"Apparently I have a really big dick." --Chelsea's friend

"My hips don't lie." --Jake

"I WHIP MY DICK BACK AND FORTH!" --Nick

"Your queer card has been revoked!" --Angel and Meg

"Taking a dump is one of the greatest feelings in the world." --Macy

"CROTCH ON YO KNEES GUH!" --Me to Caitlin on her tights

"'I saw you guys and I turned gay.' Great... could you spread your legs any farther?" --Macy

"He was talkin' shit about evolution, and you don't talk shit about evolution in front of Phillip Motherfuckin' Brettschneider!" --Phillip

"...And I went downstairs to get a glass of water and I saw Satan rising out of my stove." --Phillip on all-nighters

"It is gay-tastic." --Phillip on his umbrella

"I want a McFuckin' McFlurry!" --Nick and Me

Melissa: You should try being a lesbian! It could be a great learning experience. Me: Have YOU ever tried being a lesbian?! From what I've heard, scissoring is hard!

"It's Angelina Jolie. I would put on the slinky dress and the high heels and pick up a broom in a minute!" --Nick

"LIKE A BOSS!" --Nick

Nick: She just gave me a full mammogram in the elevator! Me: At least she didn't give you a prostate exam. Nick: Uh-uh. She'd have to buy me dinner first.

Me: What the fuck? Dylan, would you eat out a girl with a grape-flavored vajayjay? Dylan: I wouldn't eat out a girl period. Me: Oh, sorry, I forgot who I was talking to.

"She showed me her tits and now I think I'm in love!" --Melissa imitating Joe

"The trick was not doing something completely obvious (ex. dolphin porn, lesbianism) and something that would invoke sympathy." --Nick on hacking Chelsea's Facebook

"She has a 'big heart,' but she's a BITCH!" --Kathleen

"You baby-eating heathen!" --Christian dude downtown

"If you're gonna draw a dick on our door, at least make sure it's anatomically correct." --Me

"Is this lava coming out of the showerhead?!" --Nick imitating Melissa

"NICK WHY CAN'T YOU HAVE A VAGINA!" --Melissa

"Nick, just put your vagina on for about 2 seconds!" --Melissa

"Ow! I can't believe you just put your fucking foot in my boob! That hurts! Dammit, I only get 2 of these per lifetime, and it's not like they're that big to begin with!" --Me to Melissa

"And for some reason my mom thought I was like a Jane Addams type figure or Jesus or something... you know, hanging with the social outcasts and the lepers." --Nick

Aparna: No one cares about German. Melissa: Hey, I do! Aparna: And that's why no one else does. Nick & Me: Ooh! BOOM ROASTED!

Nick: What is it with awkward white guys and serial dating? Me: The only options out there for them are serial dating or serial killing. Just accept the dating because less people get hurt in the long run.

"I'm drunk as shit." --Guy behind me at the Punch Brothers concert

It's like high school: They all hang out together because they feel obligated to, but they all kinda hate each other. It's one massive pool of lesbian incest.

Chelsea: The C-word is one of the worst things you can call a woman! Nick: I know, right? Who the hell wants to be called a Clemson fan?!

"Ugh... don't you ever get sick of posting Jesus statuses all the time? It's not like I post ones that say 'God isn't real, y'all,' cause I'd get bitched out for it and only have like 6 Facebook friends." --Catherine

"EVEN UGLY PEOPLE GOT PREGNANT!" --Melissa

"Ever since I cursed Lonnie out, my face has been clearing up!" --Melissa

"He's a baby-eating heathen just like me." --Me

"Pan-seared at about 165 degrees. It brings out the amniotic flavor that may get lost in deep-frying and covering it with ketchup." --Nick on how he likes his babies

"Dammit, we blew our 1 shot at getting into heaven!" --Melissa

"Aparna, you moved from the elevator to heaven into the coach class on the train to hell. And now you're on the first class section of the train to hell. Put on your sunglasses and turn up the AC/DC! I'M ON A HIGHWAY TO HELL!" --Me to Aparna