  • 06/12 E lets me wear her clothes, and I notice that she gave me things that were meant to be returned. Pink/coral dress, like that clingy one I wore out with RK for lunch at Russ and Daughters so long ago. This dream was first and foremost about Papa. I was in the foyer of a home and looking around at books and artifacts on the wall in a bookcase. I couldn't see clearly, but he illuminated it with a flashlight and said to me "now you can see better" and I saw everything focus so clearly. In the dream he highly encouraged me to follow my impulse to make art, and he showed me an array of different ceramic sculptures that he made that looked more like my burgers. He showed me one in specific, a ceramic cactus.
  • 6/17 i was at a dinner with moses, it was a dinner with my whole family, my aunts and uncles. this white woman with red hair wearing what kind of looked like a super hero costume, she came out of nowhere and said some really mean shit. apparently her friend who was blonde, her name was terry. moses didn't really back me up but i did cry. i kept saying i hated them and i wanted them to die. i went to a beauty store with morgan and mommy and bought some watermelon hair spray
  • 6/18 had a dream that i was shopping for clothes and they were all so gorgeous. the shoes were really expensive. trying to remember we were at dior. i don't already own dior so can't know what its like but its all very similar to a dior piece i tried on once at angela's. jelly shoes cream colored with some stitching on it like a baseball they were $600. i told my sister how hannah from ithaca and i used to hook up. it wasn't true in real life it was kayla. but i told her we would grind on each other in the locker room
  • 6/20 deep nap dream that i biked the williamsburg bridge. it was a bit hard for me but i was doing it and felt more afraid of going downhill than uphill. i was in a store like kb toys, but it looked like a designer furniture showroom more so. there was the bike. it was beautiful and rainbow with odd italian shapes like bruno munari something like this with bells and pulleys. i realized i had test driven it, so i was worried about there being dirt on it cause i couldn't pay for it. that same place was transformed into my home somehow, and using some odd device i tried to call my mom for her birthday. there was a huge platter of delicious mexican food. then she disappeared and i couldn't find her. jordan was there. my mom's groupchat had stefany in it and i had to unblock her to figure out why she was contacting my mom
  • 6/21 i had this dream that its 2020 and i reenter choir to audition for the candlelight processional for my old director mr. rode. it was under a weird tarp where everyone was singing at once, and i thought damn i have to get out of here because i don't remember anything to sing. i tried hard but felt that i had failed so deeply. i missed so much school in my mind and thought to myself how could i miss out on so much and these just be my last days of school not focusing on it but probably sad about some guy instead (this happened in real life in high school too). i end up in a bizarre movie about women and everything is huge, like ginormous. all these women need each other. sirena kicks a girl down a slide with her legs to get more points, its something i don't understand. everything is pink like magenta. i end up escaping out of a massive escalade from the window by taking another woman's hand, there was a lot of them down there. and i wake up because i reach for sirena's hand to grab her and carry her down there with me too. my sister was all down there
  • 6/24 Catching A Large Fish i had a dream that a grey curly haired dog was following me, it was friendly and sweet and it needed me. mateus asks me to go to some weird island that he's shooting models on, and bring him a hard drive. i look at a map and i realize that the blue ocean gets bluer and deeper and almost black if i were to ride an uber out there, i imagined the uber in the dream in the sand, 2 feet into the water driving out there directly into the ocean. i am on the fence about his request, but he paypals me $500. i decide to do so, but i need to get on his roof, because i can't go on mine for some reason. i get my bag on and clothes on and get ready to go to his apartment to pick up the hard drive
  • 6/25 Most Important Library there were all these books in the mail for other people, not myself, but they were so captivating to me and i thought i would steal them for myself. there was a special book about mars and i read it sitting there in a house with bookcases and a wooden balcony. there was a large copy of bart simpson's guide to life there, too. i think i had sex with conor in this dream, but he was joey, the guy that my mom slept with when i was a kid, and then grey showed up and said that he was using my mom
  • 7/1 Small Big i was back in ithaca and using the same computer as cory in a huge room like a library, computer room with a window in the ceiling. his friend from that party was there too, tyler. things were being presented and people were laughing at me like i was too in love with him, because i kept paying attention to him instead of being focused and quiet, focused on my work. we used the same computer and there was a little window and a big window, side by side sharing the monitor
  • 7/3 Summer Begins i had a dream that conor was driving me on a beach, in a grey/green jeep wrangler and i was afraid but excited. he was driving right on the sand and using a small remote control to and fro and i was nervous. conor had lived with kayla and i was saying in front of joey i can't believe you live with conor (to kayla). i was following a model up some crazy ladder to get out of the train station and this cop lady was like "you can do it" even though i had to climb up the pole and didn't feel strong enough to do so, it was really scary to me and i kept thinking i was gonna fall and nobody was helping me. when we arrived to the top there was tinctures and elixirs to drink to connect us all more deeply and i might have bragged that i knew what was going on
  • 7/5 Red Shoes this was a nightmare that i woke up from taking a nap with joey. it did start out nice though, i was singing part of your world from the little mermaid to joey at the top of my lungs looking at a lyric video. my sister and brother were in a room that changed from a move theatre to my bedroom here in chinatown, my sister was hushed up with my brother talking about what happened with my mom's bf. i was wearing red shoes in the movie theater. when i arrived i was well aware they had talked about him and what happened without me. but i tried to be calm until i realized that the empty bedroom, my new computer was there, my brother had been using it for a week or so. i looked and saw that it was dirty and his hands had formed indentations in the mouse and i was so angry, i was so angry so mad, i started to try to yell at him. in real life i woke up coughing because i couldn't breathe and i was angry and trying to fight with my brother. it was easier for me to get mad at my brother for what happened than my sister, it was easier to get mad at my brother for ruining my computer, than it is in my waking life to get mad at them for what happened
  • 7/7 Dip i think my sister, mom and i, and her boyfriend, we're in hotels together, they're dark and i need to get dressed. i decide to jump into an indoor swimming pool thats conic at the bottom, in the middle, with a ladder in it. i think it won't be so deep, but it is and i go straight to the body so heavy and swiftly, but i am calm, its like stepping into my own skin. i am wearing all my clothes, my bag, with my phone and my wallet in there and i'm not worried about it at all, maybe i was worried for a moment and then it went away. i told my mom's bf i was too busy, morgan was in the pool too
jan 21 2020 ∞
jul 7 2020 +