Mitch Hedberg, R.I.P. (1968-2005)

• I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk; she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here, some other woman answered. I said, "You sound older!"
• They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home; there's more to it than that. "Want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not 'til you figure out what the f*** else is in it!"
• I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
• You know, there's a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.
• I bought a house, it's a two-bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? F*** you, real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that guy's house. "Sir, you've got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"
• I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks s***.
• I think they could take sesame seeds off the market, and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"
• I like the FedEx driver, because he's drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time!
• My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.
• I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
• I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don't think I would, 'cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. "Is that all you got around here? You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner."
• I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.
• I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too!
• On a traffic light red means stop, yellow means slow down, and green means go. But on a banana its the opposite, Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead and red means "Where the f*** did you get that banana at?"
• I had a neighbor and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say go around, I can not open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side but over here there is nothing. It's just flat.
• I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
• I wanted to do my 'Smokey the Bear' joke in England, but I had ask if they had 'Smokey the Bear in england', and they don't. They have 'Smacky the Frog'. I think that is a way better system, because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Like, never has there been a frog hoppin' towards me, and I thought, "Man, here comes that frog. I better play dead." Never have I said "here comes that frog" in a horrified manner. Its always optimistic, like, "Hey. Here comes that frog. Alright. Maybe he will settle near me, and I can pet him, and hold him. And put him in a mayonnaise jar. With a stick and a leaf. To recreate what he's used to. And I'm gonna poke holes in the lid, 'cuz he's definitely used to air."
• I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
• Whenever I walk people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying "Here, you throw this away."
• I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girl friend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument. How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Slam the... Flap? Zip up the zipper really quick?
• People teach their dogs to sit. It's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
• This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one f***ing complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a b****. The mailman will get shot to death. The envelope will not seal. And the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck f***er. The last payment must be made in wampum.