Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and self-harm.

• I do not care about manipulating my body in various ways. I do not care about losing weight, being thin, changing my nose, my upper arms, my stomach, my thighs, my bum. I seriously think I'm just normal, so that I am beautiful in some ways to some people, and ugly in some ways to others, and that I'm hot to the one person who matters. This is what I consider a healthy perspective.
• I believe in a future now.
  • That is bleak, but I wanted to die immediately during some points in my life, and die slowly by my own devices (that I was implementing) at most other points in my life, for as long as I remember. There is a reason for me to live now. The world isn't so bad with Jake in it.
• Tangentially to the above point, I have a lot more courage and self-confidence to stand up to people, to assert my own wishes, etc. I believe in my ability to make my future what I want it to be.
  • This is also bleak. But I seriously didn't think I would make it another couple of months at certain points, so why believe in a future?
  • This point is part of the reason I only picked my major in my third year -- I couldn't see beyond the next year or two because I thought I might not actually be there.
• I don't take myself so seriously. If I fail, I fail. I wouldn't kill myself over it. Or dig into my arm with a needle and scratch "Fail" into it.
  • I scratched that one so that everyone could see it. I usually did really small ones in ditch places (e.g. my fingers) so they wouldn't scar. But I wanted that one to stay so I remembered what a failure I was until the day I died.
  • The scar is going away now. I hope my children will never see it.
• I have overall become a happier person. I didn't believe in friendships, much less relationships, didn't think animals were particularly cute (mainly because I wasn't enjoying any part of my life), and constantly thought about the next time I could hurt myself, either by restricting my eating or by scratching with a needle.
• By being vulnerable to the right person, I have become liberated of all my hurt, anger, and betrayal.