January:

• It was quiet. I spent a lot of time alone. I was really obsessed with Dana Carvey for while ;P I felt upset a lot of the time. I didn’t feel good about myself. It wasn’t a very good start to the year.

February:

• Things got worse. My self esteem was extremely low, as low as it’s ever been. I would just sit at the table every morning, eating pears & doing crosswords. I felt like my friends didn’t care at all.

March:

• I got my wonderful puppy, Marty ♥. I started to get happier - spring was coming. I was ~in love~ with Giovanni Ribisi, even though I already loved him, I loved him even more after watching “Saving Private Ryan”. I listened to the previews of Yellowcard’s new album nonstop before the album came out. The album came out and I almost died. every single song on it is so incredibly beautiful. Their music & lyrics were just what I needed at this time in my life.

April:

• I started doing yoga, which made me feel much better. But not much else was different. I remember staying home from school sick and making gifs on the computer all day. And I don’t remember much else except I saw myself getting fatter and I became so upset about it.

May:

• My kitten ran away. I still pray she will come home to this day. The Uellowcard concert was amazing. It was so beautiful. God, I cried when I saw them walking around backstage from my spot outside and ashgoadskg omg I didn’t believe they were real. It was just so wonderful.

June:

• I finished all my finals and was finally done with a shitty year of school, the worst so far, probably. I did yoga religiously. I read “Wintergirls” by Laurie Halse Anderson, which was extremely life-changing. I started riding again.

July:

• I went to the barn every Thursday to hang out with my friends, who (little did I realize this back then) did not care about me at all. I had waited for them and thought about them all the time, but they hadn’t been thinking about me - they had not even cared. I binged and starved and binged .. actually I probably just binged a majority of the time. I would sit in front of the TV watching The Office and I’d just keep getting more and more food .. it was so terrible.

August:

• I just did more of the same as I did in July. Instead of yoga I started pilates.

September:

• I found school to be so hard, so much harder than any other grade. And it still is. The work has consumed me.

October:

• I didn’t go out on Halloween. I became so horrified by my appearance and disgusted by how much more I weighed than last year, when I was the thinnest I’d ever been. I started to color days on the calendar in red when they were bad, green when they were good. It was all I thought about - getting back to where I was last year.

November:

• I started to get my eating under control. I took many walks with my family. The Yellowcard concert was probably the most incredible day of my entire life. I don’t even have words for it. I only binged a few times, but they were so bad that I had tried making myself throw up. I couldn’t do it, I was scared, I was a wimp. Thanksgiving was good, except I ate too much and felt like I was going to die and that’s how I’ll always remember it and I don’t want to remember it that way.

December:

• By far the best month of this year. I didn’t have time to prepare much for Christmas due to the excessive amount of schoolwork, but I tried. I only wish I’d had more time. Christmas day was so lovely. Christmas break was wonderful, though it went much too fast.