1/11/24

• Observing how I feel a little anxious about the conversation between me and my crush.
  • Was it not a 'good' response?
  • Did I say too much, or too little?
  • Does he care little, that's why he didn't reply?
  • Did he feel I wasn't worth of his time?
  • ..._did I jinx it?_ Did I miss the chance to get him to like me?
  • ...what if he doesn't like me in the way I hope he would like me (more than a friend)?

On the other hand...

• Happy to receive a message from him. :)
• Desiring to detach myself from ego stories that I might have or develop around the relationship.
• Inteding to pierce through the delusions, illusions, ego desires, wounds around relating and self worth, and to arrive at true Love - one that is unconditional, generously give, and does not seek anything in return.
• Extending kindness and compassion to myself for whenever feelings besides this arises :) <3

_

2/19/24

Worries that are arising...

• Fear of...'losing him'. Or him changing his mind about how he feels about me or how he wanted to get to know what we feel for each other;
  • sitting with the truth that, that is not something I have control over and hard as it may be to believe, it's perfect that that's the way it is (having no control). The unraveling~unfolding of the process of becoming or unbecoming.

In truth, the more I feel like I should know or control it, the more I should let go and let nature take its flow.

• Why do I feel worried about if I will change his mind...or influence how he perceives me? What am I afraid to know? ...is it the old belief that I am unlovable / unworth of love, or is it...the everlasting Truth that I will remain Loved, in spite of and despite of whether he decides to love me or be with me.
  • May I take time to sit with that Truth that persists & permeates outside of how (S) feels about me?
  • Is it also possible to sit with the possiblity that the Truth and (S)'s love ~ can both exist and be received, by me? To believe that both are for me, without any conditions. 😭 Just.. an invitation. How does that possibility feel like for me, in my body?

_

3/12/24

• Oh Mother, wondering if I 'spoke' too soon. Not allowing my feelings to happen and take place first, before the action that's needed arises. Hehe
• Pondering about this from this morning's happening - feeling full of love and desiring to express that but not knowing 'how' just yet ~ how to 'concretize' the love I want to send to Steve. Hehe - so I wrote/sent him a message, and earlier, also prayed that he receives the love I feel (I wanted to give him yellow flowers), in one way or another, through Mtoher's Grace. However, I was still feeling restless (and quite impatient, I guess) and sent him a message anyway. Gigil na maiparating ang Pag-Ibig 😅.
• Now I'm thinking about it a little bit more because he didn't respond to my message. What if it didn't push through / hindi naiparating the way I wanted it to?
• Then...Aien, my love, there's the room for you to trust in Divine Grace. Na hindi man siya naipadala sa paraan na ninanais mo... makakarating pa din sa tamang panahon, sa tinakdang paraan. 🌹
• Ikaw na din, Hija (Aien) ang nagsabi kagabi - everything is taken care of in God's Grace. The loopholes, that parts we're not able to fill~fulfill, He will.
  • Leave room for the Holy Spirit to help you. 🙏🏽😉🕊️

Ashe! Ashe, aho!

❤️‍🔥

Patuloy na magdiriwang, Inay!

_

4/3/24

• Observing myself more slowly, on how I responded to receiving a picture of him. The thoughts flowed like...
  • "Oh no, I have to make sure he feels validated. Or his efforts are 'requited'.
  • I have to tell him he looks good.
  • I have to make sure I make him feel good about what he did, by affirming it through my response/words/reaction.
  • "I'm not sure how to receive or respond to this. What is he trying to tell me / what signal or intention is he sending or meaning as he sends me this photo?" Is it...to get a reaction from me or is it to express himself? Or both? Is it from love? What he just wants to send love and I don't even have to do anything but receive first, and then respond how called.
  • How do we feel about how we responded, Aien?
    • I feel I 'overcompensated' - did more than I truly wanted to. Like the first message was true but the second one was unnecessary. :) I meant to unsend it after catching myself but since he's seen it already...let's let it go and promise to ourself, we'll take it more slowly next time.
  • When I feel into it nga, feeling ko nag-shift ko yung 'magic' from the morning eh - because I chose to react than respond (may pinilit or forced na) I felt a subtle shift in the energetic connection. Parang nabawasan yung magic compared to how it started nung morning. Hehe 🤔💛 Hmm, interesting observation. How to maintain the same spark?

Respond vs React