It is enough to saddle up,

to promise myself I have already forgotten these kinds of decisions all along

serene without my witness

-

Not they know, no pushing buttons

no tired lines,

no missing my home

-

Instead I wished I could print you out

and put you down,

and wring you out. And burn your mouth

-

Good to be safe,

with the lions,

with the broken branches, the bedrooms,

A knowing own, a oneness, your promise, that you won't tell me.

And still no lie

Held your hand, somehow for the first and thousandth time

please, could I?

oh held me dark star,

felt me dark star,

dream me smaller and bigger so you can crush me or taste me its

what i think about 7

what you think about 6

what i say 6

what you say 5

what i know 4

what you know 3

what i want 2

what you want 1

something burns beneath me

I guess beneath me is an understanding

i will eat whatevers toys, trash, garbage,

that you or anyone else brings to me.

Fill my head up with pain until it explodes

if i hang out to dry here and become one with the scene

Do that proves i am in pain now?

what is enough?

I'm not sure God knows what to say to someone like me

Wooden so wooden steel so steel became of me,

hardened are the tears,

the tears of a child scorned

I touched me in myself through the mouth of God last summer

You were there sometimes and not at the important ones.

They came and went for the good time, the rainbows, the rain. I made a film, I released you from my memories

Is there a back drop now?

Is there a back drop now?

or another place to hide in front of the camera

from myself

see myself see myself this time i'm not alone

this time i'm more alone than ever before

Sanding down the walls,

Spackling up the holes. concentrate on the wrong things, so that you can see, how much I love you by yourself.

My sister and I, we used to listen to music together

I know that is love

She was there as much as any one I know,

She was here as much as any now I am,

But I was you in half.

There is always a complicated leaving with the others.

My tables are your tables

We are going to hire the sun, it turns

around around

Hold that glows hold that sees,

that after all, I was you in half.

burstttttt it

heirloom tomatoes rotting in the sun

the smell of some day i love,

how i can love her through you, and how i can love myself,

through no one at all

the smell of some how i love,

2015 2018 2019

i can remember 2012

You were not there, you will not come back with me. I cannot take refuge in the present.

I have lied and I have thanked you in the same sentence.

the long way home,

is the way i want to go.

i am not sorry

my head isn't so heavy as is the clocks, the papers, did you know that your vision gets worse when all you do is look, i guess i didn't and thought i was better than that

long lip paintings,

longing wet silence

there's listening to us

here's to us,

here's to you, especially, breathing properly is better all the time

than like me and the lungs i have

whats smaller than you and red?

don't allow me to speak in a recognizable language

i want to learn my own,

the one i grew up with,

do you too know the meanings of things you don't understand

and do you know why thats what i know, its our little secret

unable alone unable beside you,

Laughing Laughing Laughing

My steel legs

My steel heart

trapped in time, that solid morning

i learned about alone and there i was...

my little felt heart, for you, beating down on,

those like us.

We will be honest the few of us left standing

That nothing really does change

That nobody is capable

That I want the same as I have always wanted

without destroying myself or anyone else

All said,

Misshapen you love me

when you ask me how I am,

I think to myself, I am so good, I am going to be fine.

I have made friends with those who assume I am fine.

Thank you for asking me these questions.

when you make sure I am fed,

I think to myself, I am so full, I am not full of need.

I have been afraid to nourish myself.

Thank you for making these decisions.

when you listen to me talk,

I feel my feelings and walk into things, as you say, with my eyes open.

Thank you for making it safe enough to keep my eyes open.

Everything else,

I will wait.

In the corner of my eye

My truth

Peering at me cautiously, deciduously

Almost jealously.

Thanks God.

These insides are my outsides, the insides of me. I ate the whole peach, the orange, or whatever.

That was yours, that was mine.

I have been doing this for a long time

It has caught up with me, as you promised

me that it would indeed.

there is time to be leaving fast and fail safe

nobody has really gone there the way that you know i could

i have done it and felt addicted, not to its freedom and not to its safety,

not at all do i know what to feel in that place. i'm finding my nines

they are swimming and guiltless, dreamless, sleepless wrinkles of faith

where we are sleeping i find none, where i am alone i am blind in my comings and goings

weight

and speed and time,

loving me with the mouth of God.

dragging myself across every half minute, time does its thing and then

sometimes it doesn't, like i remember it all half worse or full worse,

screaming at me like a backwards portal

wow i'm so sick of

wow i'm so sick of

yeah it was bad then, it got so bad. i have to admit it and there's nobody i want to take there with me anymore, i didn't want to then, did you know that there's a choice where we can go

i've been going now it's pretty much just me here, it's quite nice and sometimes time doesn't do what it promised me like i remember it all the way it was the way it didn't have to be

i dreamed a terrible dream tonight i took someone with me an imaginary place worse in its own memory of itself

so messy, my house was different, my sister smoked clove cigarettes in the house, ...

• 01/21 i had a dream that i was staying in a hotel. my room happened to be very large - it was the size of a house, actually. there was a large and wide staircase leading up to the main bedroom. beneath that were dingy rooms, an entire floor devoted to mess and poorly made furniture. above that was a luxurious room, in which a large bed lied against a black headboard. i entered the room with only the goal of sleep. soon before i knew it, i was fast asleep in the dark, with only a dim light on. i awoke at somewhere between 1:58 am and 2:02 am, only to realize that i was supposed to meet moses at his apartment. i call him immediately. i tell him "hey, i'm sorry, i don't know what happened. the hotel here is nice." he says to me "ah, not really." i try to show him how nice the hotel is.
• March sometime - I go to a party with Mos...

rectification of a forgotten need like traveling into the only mouth that knows what words you do not say

nobody is protected from their desires

they wave their souls like sails, so i make messes to prove my separation from devotion

saturn like a closed door

can only hope to mimic openness

until one of his feet is out the door

i'm frozen on the other side

the sun shines in awkward portions

into dark spaces perfected by time and willingness

The perfections crack in oh so synchronized movements -

Days in a row of this chartable progress

My stained glass window, protected by the warmth

of the sun and the honest eyes of those who dare to peer in

No more pry

This time you trashed me trashed me

What is the point of my big brains you can use me for your gain and I have to think like a machine faster and faster and faster

Outpacing the computer

Outpacing the laws of life and love and not much else

I trashed me too I have a lot to talk about when I look backwards.

I see ice,

Hatred

Sorrow frozen

Trapped

When you spend your life creating armor

You find it impossible not to defend yourself

You find it impossible to do much else

please don't hate me now, because I have always been on your side,

The same way I have never known how to

Leave my very own side.

Seriously one more time please let me hold you

Talk to you so I can remember you

I want to remember things I never knew about you

I want to unveil myself as someone new to you,

Someone who can feel their feelings, someone who can feel yours

I am just a person like everyone else

That I remember

That I forget.

How many times do you have tell someone you are so stupid you are so stupid stupid stupid

Buy it for yourself

Go there by yourself

Nobody is going to walk you to the car, nobody is going to open the door. My doctor and my mom haven't really told me about this before.

the garden lies on the same path as the bicycle,

the dog sits in the waiting shade

waiting for her to do what she must do,

we walk by, we talk about ourselves

Our future, our past, this sandwich. Like every other day, in love.

Where am i now that

pumpkin patches and apple orchards, are harder, father

I have been waiting for this moment

I had 15 chances to time you on your walk

there were trees, broken concrete,

there were gas stations,

there you were,

there you are.

find you laying in the sun, laying in the sun

hold on too tight, to tighten

i won't do that

feel you flowing through my fingers,

all the time now its a lot better than

wondering why its wet,

why its flowing

why its flowing through my fingers

what you think is best

what do we have on the wall

i love space and taking my self to a new place

then the time we got mad at each other. you bought me two birds. i had two. i thought, i already have two. what am i going to do with two more birds?

you thought i could love them. you didn’t know i didn’t love the two birds i already had

i was mad because i didn’t want more. i didn’t need more. then we gave them all away and i didn’t have to worry about them anymore.

and the house

was silent and you

silent

then forgave me for not loving

so i never pretend

so i never lie

it makes me love more.

thankyou