• His nose. The ugly bastard.

• Families - Fair enough its nice to know should you need somebody that there will always be a bunch of people you can turn to but should you have to pay for this boon by being obliged to attend every single bastard semi-significant day in their lives?
• John Lennon - Yeah, get fucked the Beatles were good - no-one's arguing that but the solo years? I'd rather listen to a cat getting skull fucked in the earhole than 'Whatever Gets You Through The Night' again. Jesus Christ he ain't.
• Free Speech - Some dickheads don't deserve the right to breath let alone waste valuable air articulating whatever borderline retard thoughts are rattling through their brains. See almost any politcal party, social or political commentator on T.V or critic - SPECIFICALLY the simple irish twat on Newsnight review who dresses lik...

• Firstly, I want to be stuffed and mounted.
• I wish to be dressed as Han Solo and placed in his firing 'pose'(even fair-weather Star Wars fans should know what that looks like).
• I would like my carcass to be wheeled down the Church aisle and placed behind the Priest on a spotlit stand.
• 'Theme From Shaft' must be my entry music. However, I want my name overdubbed badly over Shaft's with as little emotion in the voice as possible.
• Those seated to the left of the altar must be dressed entirely in blood red.
• Those to the right in white suits with black shirts and white ties for the men and, for the women, white dresses with black polka dots.
• One attendee, who for the moment will remain unnamed, will be instructed to arrive...

• 'Yes' by McAlmont & Butler

The only good thing they ever did and the only thing Bernard's done since Suede that's been any good. But it is a fucking belter, hooks you from the very first second when Butters hits that low, wobbling, G and doesn't let go. Bet it sounded crap live though...

• 'St.Augustine' by Band Of Horses

Sounds like a wet day in the mountains spent in a log cabin with the sun out. That. Good.

• 'La Quete' by Jacques Brel

Brilliant, bitter and cynical voice, suavest motherfucker who's ever lived and he was from Belgium. I could pick almost anything by the boy Brel because, to be honest, I haven't a fucking clue what he's singing about but the delivery and the musi...