trying to explain my Aphantasia: (i used some reference from tweets and articles because idk how to explain things)

• wikipedia definition: Aphantasia is a condition characterized by an inability to voluntarily visualize mental imagery. Many people with aphantasia also report an inability to recall sounds, smells, or sensations of touch.
• helpful FAQ
• helpful youtube video

┊ my thoughts:

• i always thought "picture it" or "imagine it" was a figure of speech
• i can't picture anything. some people talk about how scared they were after reading a particular book. and then, there's me. i feel okay, because I'm unable to picture anything.
• i can't possibly understand what lucid dreams are...
• i just have an idea of how things should be, but without them present, imagining it is a struggle. something as simple as a book on a table. everything is black/trasparent, but i try to draw it out in my mind.
• let's say i try to think of an apple: i "see" a blurry and vague 'image' without outlines nor colors shrouded in smoke that disappears in less than a second. but i know i'm thinking of an apple, i just have the concept of it.
• i can't even imagine the face of my mom, even if i've seen her 2 minutes ago (and faces in general)
• i've never recalled sounds, smells, or sensations of touch, not even in dreams
• dreams are the closest thing i experience to the "normal" imagination (and for me dreams are very rare)
• i know some/most of the people can make movies and/or long sequences of images in their head (?), i'm so jealous tbh
• it sucks because i'm a super creative person, i research everything and i want to discover as many things as possible, it would be cool to be able to visualize things i already know, but most importantly to imagine new things
• maybe that's why i'm so interested in drawing and i like it that much, by drawing i can clearly visualize what i want. also by looking at other's people art.
• i also noticed i'm not able (or it's extremely difficult..) to imagine things that don't exist, or to be more exact, things i've never seen. for example i'm not able to imagine, let's say, the fictional character Mikasa with a maid dress (lmao) simply because i've never seen a drawing of that concept. same goes for real people etc.
• i draw a lot, and i need a lot of references (images). i don't do commissions, but if i were to do them i would need the client to send me a lot of reference images because i wouldn't understand if they only explained it with words. (i know references are very common in the commission community but i feel that for me it would be a more difficult thing)
• i literally just assumed for 20+ years that people were exaggerating or being figurative when they talked about imagining something visually in their mind
• i kind of hate it.. i think i'm missing out on a lot of things. but nothing bad happened because of it in 20+ years, so it's okay i guess
• i hate reading books, it's so so difficult and i never wondered why, i'm dumb
• i know some people can imagine themselves in a show/movie while watching it , WHAAAT? and they can even imagine a different path/ending ...
• "this is why i like art/photography so much; i have trouble seeing things in my own mind but having an image there to reference helps fill out all the other senses and it's pure imagination fuel"
• imagine imagining
• this reddit post is a really perfect example of my aphantasia, how the user describes what he 'imagined' is the same for me. also this comment and some more.