Texts From Last Night

• (514): Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta
• (847): I'm in the dining hall. That same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
• (917): It's so hard to take my boss as an authoritative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall.
• (305): Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
• (203): We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
• (636): We were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
• (254): You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
• (909): I need a new camera phone. My pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. And neither tell me why I woke up in an airplane hanger.
• (818): I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
  • (1-818): I hope you got dinner out of it.
• (513): Why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position?
• (919): Dude, I was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting - someone mentioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple.
• (253): I just googled "who won the civil war". How can I still have a 97% in this class?
• (304): You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces."
• (956): Looking at the Victoria's Secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity.
• (512): You kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried.
• (310): I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
• (727): What do 4 police cars, 1 ambulance, and 2 fire truycks have in common?---My driveway
• (251): I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
• (908): Is wine microwaveable?
• (910): Girls should come with a carfax report.
• (775): A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
• (720): Haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your Christian music from itunes and kept saying "c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
• (651): well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
• (330): Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.