But forgot love knows no shame greater than loneliness

I disobeyed my armor

and only hope between the years

you learn the language of your beauty

oct 7 2013 ∞
jan 28 2019 +

‏ما كان مقدرا لك سيأتيك ولو كان بين جبلين

What is meant for you, will reach you even if it is beneath two mountains.

وما لم يكن مقدرا لك لن يأتيك ولو كان بين شفتيك

And what isn’t meant for you, won’t reach you even if it is between your two lips.

Maybe he can only say what he feels with his body,

or maybe I can't be reached any other way.

-

January 10, 2016

I always loved the egg I could praise before it could crack

February 3, 2016

Talking about my dead baby with my new crush

oct 12 2015 ∞
jan 28 2019 +

6/25

My vision charred with your misbehaving

fractures the size of thick lines of charcoal

I can erase whatever the hell you do.

dust settles

I can erase whatever the hell I want.

its your destiny to count the cracks

and mine to make them obey me

-

no one ever taught you

how to cut paper hearts

and feel them beating in your palm

momma could have made paper obsolete

daddy could have seen three dimensions

of bruises

the glue scares you because it solves you

-

jun 26 2014 ∞
jan 28 2019 +

I wish we we were rich, but then we would not be who we are, and we may have never found one another.

-

Everything that I do must be shown somehow. The lesson is sometimes to believe and there will not be any signs.

-

My life, cavernous, used to marvel at me and I at it. Now I just drown through what I cannot see coming.

-

aug 27 2018 ∞
jan 28 2019 +

he thinks your flossing abilities are below average and he can't find you in a crowd of tardy women

with your play doh hair

with your kindergarten hands

another controversy for the pope

your womb grows with his disinterest

"we did it!" you say with a toothy, dimpled smile. a little butt chin never did you any good. you reek of crayons, he says, smirks and your womb grows wider

we try to carry me to bed but the pews are dusty and the students are skipping class

and he tells you in a solid lullaby that he thinks flossing is for the teeth

we're pregnant for life

dec 6 2012 ∞
jan 22 2019 +
  • a shooting star with golden doors that light up when you touch them -- always escaping yet always there
  • a slow tortoise made out of clouds -- sometimes pocket sized, sometimes as big as the sky
  • a large buoyant laugh bellowing stronger and stronger until it freezes time, turning into a deep bass
feb 28 2018 ∞
jan 15 2019 +
  • 7/31 10:41 pm in dream. zack eating me out but not touching me quite yet. me saying wait hold on i have work tomorrow..no, i just fell asleep this doesn't make sense
  • 8/10 chasing blue cards but cant find all. tarot reading. store changing. big door. turning thai clothes to gold. men fucking each other. we wanting mark wahlberg
  • 8/26 dream about spirits, headless twin ghouls. six feet under haunted images of cars and planes out of control being stopped with psychic interference from small children. juliana saying goodbye to me as she goes to work. so taciturn
  • 8/30 dimly lit hotel lobby. on phone with auntie marilou. walking around eating
  • 8/31 had a dream about kim kardashian
  • 9/4 terrifying dream mike lieberman fucks me in the garage. cums all over my shirt and shows me off to some people. try to ...
mar 2 2018 ∞
mar 2 2018 +

rectification of a forgotten need like traveling into the only mouth that knows what words you do not say

nobody is protected from their desires

they wave their souls like sails, so i make messes to prove my separation from devotion

saturn like a closed door

can only hope to mimic openness

until one of his feet is out the door

i'm frozen on the other side

aug 20 2014 ∞
jan 28 2019 +

there is no one home

with this in hand i'll be meeting him again soon and i only hope that the loneliness is restored and replenished more evidently, so i can carry a little knowing inside my chest and not have to search the room for someone when no one is there. i suppose this is the kind of faith people describe when they're in love but i've always been suffocated by a hand at the small of my back, so comfortably. the hand assumes i am the one needing, but his need to provide is of more primal distinction and the infancy of men leave me knocking door to door. it is my birth that produced this nowhere girl who refuses the home that is presented to her

whatever neptune offers, will be uplifted, left alone to provide channels and bleed new colors. it will go wherever it wants. now i worry about saturn - so much like me and yet i readily reject him. there'...

jun 28 2013 ∞
jan 28 2019 +

one day i'll be strangled with my own words

i wonder how it feels to be convinced

aug 6 2012 ∞
jan 22 2019 +

Psyche of my dream man:

if he gives me what i want, i’ll know he doesn’t know me

i’ve seen his face and he doesn’t even know what he wants

3/23

I've waited forever but I did not know I was waiting

3/29 remember that a touch from any direction is felt on both ends

4-8-13

self interest is often disguised as self loathing

4-14-13

it would lose its beauty

I dream that pain gives more than it can get

and that the face of a solid person melts

mar 17 2013 ∞
jan 22 2019 +
  • 1/23 dream that i frantically went through closet looking for more clothes the closet home in florida. and kept finding a wallet with ludwig's name and face on it.
  • 1/25 dreaming that i was moving in somewhere i couldn't sleep on the bed. black guy who was sexually aggressive with me was the landlord. it was like an eerie child mexican bed on the floor. only paying $300 for it. masturbating to his vulgar sex videos
  • 2/1 i had a dream i was in a room with dangerous people threatening me with knives. i finally got ahold of a knife and did the same to them. i seemed to be in another country
  • 2/3 dream about being related to the beatles. looking for bathroom i woke up. being totally with family. editing a porn star's essay about experiencing life sexually but having many opportunities and lovin...
jan 27 2018 ∞
jan 15 2019 +

3/5

you make a mistake tonight

I have a light beer to apologize for you

sometimes I think a child

should know better

did you think I knew the door was locked?

rattle rattle

I do it again

rattle rattle

should know better

--

born a lover

has look of

has like of

death a demon

try a wife

--

i'm supposed to know how to write but am too violent to make use of words. there is no language for loss, and loss is almost insignificant when it is communicated. ...

mar 24 2014 ∞
jan 28 2019 +

it's here again and uglier. i think its disjointed body matches its dry and cystic face i don't want to take my medicine

nobody can fix

a body that isn't there

i have to take my medicine now

a whole new animal

a deserted knife waiting for the right warrior to start a thousand wars

already tired from the bloodshed and the muscle he uses to prove himself, to prove the knife's interest

trusted-and-made-in-china

"occasionally, babies are born with ambiguous genitalia"

oct 6 2012 ∞
jan 28 2019 +

The secret is that I've known me all along

the same tone of loneliness meets me every so often, festers itself into dreams of abandonment and begging others for reasons why they have left me or why they have forgotten me on terrible evenings i feel as if the same person has been growing in fear, he sleeps inside me and knocks on the flesh canvas behind my eyelids when he thinks i've forgotten him

i feel a constant nowhere, a constant dripping, like pieces of myself are sucked up into a vacuum and i stare at the vacuum in awe. please, remove me from myself - make me a ghost. outside of health, precision, boundaries, exactitude, servitude, there is a silent world of violent communication and i don't think i am fit

my fear of being forgotten and left alone is also my greatest desire, as it seems most fitting and the fear is just a cloak...

jul 1 2013 ∞
jan 28 2019 +

eleven nights

break me in half

take the bigger piece

what monsters I created were always waiting to be born

aug 25 2012 ∞
jan 22 2019 +

november 3

  • dream that i asked someone who was preying on me in a car to meet me in a public bathroom. it is private, we close the door and he lifts me up and i know someone else is trying to get in. i asked him to finger me. torin saves me and is running down allen street as fast as possible carrying me in his arms. we end up looking at food in a carnival style container, and i'm looking at some bad arby's food...

november 24

  • dream where i was in a bamboo wooden styled resort and i had a chance to change my life forever with one wish. there were two lines of people, waiting. a man had wished for super strength and had tested it by checking to see if he could lift a door. he opens the door and pulls the whole thing off. my wish was to become beautif...
jan 15 2019 ∞
jan 24 2019 +

the drug addict brain is always looking for the next resentment to hold close to itself. it will look for this resentment to justify why it feels wronged, why it wants you to cave. this consistent and constant victimization of oneself looks for nothing but trouble from others and in the absence of trouble will provoke it in order to feel terminally unique.

unequipped to handle life the addict will continuously create in their mind a long, winding, never-ending narrative that always postures themselves as the victims of others’ wrongdoing. the inability to handle life makes them equally unable to perceive life as it actually is. only a higher power can step in and intervene with the tendrils of self-victimization that seem to so fully “support” the addict’s thinking.

without the tools of living life the addict fails to live in reality and takes to ...

jan 30 2018 ∞
jan 30 2018 +