- 3/30/22 : fun day, I got to work with my sworn enemy. ah not actually. I don't have any sworn enemies haha.
- 3/31/22 : people were throwing colors and water around. I obviously joined in ;p
- 4/1/22 : pretty underwhelming April fools day. Applied for a debate officer position. I'm so quirky guys.
- 4/2/22 : went bowling and won. ego boost. I discovered my set it off addiction. staying up until twelve for zaina's burthday.
- 4/3/22 : tbh todays always uneventful. year after year. its kind of a shame but its not like I can do much about it. im being forced to go out to eat for my birthday (literally 2 weeks ago). ik saying this is selfish, but i really hate it.
- 4/4/22 : After school was significantly funner than anything else that happened today. I talked with someone for like 40 minutes than went home. isn't that just so entertaining?
- 4/5/22 : writing fsa haha my favorite. definitely the easiest of the bunch sure. still stressed about having to write 4 speeches but i'll get it done. hopefully.
- 4/6/22 : after school was fun i got an awesome very loud high five and I engaged someone in balanced combat.
- 4/7/22 : debate tourney!!! it was pretty fun and we did pretty good :)
- 4/8/22 : finally went back to my elementary school after multiple weeks! it was great i got to hang out a little and played chess. and then after i went to the movies to see a really dumb and funny movie (*ahem* sonic 2) debate tourney tomorrow 0_0 (btw i got my 4 speeches done woohoooo!!!)
- 4/9/22 : (novice states day 1) figured out bye rounds are really boring (i got one) and i lost every other round so that's just wonderful. but my second round was great. all of them were pretty close so i'm not gonna complain too much. I got some experience.
- 4/10/22 : (novice states day 2) a lot more fun than i was expecting. Being with people is a lot more fun than not. i love being around people. just not a huge crowd or party, y'know? after everyone left it did get a little boring though but i shouldn't be too surprised at that.
- 4/11/22 : i'm soooooo tired like realllyyy tireed. The A.C. wasn't working this morning and I was wearing a sweater so you can probably guess how that went. My flashlight on my laniard is gone now. i have no idea where it went. i guess this is a sign that i’ve finally gotten over it. i suppose i have no need for it anymore and i don’t have to worry about them anymore either. i’m glad. truly. thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for everything.
- 4/12/22 : Our class lost walking privileges in LA. Well not my fault so whatevs. Nothing really other than that. My friend is going to Vegas. HAHA good luck that place is a hellhole.
- 4/13/22 : i made a good poem guys. someone said it was good and they do poems so its from a reliable source. therefore, i am a poet.
- 4/14/22 : omg guys tea and crafts. SOMEBODY SKIPPED :00000 like imagine doing that couldn't be me (i definitely didn't skip 2 meetings before this) uh other than that I had a long boring bio test today so that was fun. My teacher said i should be a thespian. I'd be a good theatre kid? Aw helll nah 6th grade was enough for me.
- 4/15/22 : woke up at 8 am. great. i had to clean my room. dw tho i listened to road less taken on loop so it wasn't bad. idk why but listening to that specific song makes me kinda....enjoy cleaning?
- 4/16/22 : yay! I called someone today! I'm so happy about this! Too bad I got cut short but well what can I do? being scared of calling people really sucks so here's hoping i can get over it. I literally stood there for like a solid minute or two trying to get myself to ask lmao. I literally looked away the moment i actually did.
- 4/17/22 : I did pretty good in tennis today. Yeah that's basically it.
- 4/18/22 : Alright! Gold days are great! I basically played smash the entire time in study hall haha. Playing with one joycon kinda sucks though.
- 4/19/22 : Campaigning for debate starts today! Here's hoping it goes well. Well today it didn't too much. I mean basically my entire class was cheering me on but not thinking too highly of me. Sucks I guess but what am I gonna do about it? Anyways I was messing around after school and I may have fallen and hurt my wrist a lot :0. Yeah I wrapped it cuz I can barely move it without it hurting but I'll get over it.
- 4/20/22 : GUYS ITS THE DAY. TBH THIS DAY WAS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. That's a huge compliment btw. There are not many days as good as this one so far. I really don't know why this random ass day was sooooo good. But yeah every class was great, after school was great, and even my last day of church class, the class I'm not exactly too fond of, was GREAT. It's awesome really, and my second day of campaigning also went great. I got people to laugh :)
- 4/21/22 : A pretty good day. obviously not as good as yesterday but still good. I got to chill in debate for technically 3 hours and a half and I’m not complaining about that. Biology wasn’t as bad as i thought it was gonna be. Also, I met a junior today. They seem really cool :0. Today’s my last day of campaigning. I’m not too confident but I hope I can win. I really hope everyone’s doing okay today :). If anything’s going on, don’t lose to it. I believe in you all, so I really hope that if you’re not doing okay, you can get over it and feel better the next day. Thanks everyone for a..somewhat interesting campaign.
- 4/22/22 : Liberty dayyyy. We kinda just messed around the whole day and it was a blast. I sat in front of a classroom for like 20 minutes. It was great.
- 4/23/22 : went shopping the whole day. not fun :/
- 4/24/22 : confirmation day. spent the whole day being accepted by the lord or something. cool.
- 4/25/22 : ...well its this day. um it was good I think I finally made friends with the people exclusively in comp sci.
- 4/26/22 : SOMEONE cut open their backpack. HMMM HOW DID THAT END UP? NOT GOOD, YOU CAN PROBABLY ASSUME. my unicorn pencil cap got messed up and it lost its horn :(.Still a fun day though.
- 4/27/22 : poetry club. we ate ice cream. cool. yeah. that happened. I GOT MY UNICORN HORN BACK :DDDD
- 4/28/22 : I LOSTTTTT THE ELECTIONNNNNNNNN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this will have a major impact on the global economy. I'm pretty bummed but at least the ceremony wasn't too bad. Tea and Crafts after school was the last meeting of the year and it was pretty fun. I manifested my big chicken to life as a clay figure.
- 4/29/22 : i helped people with math. yep. that's basically it. i could not sleep last night and now im really tired. this is all because i accidentally took a nap. im really good at wikipedia races apparently.
- 4/30/22 : Day 1 of AP Human studying. Literally most of the day was just me studying. Basically did nothing else. It wasn't really that bad though. Study groups really do make everything better.
- 5/1/22 : Day 2 of Ap Human studying. I studied the whole day. literally. from 9:20 am to 9:20 pm. 12 hours. It was pretty fun actually. Study groups are much more fun. There’s no way i could handle that if it was just me.
- 5/2/22 : Day 3 of AP Human Studying. I swear this day didn't happen. No fr. Like what even happened today?
- 5/3/22 : Day 4 of AP Human Studying. pong guys. pong. I love pong. Pong is my favorite game. Pong. Who wants to play pong? Guys pong. Pong. My favorite bonding experience. Pong. I love pong. I think I'm starting to go insane :)))))
- 5/4/22 : Day 5 of AP Human Studying. May the 4th be with you. Did 3 FRQs in like 50 minutes. That's pretty cool. Did it in study hall and it was something. I shooooould theoretically be fine in that field. Going over vocabulary. Dunno why I waited so long for this. Played many different types of Wordle today :000 cool ig
- 5/5/22 : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AP HUMAN EXAM. NOT TOO STRESSED I THINK MAYBE. ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. it was so free ngl. Like it was actually easy. Surprisingly easy. Frqs were all really understandable and i finished really early. MCQs were not too bad and I understood most of them. Honestly i'm pretty proud of myself. HUGE EGO BOOST :))))))))))) [IM REALLY TIRED THO AND I DUNNO IF IM STABLE MENTALLY OR NOT RIGHT NOW HOPING IM FEELING BETTER TOMORROW]
- 5/6/22 : Hung out and updated computers most of the day :] Sorta mapped out my next few school years and what to study for. Basically, science is the top priority and history is next highest. The rest are kinda lower priority besides AP Calc maybe . It depends how hard I find AP Calc.
- 5/7/22 : I GOT A WATCH (ERI APPROVED)
- 5/8/22 : I ATE OUT
- 5/9/22 : kinda boring day generally but after school was fun. I kinda dug my own grave in the morning by misspeaking. Well i thought i did but turns out that wasn't the case. It seems that i'm worrying a little too much about these things. The thought of digging my own grave in that scenario kinda made study hall miserable. But it turned out okay in the end and I was basically thinking too much. I'm glad :)
- 5/10/22 : omg honey bun crisis :00000 frfr. uh i really just wanna get this debate thing over with already but THEY KEEP DELAYING ME LIKE PLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. yuh. so like. Smelly Chihuahua. IT DEFINITELY SAYS THAT GUYS. trust.
- 5/11/22 : GUYS I HELPED SOMEONE WOO :)). FOR REAL. got yelled at by my teacher guys :ppp dont worry about the details. uh i made a new poem guys they said it was good but i beg to differ especially since i made it in 5 minutes...
- 5/12/22 : fun day. lets break it down. debate was something. I kinda beat someone in a debate round really badly and kinda feel bad about it :///. OTHER THAN THAT... ;-;, I attempted to make my final friend of the year. I set up everything perfectly so they can decipher my identity themselves. The person im referring to is the avid book reader that I have great conversations with, Md. SOOO IM TRYING :))) IT WENT DECENTLY TODAY BUT SOMEONE CUT ME SHORT. Though i'm not complaining about that it was really fun after that. Went the long way to the final comp sci club meeting of the year and had fun roaming the hallways with my friend. Top 3 after school days fr :0 (ONLY FOR THIS YEAR OFC CUZ 6th grade better)
- 5/13/22 : interesting day. beat someone in chess without having to get rid of all their pieces first. kinda proud of myself for that honestly. other than that, i hurt my arm and helping at the elementary school was pretty good and eventful today. helped the pre-k kids for a few minutes. Interestingly enough, my plan involving Md went without a hitch, unlike most of my plans. So let's see where this leads. I'm quite curious myself, truly.
- 5/16/22 : Bestie day was funzies. rest of the day, still funzies but not as much funzies. I should get a new plushie.
- 5/17/22 : got sleep and now my neck hurts. This day is gonna be great. Biology songs are hilarious. Debate was fun despite the fact we did nothing. Probably one of the only 3 classes that doing nothing is actually a good thing. The other two being Ap Human and Comp Sci.
- 5/18/22 : BIO EOC :(((. VERY BORING TEST. HOLY CRAP. I LITERALLY COULDN'T STAY AWAKE. I THINK I DID FINE BUT IT WAS SOOOOOOOOO EXHAUSTING. alsoooo I GOT MY YEARBOOK WOOHOO!!! and and and and and guess what...I GOT HONEY NUT CHERRIOS IN AN IKEA BAG. ISNT THAT AWESOME??? IM GONNA SPEND THE NEXT MONTH EATING IT LITTLE BY LITTLE. I'LL GET TO THE END EVENTUALLY.
- 5/19/22 : decent day. kinda boring until debate but that's basically every blue day so I can't really complain. Kinda bummed i couldn't stay after school, but I had a doctor's appointment so whatevs ig. Uh yeah actually pretty good day other than that though :) Drew bold and bash and helped someone else draw. Gained some confidence in my artistic expertise i guess??
- 5/20/22 : taking calls and being secretary is a major pain. but it wasn't all bad. friends really do make everything better :D
- 5/22/22 : taking a break on tennis or maybe just quitting it altogether. it seems any sport I do cannot remain forever. sucks, i guess. i'm just kinda bored, you know?
- 5/23/22 : underclassmen awards and I DIDNT GET ONE. WHYYYYYYYYYY I TRIED SO HARD. ANYWAY. I messed around a little I guess. UH. SOMEONE MEMORIZED MY NUMBER. OOH OOH SO SCARY :0000
- 5/24/22 : Debate day, automatically good. Got a yearbook signature. Target acquired :]]. Helped someone with math after school. I'm glad I can be helpful to people :D. NOO IM RUNNING OUT OF DEBATE DAYS. ONLY 3 LEFT NOOOOOO :(((
- 5/25/22 : Messed around with card playing today. Trying to be good at shuffling. Failing not too miserably but still failing. I played explosive cats or something. Anything with them is automatically fun so it was great ofc :D. Ended up going from that to cricket somehow. I missed the ball all the times ofc but my catching was on point. Also, I'm making an app to educate people on tables. The history, and the modern times.
- 5/26/22 : Watched how to train a dragon 2 in bio today. Fun woo :0. Debate was great, as always. Played waterboy and lavagirl. I mean fireboy and watergirl, sorry. It was great. My friend got cats and soup :000. Twinning :))). Ended up making a nelward playlist. She didn't seem to be too fond of it. It's okay though :]. It was a fun day all and all. I have an appointment next Wednesday during debate so this is my last complete class of debate noooooooo :(((. I'm really gonna miss this class. I'm gonna have it next year but its definitely not gonna be the same. I wonder how it's gonna be then. Hmm.
- 5/27/22 : ayyy fun day. im gonna miss volunteering on fridays for a bit. its so fun so im gonna miss being with my friendo :). Oh well, there's one week left so hopefully I can enjoy it to the fullest. ALSO. GUYS. I MIGHT BE ABLE TO RESCHEDULE MY APPOINTMENT NEXT WEDNESDAY :DDDD. LETS HOPE SO.
- 5/28/22 : A day dedicated to finishing my re-watch of future diary. In a way it's the first time I'm officially watching it, with the openings and such. I watched it on YouTube the first time around hahaha. Anyway, I finished it. It's a fun experience. Yeah. "I just wanted someone to save me".
- 5/31/22 : gotta get some cards. These cards I have are way too hard to shuffle. Also I'd like to learn how to play Tunk. Hopefully I can by Thursday. Finished my app with information on tables. Funny. ALSO GUESS WHAT I HAVE GOOD NEWS. FIRST, I RESCHEDULED THE APPOINTMENT WOOHOO. SECOND, I FINISHED THE CHERRIOS BAG. WOOOOO IM SO ACCOMPLISHED IN LIFE RN. anyways...
- 6/1/22 : June. It's June. How sorrowful. It's the last day of debate with them. I really will miss this class. So much so. However, that is irrelevant. ANYWAY I LEARNED CPR IN BIO. IDK. UM. UM. YEAH. I PLAYED MY TACO CAT GOAT CHEESE PIZZA GAME WITH PEOPLE AND IT WAS PRETTY FUN. AND AND AND I GOT MY DECK OF CARDS FOR TOMORROW AND I LEARNED HOW TO PLAY TUNK WOOHOO.
- 6/2/22 : LAST DAY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. AP HUMAN WAS GREAT I FOUND OUT I HAVE VERY LITTLE TICKLE SPOTS I GUESS. DOES IT MATTER? NOT REALLY. I PLAYED TUNK IN STUDY HALL. it was pretty good i won a bunch. There was something that came up about AP Chem today and it's kinda annoying to try to get myself on the roster the week before school ends but i'm gonna try my hardest. WELL ANYWAYS I JUST BASICALLY GOT TO TALK TO A LOT OF PEOPLE TODAY AND IT WAS GREAT. it was...a worthwhile experience today. I'm glad. I didn't feel as if I wasted a minute of time, which is pretty rare, actually. Well then, finals week is coming up but before that...Friday.
- 6/3/22 : great day. last day of rainy day fridays with friends. I messed with bestie but not really the entire day and it was a blast. She's the best. I hope we can be great friends for a while. I made a promise with her to bother her on thursday. I can't wait :)
- 6/6/22 : hm. hm. hm. hm. hm. last week of school. trying to get the ap chem situation under control. seems to be going well. there's not really too much I can do at this point, i'm leaving it to the teacher i suppose.
- 6/7/22 : Reading day tuesdays starring the ap chemistry book. I have no idea what this content is or what i'm doing. I'm gonna have some fun this summer :D
- 6/8/22 : today was fun. First, I confirmed that I am in AP Chemistry so I finally got that settled. after that, i kinda stayed a bit later than i should've but i was helping someone with guidance counselor stuff so cut me some slack. it ended up being pretty fun so whatevs and we got what we came for. This'll likely be the last time I see him before he moves, what a shame. Well, it was fun while it lasted.
- 6/9/22 : Last day of school. I will admit, it was an absolute disaster. I kinda dug my own grave by attempting to constructively criticize people in order to help them but in a manner that came off as very rude. ofc tho i didn't realize that until I had already done it. that's just the way it is...but other than that I played the most tiring chess game I have ever played and ofc I ended up losing (woo) but I won the game before so its even I guess. Other than that, the promise I made with bestie but not really has went unfulfilled. It seems she forgot about it. Figures I guess. To make up for it though I basically bothered her the whole day through text. Not as satisfying but still fun nonetheless. Well then, time to stress over summer. Apparently JROTC kids have a Washington D.C. trip in a week. Hope that turns out fun for them.
- 6/12/22 : Physical activity :0. Went to the gym for the first time. Was pretty fun, actually. Well the only reason that is is cuz I was with someone else. Then I went to the pool. Got 5 and a half hours of my 7 hours for my HOPE online class. I'll get the rest tomorrow, through biking :0. (I dont know how to ride a bike)
- 6/13/22 : I learned how to ride a bike. Well not really, I can kinda just move straight and end up crashing every once in a while. But hey I got all the fundamentals down. I can't turn though, so not really. ( I learned how to turn 2 days later fyi :D )
- 6/30/22 : Now begins my grand plan.
- 7/1/22 : I was considering going about making a club. Still not sure if it's gonna work, but I'm gonna try and make a club where people can enjoy themselves and commit to diverse and random activities. I dunno if they'd let me though :/.
- 7/2/22 : I say grand plan and all, but I'm still not sure completely how I'm gonna go about it. At my prototype stage, most of it is based on my luck, which isn't exactly foolproof.
- 7/4/22 : A rather bland July 4th, but It's still something I can appreciate. I got to go to one of my favorite places in this bland city. Fireworks aren't something that amazes me, but after today I can admit, they certainly are beautiful. Very beautiful. The thing that does amaze me is stars. It's always been a dream of mine to go stargazing with friends. Although, I'm not quite sure if I'll ever be able to bring that dream to fruition. Not in this state, atleast.
- 7/5/22 : BOOYAH I GOT A 5 ON THE APHG EXAM THATS WHAT I LIVE FOR WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO.
- 7/6/22 : talking is fun :D
- 7/7/22 : The Peltzman effect is defined as a theory which states that people are more likely to engage in risky behavior when security measures have been mandated. Kinda like a reverse psychology kinda thing. Hmm.
- 7/9/22 : I listened to the entire shin megami tensei iv soundtrack. it reminded me why it's my favorite game of all time. other than that i finished my book, "Looking for Alaska". John Green certainly didn't disappoint. It was quite a good book. Thomas Edison's last words were: "It's very beautiful over there." I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.
- 7/10/22 : I watched thor love is thunder. it was basically dr strange multiverse of madness but again. yeah. also misery business.
- 7/14/22 : YESSS I FINISHED MY CHEM BOOK IM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. AND I FINISHED SUMMER READING. I'M EXTRA HAPPY. WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
- 7/17/22 : finished portal. good game. its short. took me 3 hours. 1 more year till i can work at hot topic.
- 8/16/22 : first day of school :D I GOT A HIGH FIVE FROM MY BESTIE BUT NOT REALLY IM SO HAPPY I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS HAPPY SINCE APRIL.
- 8/17/22 : i got the thing about diatomic molar mass right and september was wrong woohoo im happy i won, thats all really. ap world seems fun.
- 8/18/22 : seminar became 46% more boring now. friends switching out sucks but oh well. It seems I have something I need to settle, how exactly shall I go about this?
- 9/3/22: I settled it btw. Alsoooo Costa Rica day 1: My observations so far are as follows: They dont seem to rely on technology as much as the US does. Although thats not exactly surprising. Oh btw this is my first time out of country. Airplane ride was actually not painful to my ears + my sanity…for once. Another observation, they have a lot of taxis. Im pretty sure the moment I stepped out the airport, I heard the word taxi about 50 times. They sell a lot of taxis and they use little boards to advertise to tourists coming out of the airport…like in a long line. It makes me feel claustrophobic and im glad i didnt take any of the advertisements :// Anddd there were people having wedding dinner at dennys??? why???? why dennys??? idk ive never been to a wedding except for 1 but i didnt go to dinner after soo. The feeling of being so rural and walking to a market just to get some food is very interesting. I enjoyed it.
- 9/14/22 : someone who i really wanted to be friends with called me their friend. what am i supposed to do now that i completed my goal? even so, im absolutely escatic.
- 11/1/22 : Im feeling amazing, cuz its November. November is amazing, there is literally nothing with it. Good things happen, and im a good mood. I've been letting off steam and by that I mean all the negative stuff i've been holding in for the past 6 or so years for the past half a month, and i feel as if I got a lot off my chest.
- 11/4/22 : Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main event. We have cakes, cookies, and a flashlight that may or may not get crushed to dust soon enough. I've been given an opportunity to destroy the crap that flashlight's made me go through, I can prove myself to be better than you thought me to be!(the flashlight is a metaphor btw :D )
- 11/23/22 : If there’s one thing that matters to me, its maintaining stability. A subversion and breaking of the peace is a show I would like to avoid at all cost. That’s why I place so much emphasis on attempting to right my wrongs. The main event is moving well so far, and there are no issues yet, but I can’t predict the future. I have no idea whats in store, and for that, a lesson in subtlety and patience is what is necessary for me to learn, which I’m doing rather decently with so far. Patience is a virtue after all. um i do kinda gotta aid the relationship between me and my brother. so like yeah i need to work on that. ofc all this came after getting yelled at for a bit and long speeches :D i loovee those long speeches.
- 11/24/22 : Thanksgiving this year was quite enjoyable. Spending it with my cousins proved rather fun and I learned how to play dominos. I won twice and through it I feel i got to connect with my aunt over something, and I'm happy about that, since there was nothing really to connect over previously. It was overall a wonderful experience and a great, productive way to connect with that side of my family and I’m happy that it turned out as well as it did.
- 12/22/22 : My last day of my gift giving venture :D im so happy that everyone else seemed so happy to receive my gifts. I even got some gifts in return, which I most definitely didn't expect. But its the thought behind it all that truly makes me happy, not so much the gifts themselves. I'm glad it seems that people are becoming more accepting of me.
- 3/10/23 : I got to spend a lot of time with my bestie but not rlly and i was rlly happy ab it...yay! oh i did go to europe back in february but i forgot to update it here :O. I went to portugal, italy, and france. France sucked, italy was good tho :D. but yeah the manatee tourney yesterday and today was fun! i did kind of bad but atleast i got to hang out with bestie but not rlly :) still not sure if she actually thinks of me as a rlly good friend or not :/
- 9/5/23 : Today i've realized that i'm actually not liked very much...on some basis i can understand why, but on others i dont understand one bit...what did i do to deserve your mocking of me i never even talk to you. i gave up on trying to befriend someone i've been wanting to befriend since freshman year because the process is ultimately bad for my mental health. yeahh- everything's going downhill :') but at least one of my friendships seems to be blooming into something wonderful...i suppose that fact made my day, even with all of this other stuff weighing me down. thanks, if ur reading this :)
- 11/14/23: I wanna make a spotify playlist with someone, but i dont think anyone would be close enough w/ me to do that ;-;
- 12/7/23: What value is there in holding onto the past? Plenty is going well now, so what's the point in solemnly reminiscing? Hm. Ultimately, I realize my shortcoming is in how obsessed I am over such minute details. I find it impossible to be happy for an extended period of time because I am constantly thinking about what comes next and what came before. Is this my greatest flaw? Of course not. I find myself to be an extremely flawed individual. But of course. After all, it was meant to be that way. I engineered myself from the start *to* be flawed. A perfect individual holds no relatability and finds it difficult to bond with others due to having little common ground. Conversely, a flawed individual is the epitome of relatable, and emotional. Typically I find myself not feeling very close to people I've known and talked to for years, I wonder if that is because they have little defined flaws, and thus having no relatability. I, however, seek to not fall into the trap of seeking perfection, instead wishing to be as weak and emotional as can be. Is that utter stupidity? In the long run, perhaps. But at least for now, it's been doing me wonders. Had I chosen to continue to seek perfection, I don't think I'd have the connections I have today. I feel, henceforth, that the time is adequate for me to try again to be friends with them...also because I've been feeling rather melancholic about the whole situation recently. Leaving it up to them is too slow of a process, and thus I must at least take some of the matters into my own hands.
- 1/1/24: The ambition I have for this year, may it come to beautiful fruition.
- 1/5/24: This mask has served its purpose, and I don't think there's much point holding onto it now. I suppose its time to show everyone the side of me I rid myself of 6 years ago, I suppose its worth seeing how that goes, I'll probably be accused of deteriorating mental health or being depressed but here's hoping there's some surprise. (its harder than i thought so i put it off)
- 1/25/24: I wear a mask to hide my envy of people who are closer to the people i want to be closer to than i am and my infuriation at the vainness of my attempts to befriend and get closer to people...yes it almost always ends in disappointment, as if it didn't mean anything at all. It doesn't help that feeling close to people is where i derive my happiness. But it goes both ways, of course. Feeling distant from people causes me immense distress and sorrow. And yet, why is it oh so difficult to feel close to people...it always feels like i'm boring the people i talk to. How do some people have it so easy, how can some people so effortlessly make the people around them laugh and make wonderful friends using that as a basis. its eating me away inside, why am i so pathetic? i created a whole personality for the purpose of entertainment and yet it still seems as if people get bored of me easily, its quite difficult to escape my roots of seriousness. i hate the places my mind goes to. why can't i simply be happy that people have people they're really close to, even if its not me? despicable.
- 1/26/24: The matter discussed on 12/7/23 of taking matters into to my own hands went terribly...not that im particularly surprised. i think its time to just let go, even if its annoying. i can say i tried, i guess, but i'll follow the hint they're offering me and say my goodbye soon.
apr 2 2022 ∞
jan 27 2024 +