"I don't want to get married until I'm like... dead!" --Melissa

"ABORT THE TROLL! ABORT THE TROLL!" --Nick

"I just find it funny that there are stripper midgets in my sister's 1st grade class." --Nick

"Vagina couch!" --Catherine

"Nipple necklaces..." --Emily

"We were given 2 middle fingers for this reason and this reason alone: 1 for each parent. The end." --Me to Andrew

"Parents wouldn't have kids if they didn't want heart attacks." --Melissa

"At least I'm not pregnant." --Melissa's parental trump card

"Why would you want Joseph Gordon-Levitt when you could have a fucking Beatle! He's one of the 2 who's still alive as well!" --Me

"DICKSLAP!" --Angela

"I GOT BIG BOOTY BITCHES!" --Those Dudes on Youtube

"I know you were choking, but you could've at least told me there was vomit on the floor!" --Katie C. to Anesia

"I'm an accidental ginger." --Phillip Brettschneider

"If you join rugby, you'll have no problem getting laid. We have way too much sex on that team." --Macy

"This is my foot. This is my foot in your face. I'm on a horse." --Me