Bad Blood

• Pam: I don’t know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if I need to. And also know that I am not a hooker. That was a long, long time ago.”
• Lafayette: Bitch! You, me, bridge ain't gonna never motherfuckin' happen.
• Bill: I hear the water in Arkansas is very hard

Beautifully Broken

• Terry: I’m a nurturer. I found a baby armadillo by the side of the road and I nursed it. Now it sleeps under my bed. His name is Felix.
• Sookie: I keep expecting him to come through the door and say 'Sookeh'
• Eric: Please don’t do that. It makes me feel disturbingly human.
• Eric: You’re going to invite me in so I can protect you. Or have passionate, primal sex with you. How about both?
• Jason: There’s werewolves? Sookie: Yes. Jason: Holy shit! Big foot, is he real too? Sookie: I don’t know. I guess it’s possible. Jason: Santa?! Sookie: Jason, focus.
• Lafayette: Life ain’t not having problems, Tara. It’s about being able to deal with the ones you’ve got.

It Hurts Me Too

• Eric: Got your rug all wet.
• Pam: Did you call the hypothetical hardware store to buy the theoretical chainsaw?
• Eric: Mind you, it may look a little, out of place parked outside of that strange plywood hut you live in.
• Jason: There are two kinds of people in this world: people who got no dreams, people who got dreams and don’t do nothing about it, and people who go out and fulfill their dreams. I don’t know about you, but I’m the third kind.

9 Crimes

• Jessica: I'm a vampire not a fucking idiot.
• Sookie: Shut the fuck up.
• Sookie: Can all vampires fly? Eric: Can all humans sing?
• Eric: Well, I have to say I’m a little disappointed Lafayette. I pegged you as a professional, but clearly you lack the necessary…artistry.
• Jason: Ten years from now, there's going to be a version of you, ten years younger doing the same to you — and then who you gonna be?
• Sookie: I thought maybe you were coming down with the flu.

Trouble

• Jason: I'm Jason Stackhouse, and I wanna know you.
• Russell [pointing at himself]: Frankin - King!
• Overbearing flashback father: “You can’t spend your life between a woman’s legs” Eric: “I can try.”
• Franklin: 'Trust me, motherf---er.' Brilliant. Hey Tara, watch how fast I type 'motherf---er.' It's cool, right? 
Tara: Yeah. Amazing. Franklin: I'll delete it so you can watch again. Look. Look at me.Love you.
• Franklin [about Tara]: She’s such a fucking disaster, we could be twins! The attraction is electric.
• Franklin: Oh. Well, how do I get rid of him? How about, um, “I’m busy, bitch.” No, “bitch.” He wrote “bitch.” Too many “bitches.” “Hooker”?
• Franklin: I feel like I've been staked!
• Terry:This is what normal people do, Sam. They fall in love, they make each other laugh, they move in together, they raise kids, they fight over money, they get old and fat together. It's normal and it’s happening to me.
• Russel: Last time you had any real money you ended up at the slots in Biloxi, slaughtering a group of elderly women. Franklin: They wouldn't let me have a turn.

I Got A Right To Sing The Blues

• Arlene:Those are dumped out of a can into a big pot and heated up. I mean, where do you think you are, lady? Red Lobster?
• Lorena:Oh please, please try. Without that sanctimonious little prick Godric to save you, I would just love to rip you open and wear your ribcage as a hat.
• Franklin: You haven’t even noticed that I’ve shaved!
• Talbot: You never take me anywhere!
• Eric:''I will rip your head off and throw it in the pool. And I will have fun doing it.

Hitting The Ground

• Sookie: You wouldn't know love if it kicked you in the fangs.
• Jason: I never really thought I was smart enough to get depressed, but here I am.
• Sam: You're just a scared man in saggy underpants with no discernible life skills whatsoever.
• Pam: Excellent, They'll match my chains.
• Summer: I want to be your girlfriend. And I want you to taste my biscuits.
• Hoyt: "I bet you 100-1 that her middle name is meth.
• Pam: How'd you know I was a Tiffany's girl?
• Russell: Perhaps you have not quite grasped the subtext of our earlier exchange, but there’s a new fucking authority in town.
• Russell: Russell Edgington. You may call me King.

Night On The Sun

• Jason: Sook, say something. You brain damaged?
• Debbie: She's a c**t. Russell: But she's a special c**t.
• Russell: Poor Talbot. Are your diamond slippers chafing?
• Talbot: I'm bored. Take off your clothes.
• Talbot: Excited? Franklin's brains won't wash off the guest linens, I had to bury werewolves under the gazebo and that Sookie bitch staked Lorena. I've had enough excitement, thank you.
• Eric: Excuse me, Master. There's a werebitch in your study.
• Debbie: They killed my Cooter!
• Jason: for domestic ... something.

Everything Is Broken

• Russell:Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals. We want to eat you. After we eat your children. Now time for the weather. Tiffany?
• Jessica: She seems ... short.
• Eric: Everything ends, even the immortal.
• Russell: Global warming, perpetual war, toxic waste, child labor, torture, genocide: That's a small price to pay for your SUVs and your flat-screens, your blood diamonds, your designer jeans, your absurd garish McMansions, futile symbols of permanence to quell your quivering spineless souls.
• Lafayette: I wanted to see the sick fuck who ordered the veggie burger with bacon.
• Ruby Jean: I'll be damned. Maybe God loves fags!

I Smell A Rat

• Sookie: I’m a fairy? How fucking lame.
• sam: No dancing and no religion.
• Lafayette: Dem fuckers is a whole new dimension of trash.
• Pam: Blah, blah, vampire emergency, blah.
• Eric: If I meet the true death without at least kissing you, Sookie Stackhouse, that will be my biggest regret.

Fresh Blood

• Russell: To lose the one man I ever loved because you miss your mommy and daddy! That is a kick in the pants.
• Eric: You know I love you more when you're cold and heartless.
• Lafayette: We could end up in hell, or fucking South Dakota.
• Sam: Jesus Christ, you’re ugly.

Evil Is Going On

• Eric: If you two are done eye-fucking each other, can we go?
• Jason: Sometimes the right thing to do is the wrong thing. I know I did the right thing.
• Eric: I want my phone back.
• Sookie: You watch your fucking language.
• Eric: Maybe, but right now it feels fucking good.