• Firstly, I want to be stuffed and mounted.
  • I wish to be dressed as Han Solo and placed in his firing 'pose'(even fair-weather Star Wars fans should know what that looks like).
  • I would like my carcass to be wheeled down the Church aisle and placed behind the Priest on a spotlit stand.
  • 'Theme From Shaft' must be my entry music. However, I want my name overdubbed badly over Shaft's with as little emotion in the voice as possible.
  • Those seated to the left of the altar must be dressed entirely in blood red.
  • Those to the right in white suits with black shirts and white ties for the men and, for the women, white dresses with black polka dots.
  • One attendee, who for the moment will remain unnamed, will be instructed to arrive late so that they drag proceedings to a halt by banging on the biggest window they can find from the outside and shout "JONNY, JONNY!!!!" like in that there film with that there Dustin Hoffman.
  • Another - entirely different mourner, who needless to say will go unnamed, will be charged with the task of wrestling my corpse to the ground where they will roll with me in their arms over and over saying 'He should have been mine/I would have carried his seed!!!"
  • Following the service I wish to be placed in the lounge of my widow's, or, even better, my children's gaff. The spot I have chosen is directly behind or, more preferably, on top of the television set.
jul 24 2006 ∞
jul 24 2006 +