• Count five things that your dog loves, and if they can't enjoy three of those things anymore, then it's clear your pet’s quality of life is dropping & it might be time.
  • If he (or she!) only calls or texts after 10 at night, they're not interested in anything other than what's under your belt.
    • additionally, if they only text you when they're bored, evaluate similarly.
  • Staying with someone because "you don't want to hurt them" is a really shitty reason to stay, & you're hurting them just as much by denying them real opportunities to find actual happiness. **They will heal**, I assure you.
  • If they erases their texts directly before handing you their phone, be suspicious.
  • If you're confused about if they like you or not, TAKE THE DAMN INITIATIVE.
  • Parents aren't always right, & they don't have all the answers - just because you're younger & less experienced does not invalidate your feelings & emotions anymore than them being older makes them somehow "more" valid.
  • An ex is an ex for a reason. Think about it.
  • Never be afraid to say "No."
  • Conversely, never be afraid to say "Yes."
  • I can tell exactly how much weight I've gained or lost based on which pair of jeans fits, & often I go through three different sizes within a month because uterine expansion & hormonal water retention are things I wish I had been taught in basic sex ed. It's not a measure of my health or worth.
  • Be wary of people who tell you they don't like "thug" music.
  • The real mistake is not making amends as soon as you realize you’ve made one. **Learn to apologize efficiently** & properly make amends instead of shuffling blame.
  • A sleep aid like Xanax works wonders on long-distance flights.
  • Wait at least two weeks after a breakup before scheduling a haircut. Or be prepared to come up with a fantastic story.
    • Also, it's hair. it'll grow back, I promise. The really ridiculous story you can tell your friends at 3am while dry heaving from laughter on the kitchen floor is worth the few weeks of weird hats.
  • No one is perfect, & no one is going to get it perfectly right the first time.
  • Even a fabulous sale won’t make the wrong size fit any better. Just get the thing that actually fits & cut the fucking tag out. No one cares & women's sizing is fake.
  • If they cannot cook a basic meal or do basic tasks around the house/apartment without borrowing from my personal labor during periods of low stress, then they are not worth my time & shouldn't be living with me.
  • Black is more slimming than any diet. Ever.
    • Eat your fucking vegetables anyway.
    • Also don't discount the wonders of a properly fitting bra. It will take more pounds of than that shitty shIt*Works wrap, & your spinal cord will than you for it.
    • Seriously people, the straps are just for aesthetic comfort. A properly fitted bra should be able to stay up with the band alone, no matter how massive your titties are. That's how you know it fits properly.
  • Fashion advice is largely fake, but if you get validation & feel cute following them then that's also very real & valid. No one should make you feel shitty for the things you enjoy.
  • Duct tape solves everything, & WD-40 does the rest.
  • When people tell you their flaws, believe them. Actually, when people tell you anything about themselves that's even vaguely negative or worrisome, believe them.
  • If their profile picture looks like it was taken in the ‘80s, it probably was.
  • People who tell you they're brutally honest with any amount of pride are usually more likely to focus on the brutality aspect than the honesty, & aren't worth the hurt feelings they're ultimately going to cause you.
  • A job interview is the only time self-deprecation won’t work in your favor. Seriously. Don't be witty. Don't be humble. The mediocre white dude interviewing immediately after you won't be, & he's probably less qualified. Don't let the mediocre white man win,
  • You learn more when you shut the hell up.
  • If he only sees you after dark and won’t introduce you to friends or family, he’s an FWB, not a BF … no matter how many months you’ve been sleeping with him. (This applies to women too.)
  • Thou shalt not drink and text thine mother. **Thou shalt not drink and text thine mother.**
  • In three months, everything will be different.
  • Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen.
  • Skincare, skin care, skincare.
  • Creativity is a hot commodity, so charge (and pay) accordingly. Don't ask your crafty friends for discounts you douche canoe. **Tip on full value if they give you a discount, ya fuck.**
  • The person who tells you everything about everyone is telling everyone everything about you, too.
  • Be open to change, but never compromise your values.
  • Remember that what you want isn’t always what you need. Actually, we want a lot of shit we have no business having & definitely don't need, & you need a whole lot less than you think you do. At the same time, if it makes your life easier & sparks joy, don't let someone bully you out of wanting & appreciating it.
  • Living well is the best revenge.
  • Great love and great achievement require great risk.
  • (Great sex should not.)
  • (sometimes it does. hey, no kinkshaming in this house.)
  • It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.
  • Good teeth are 90% lots of money & lucky genetics.
  • Don't bluff more than once in a poker game with friends. If you can't see how this applies to more than just poker games, evaluate what you value in your friendships & maybe yourself as a person.
  • When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, they means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if they're related to you.
  • Pointedly praising something unusual a person has done or remembering a niche interest of theirs will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events.
  • this is especially true for kids & teenagers. **Especially teenagers**.
  • Addendum, be super fucking wary of people who tell you their kids don't like to talk about anything. Those types of people more often than not shut their kids down when they get enthusiastic about their special interest. I have never once met a shy kid where this was not the case.
  • Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: the part about murder.
  • There will be times when good neighbors are more important than a good neighborhood. That time is **often**.
  • Astrology & tarot aren't to be taken literally. They're tools of self reflection that help you analyze things you're already thinking or feeling through a more focused lens.
  • Trying to "teach someone a lesson" never works. You just look like a jackass, & they just end up hurting.
  • Beauty is an optical illusion. Except for sports cars.
  • You will never become a rock star if you don't pick up an instrument or some voice lessons & absolutely *suck* at them first. The same goes for being smooth at flirting. The same goes for actually literally anything. Being great at something starts with sucking at it embarrassingly hardcore.
  • As you go through life, you will discover that more and more of the subjects you studied in college are useless, & it was the critical thinking & friendships you struck up that actually meant something.
    • this does not apply to abnormal psychology. that will always be helpful.
  • Never make any sort of generalization concerning gender, even if you think it's *so true* God himself would back you up.
  • Never hesitate to admit the error of your ways when under oath in federal court.
  • Do not say hi to a perfect stranger in any town with a population over 2,000. The friendly gesture in Beaver Dam Falls is a scary act of aggression in Boston.
  • Always imply, in every possible way, that the person you're talking to is smarter, better-looking, slimmer, and more successful than they really are. Especially when networking at a corporate function.
  • If they won't let you take a mental health day without turning it around & making it about them & their needs, they're toxic. Full stop.
  • When choosing a bottle of wine to bring to a dinner party, spend between 10 and 15 dollars. That's for a bottle, not a gallon.
  • An ounce of appearance is worth a pound of substance.
  • The way a man looks, acts, and talks says nothing about how good he is in a relationship. Or in bed. The same does not always go for women.
  • It is okay to admit in conversation that your accountant used his imagination to save you $500 in taxes, but never admit you saved 5 bucks by refilling the vodka bottle in the minibar with water.
  • Never get into a pissing match via e-mail. If he forwards, you lose.
  • Never suggest to another person at the gym that they’re not working hard enough to accomplish anything.
  • Going insane while watching a great football game is a sign of mental health.
  • When a man meets another man, bonding begins when they both say things they hope no one else hears.
    • This is largely because men are socialized towards stoicism instead of vulnerability.
  • Don't punish behavior you want to see.
  • The person who sincerely says to you, "I want to get to know you better," is probably a person you don't want to know at all.
  • When someone makes a grand statement about how they’re feeling, only take it as what they’re feeling in the moment and not as a promise of a future.
  • It’s good to be excited about someone, but by sharing that excitement with every friend you have puts a lot of pressure on you but **also that person** to have things work out. Tread carefully.
  • It's better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
  • A designer shirt can't make you look great if you're wearing a $15 bra that hasn't fit since Bush was in office.
  • There is nothing "strong" about not sleeping & not eating.
  • There's also nothing strong about not taking a day off.
jul 21 2010 ∞
mar 29 2021 +