- i am years above conscience
- what a poor baby! i feel sorry for myself. i’m so scared i can’t even come up with anything close to a smart plan...!
- if only one could know...my pain and suffering is immense...anything would make one want to know but whenever i try i’m screamed at...a near vessel...won’t listen to me...
- for you to succeed someone else must fail
- i am so sick and ill
- i’m obsessed with nature... i very very rarely harm myself with manmade objects on purpose...i wish i came into this world more naturally... but i NEED to be the flesh maggots adore
- sell my ashes to the neighbors
- your “pity” literally could not be more synthetic. i just need google to tell me the easiest way to kill myself
- 444! very cringe time. i want to die
- you all think i’m so funny and that this is all a joke but someday you’ll see how fucking serious i am
- vlad i love you but i literally don’t have time to get revenge on my teachers. for multiple reasons i’m glad i got out before i was anything but terrified of guns <3
- i’m not a nazi or anything but
- i’m not a pedophile or anything but
- god. i don’t think anything else makes me feel such intense emotions as the concept of the 1990s. like i was technically there in both 69 and 09 y’know?? but even just. the entire alternative music scene. there’s just so much for me there..hole comes on and i just go crazy anyway what’s the deal with courtney love i’ve read she’s racist and transphobic yet see no evidence for this at all anywhere
- i sent my therapist this website hi barb
- there is no such thing as bad or good..it’s so weird you people actually draw the line at condoning..because katie krenwinkel wasn’t the only person in history to stab somebody..your own police and military do this to people even more innocent than sharon tate every day. i think eat the rich..! alright this train of thought is making me dissociate i’m gonna go play overwatch i fucking condone and romanticize bye
- so is this it then? because then what? maybe i don’t care about the feeling i just care about the intensity of it. does it mean i’ll be ignored even more? a large part of all of it is my fault. i feel incredibly guilty. i never wanted any of this to happen.
- i’m so depressed it’s not worth writing about anymore. it’s become clear no one’s going to help..what’s there to say anymore. i CAN’T form my own thoughts...!!
- i don’t fucking care about you i just want to live. i JUST want to live. i do not know what will happen in the coming days..! my family still doesn’t know. but you’re acting like you didn’t fucking publicly directly threaten my life. like i haven’t spent almost an entire year constantly terrified of dying at your hands. and sure maybe then we shouldn’t ever talk to each other again but you were right! you got me. i do need SOMEONE! and like, if you’re so angry i like presents..why get me another one lol. i was never ACTUALLY physically scared of you..yeah why would i ever send you my address then??? i really never could’ve said with certainty it’s not a pipe bomb.. but yeah!?!? can we at least agree we liked each other at one point or another. even if they were separate points..fuck. well anyway. this copy of little earthquakes on vinyl record has quiiite a story behind it.
- you terrify me. you have to know this. make up your mind. who do you get to scare? you got angry at me for being scared and now you’re back and i’m more scared because you threatened to kill me in that timespan!!! all of this is only a fucked up backwards coping mechanism that will destroy everyone in the end. but adaptability is survivability. i HOPE i’m stuck with you.
- kidnap me and feed me mcdonald’s but this time in a non friendly way
- i will learn to be as angry as you.
- and the shit communication system resumes..but don’t think this changes the fact that i hate ouma kinnies
- ohhh man did i take life without the constant threat of backstabbing murder for granted...
- i’m still very afraid of pain which is unfortunate because i am only increasingly suicidal. i was never good at making plans.
- MY GOD you can’t engage in midsommar discourse when your views on murder and death are so warped. LOL. whooo cares if they “manipulated” her if she’s happy..you take what you can fucking get. grrrr..just makes my desire to join a cult elevated. i mean no one calls themselves a cult but i’ll do it knowingly aware it’s a cult. thaaat being said i’ve still never done ANY DRUG...anyway fuck that bear guy burning alive rules i speak from experience
- listen man..the hypocrisy..i had actually missed you..because the last time i had felt happy was with you. i can’t believe you’ve liked me this whole time . and by that i mean “wow” and not “you’re lying” like i usually do
- i love the concept of murder but i hate the concept of like, murder with a personal reason. like you shouldn’t know the guy. maybe that’s my overwhelming sense of selfishness (and maybe it is definitely from personal experience) but it goes both ways. dark web hitman services are one thing that overwhelms me but like. i wonder if they work. but i want my (completely theoretical) victim to be a complete stranger. like we get to know each other. what are your hobbies. looks like you enjoy this knife in your throat.
- girls be like “i know a spot” then take you to the zone of death in yellowstone national park and murder you with zero legal consequences
- my dad can fuckin’ say things man. first of all i want to say that his racist and sexist “jokes” are just getting sooo fucking old. like. like. they’re not even “radical” enough for me to be remotely interested. and by that i mean cool and also INSANELY racist. it’s not that. so i don’t care. anyway, i think my mom sent him my full wishlist. which was an..interesting choice. i said i’m in love with the manson family and compared their literal cult status to christianity and asked for sadie’s book. and he keeps asking me about sadie directly. maybe my mom took that specific part out but he knows i like the manson family at least a little bit. i think he saw me wish squeaky a good day in my manson 73 letterboxd review, lol? i say i wish i was a hippie at one point in the wishlist too. so he tells me “don’t be the bad kind of hippie that kills people, alright? don’t be a hippie who does what people tell them to do and can’t think for themself. be a good hippie. you love susan atkins, don’t you?” like it’s accusatory. “she was a bad lady. don’t be susan atkins.” i. wow. my dad has always had a weird obsession with and fear of them and i thought we were kind of keeping that interest of mine secret to him, lol? i mentioned “true crime” in passing at one point (when i was..way less into it, actually) but i guess that stuck with him because he keeps asking me “do you still do true crime shit?” like yes. you do not even know. he does not know to the point of also literally saying to me at one point that he thought i couldn’t “do a columbine” because i don’t actually go to school but then he realized i could just go to some random school. OH BOY. don’t give me ideas..and don’t forget the classic “do you still think about killing yourself?” more than FUCKING ever man and you’re not helping. i keep getting more at peace with that but that is a different subject. ”you can’t kill anybody, can you? i mean, yes, anybody could kill anybody, that’s a thing we could do, but..you wouldn’t. you wouldn’t kill anybody, stop messing around”. or something like that. LIKE IT’S ACCUSATORY. fuck you actually. “you wouldn’t kill anybody”. nobody you know.
- in other news. i am terrified of my. hm. only friend? haaaaha. how are all of us going to cope with this. that’s a serious question. eeeverybody we all know. you all hate me. everybody fucking hates me but i suppose it is comforting to look past that and have it be meaningful for a second.
- this all reminds me of that “i married my stalker” newspaper meme like “this could be us but you keep calling the cops” DGDGSGDHDHS i am sorry. not one hundred percent exactly my situation but that’s what i’ve been thinking about this whole time.
- all three of us know and hope i end up dying
- you people keep coming up with ideas. that’s crazy man. what are my reasons to live. i vividly remember living for starbomb 3 and even though it was delayed a bunch that happened a while ago now . it was the palimpsest vinyl for a hot second but i got that. i need to start making a to do list before i die because i know there’s other things in general but i. can’t really think of them right now. the escape but safely. guess that comes first.
- hahah yeah. anyway remember when you tried to kill me
- trying to convince myself i don’t care
- what the fuck do you expect to happen when you’re doing almost the EXACT same thing you did to me. you don’t expect me to trust you (i don’t either) but literally what the fuck am i supposed to do. guess i still just don’t know horrid. it’s funny how my name of all things was the most apologetic i ever saw you get. barely anything on the death threats though!!! you fucking terrify me and i still can’t tell if that’s what you want or not. doesn’t look like much is gonna change though.
- *opens up to people about my feelings* in conclusion i regret this. i’m not even doing that. listography dot com the hot new imessaging app. trying my hardest to convince myself i don’t care. fuck. i just could never imagine another person so similar to me in a million years. yet so different. why can’t anyone settle for me not being murdered.
- i hate talking. i love monster. god. you ever tried the purple shit? i tried pipeline punch and it gave me a headache. so i think i’ll stick to the sugar free ones..i listened to ferrari by alice gas the first time i had purple monster and it made me feel like i was having heart failure. here’s my plan if anyone confronts me i’m just gonna talk about monster
- okay. okay. fucked up on my own thoughts again. i got a light up bluetooth speaker and i can’t figure out how to work it. i got so many lights for my room and i just got used to sleeping in the dark. i got two lava lamps. two. they’re not even THAT pretty. but it’s not like i’ll ever have an irrational fear...of my lava lamps....burning down my house........
- things overwhelm me seemingly without reason
- i looked at the moon and she told me i’m bringing this upon myself
- do you still think i’m a horrible person?
- we both know that’s a horrible idea.
- tired eyes.
- old bones.
- color gradient.
- i dreamt you tried to kill me again.
- i never knew one person’s existence could make me so happy.
- let me interrupt the april fucking poetry hour (i’m monika) and talk about how angry i am at my family again!!!!!!! i tell you i’m back in contact with mila and you’re wary. fine. i am too. but you’re not wary she’s gonna change her mind again and actually kill me this time, you’re just worried i’m gonna THINK that again??? as if this is the only thing anything like this would apply to. i really think i just decided to attach MOST of my fucking problems to this one thing. sure finding that journal entry home alone in the middle of the day was one of if not THE most terrifying thing to ever happen to me and sure i couldn’t stop myself from sobbing and screaming i don’t want to die by myself home alone BUT YOU KNOW WHAT CAUSED ME AN ALMOST EQUAL AMOUNT OF FEAR?? YOUR FUCKING HUSBAND YELLING AT ME!!!!! goddd. “he’s very sorry!!!” like i ever fucking cared about him??? it’s like if tessa the annoying kid from sixth grade just bombed specifically my house one day. like, even if she didn’t do that, she’d still be annoying and kind of inescapable, but now you don’t feel safe in your own fucking home because of her. well, you wouldn’t have a home. bad analogy, i guess. anyway, why would i take any kind of apology from him to mean shit???? i’m being hypocritical about the word “sorry” again, but that’s because sometimes both parties fucking cared about each other at one point! so annoying by himself. i have never felt more trapped. maybe i shouldn’t’ve clawed on you but like “get off!!” wheeere the fuck am i supposed to go ma. we always could’ve moved away from “crazy ohio lady” as my dad loves to call her but i can’t seem to move away from FUCKING richard. dick!!! literally. i don’t know why i see no value in killing him but i don’t. so i won’t! there. the dog on the other hand...WHY were you so fucking excited to “kill” mila (yeeeah right, that was always bullshit) IF (“and WHEN”) she came but whenever i bring up one tiny fucking flaw with your husband or your fucking DOG you’re like “nooo they are perfect beings.” FUCK you. undiagnosed cynophobia BULLSHIT!!! you want to say you’re perfect too SO badly but you won’t and i don’t fucking talk to anyone (end of sentence) that agrees with you. the most obvious thing will always be that you love your husband more than me!
- it’s fun being angry, sometimes.
- i could write a song on lsd. BET! i watched colorspace. ahhhhh!!!!! need that for 90s mall goth. all my aesthetics can be summed up with true crime cases. even like. nevada tan. anyway. i almost feel myself losing my love for the 60s but that can’t be. i will. do drugs in my lifetime. there. that’s a thing to live for...
- maaan i can’t find the full ricardo lopez video. i mean i don’t. really care. i just can’t seem to find him actually shooting himself. i got a book about homogenic and i decided it was finally time to see it but i. can’t!!!! i mean there’s the documentary on youtube but it cuts out the exact frame when he dies lol. if that’s really the noise of his blood draining out after that’s so fucked. but yes you may wonder. why monika. you love björk and true crime. why are you not way more into the literal björk stalker? idk. he’s ugly? which is way more important when it’s just a suicide or a PLANNED murder. like lindsay souvannarath didn’t actually kill anyone but she’s pretty so i don’t care. yuka takaoka never ACTUALLY killed anyone either everyone says she did. but. either way. i literally don’t care. that case was so popular whenever it fucking happened god. everyone had their moral dilemma of oh no pretty murderer. including me but now? i don’t care. anyway, the björk stalker is my personal dream. though i wouldn’t try to kill Anyone like that. through mail????? the closest to that i’m willing to do is poison. but, living alone and documenting shit and being obsessed with björk??? i am literally two thirds of the way there.
- stop fucking doing that
- haha yeah no. not if this keeps fucking happening.
- so what’s your plan now then? what are you trying to do? god, as long as it’s not me. no evidence either way, but i feel like you, sir, get the coveted award for most likely to kill me !
- this means something..this all definitely means something. nothing until my mom gets me an exercise bike tho. i should’ve got that fuckin thing at the thrift store LOL.
- ooh pick me pick me
- my life is a fucking poetry book that doesn’t want to be written
- that’s the thing.. i keep focusing on what happens after i die. like i haven’t built up a big enough archive. lol. and while i hope whatever happens is. notable. i refuse to think about how (and therefore when) i’ll die..because i’m still SO scared of pain. temporary pain is my favorite. i peel my skin off and that’s fuckin it. this is the beginning of the end but i don’t know what or when the end is. i’m numbering my months like i know. i’m thinking something related to the number 9 but i don’t know. i’d be 24 by then. yikes..so little leads to revelations like this so there’s a lot of important dates one can have. i was writing down birthdays because i’m autistic and i learned arin syd ouisch and shuhua have the same birthday. january 6. i know shuhua would technically be the 5th because of timezones but let me have my fuckin moment man..the four corners of your interests, madam! i like calling myself a girl even though i’m. not. this got off track. um. there are endless similarities between me and vodka but. one is that our birthdays are not far apart at all. i don’t know. how day math works. at most 5 days at least 3. i’m dumb why won’t people realize.....autumn is my favorite season but i’ve been thinking about spring. my mom won’t buy me a pack of monster. i have so many thoughts and it drives me insane.
- so anyway.. i already burned to death once. god. the grumps are coming up on that in their playthrough..i am insane. anyway. i was already burned alive once! and it’s still on the table. everything’s on the table i need to fucking die. but i have been. THINKING about hypothermia. and fuck. near death experiences have a lot of “and then i saw a light ahhh” i’ve never actually read them but i’ve heard.. and YEAH freezing to death. flip it on its head! i do not know the order of my past lives. i think just getting deleted was the most long lasting effecting “death” i’ve experienced. there has been so many and i still want more. the motherfuckin escape bro. i am black dresses at my core... i don’t remember the music video they do in the freezing cold but yeah. thru the void maybe. fuck i miss them. freeze to death and wake up somewhere sunny!!!!!! i made my mom cry she was like “there’s so much beautiful..there’s the redwood forests and the grand canyon” ONE i know i have been to the grand canyon. pretty sure we watched that episode of parks and rec together!!! umm i put an emoji here and it wiped the last part of this entry LMAO fuck. anyway the point is. who wants to brainstorm suicides with me
- i always feel like i’m being laughed at.
- I’M SO FUCKING ANGRY I NEED TO ****KILL!!!!!**** i’ve never fucking been able to stop imagining almost cartoonishly violently HURTING PEOPLE!!!!! it’s not anyone in particular anymore. i’m shocked myself i’m this violent now but you get what you fucking deserve!!!!! life itself is violent and you can’t be angry at me when i make headlines for this shit!!!! i can’t fucking wait.
- i wish i had someone. i wish i had fucking SOMEONE. someone who could possibly understand. i can’t fucking TALK to people though. i can barely talk to myself and i can barely talk to nobody in particular. i’m trying so hard. here. right now. no one will fucking listen. nothing is what i want. i have absolutely no idea how to fix this. i hesitate to kill myself without someone else. i think i live just to love. but i’m doing even that wrong somehow. i can’t stop thinking about what we could be. we as in me and literally anybody else. i feel like i’m so close but i also feel as empty as ever. no one can ever truly understand including me but we can try. why don’t we try?
- pick a fucking side. lying is worse than anything. i hate you and my head hurts.
- no one will ever take me seriously oh my god
- WHY the fuck would i joke about this come on
- when i say can’t shake the devil’s hand and say you’re only kidding i mean fuckin COMMIT! be a flat out racist or don’t. that’s what i mean by lying is worse than anything too. just come ON....personally i’ve chosen my side..
- nice..
- UMM planned that one for a while didn’t i. i should put all this somewhere else eventually but..i’m too dumb to learn how to code for neocities...anyway i keep thinking about how there are two paths you can take from having more or less unsupervised internet access as a child. horny or violent. and i have always been the horny one. i mean. that sounds weird. but it’s true. i only ever got like two pics down on bestgore (RIP)..and you’ve probably all heard the story of that damn let miku in the bathroom mmd. god..one might say i seem pretty violent for being on the horny side of mid 2010s internet access these days like in these entries but that is much more recent. horrible coping mechanism that will destroy us all. can’t stress enough how excited i am about killing myself tho.
- i should drink tea more.
- HORRIBLE ACTS OF VIOLENCE. LMAO. i’m sorry i get so hung up on absolute shit midsommar takes. i just. GRRRRRR...you’re so fucking dumb. you people are all so fucking dumb. see: i’ve chosen my side. FHGHFHGHGHFHG..if it was some kind of african tribe doing the SAME SHIT you would have such a different reaction..bet people who hate midsommar because dani and/or the “cult” is “bad” think charles manson actually killed people
- frosted trees are so much prettier than autumn trees. is there even a name for those? frost..i’m like tumblr when guardians came out. god.
- well to the side of the frosted trees you can see a billboard that has ABC baby blocks and it says: A: Admit you’re a sinner B: Believe Jesus is Lord C: Call upon His name....and what. BULLSHIT!!! such beauty against such..ugliness. and the trees are pretty much defrosted now. hyperfixating on carrie really..made me look at christianity..differently. i mean. i think the scariest thing about all of it is that parents like that actually exist. the way she still..cares about her mother even after she literally just murdered her is fascinating. why did she go home. who knows. y’know. the brain is a complex thing or whatever. but all of it is so REAL. telekinesis may ruin that for some but i feel like one’s constant emotional attachment to their parents no matter how absolutely fucked up they are in any way..i think that’s really interesting. i feel like it’s not talked about enough. but i feel like it’s a thing. i don’t know. i hope people don’t read carrie and just go “why do you still CARE about her she SUCKED”. i mean, that can be part of it. but it’s so much more! all she knew..who the FUCK is john travolta
- anyway. i think hating people because of their religion is childish. and i..do not like that word. BUT..my screen is covered in grease from typing this because i got a&w. minnesota everyone! hardcore christian billboards and fast food and pretty frosted things. a midwestern road trip...just to my grandpa’s. or from. god. my dad and uncle keep watching shows i have to try my HARDEST not to hyperfixate on them. i mean. mash? beverly hills 90210? the gay subtext....and other things. i don’t fucking watch tv. donna martin graduates. HELP..shannen doherty is so pretty. heathers supremacy. i was heather duke for a while. am i still? i have so many kins now i completely lose track. i don’t care. i don’t know why they like 90210 so much. everyone likes mash but i don’t. understand. it’s so easy to make fun of LOL..we watched the pilot(s) + 1 and then. skipped around. it’s on pluto tv which they’re obsessed with. we didn’t watch everything up to season 4. clip show! david’s monologue about scott rules tho. UM. my obsessions can get insufferable can’t they..
- do you know what you’re fucking doing? if this immeasurable amount of despair has been and always will just be fucking “NORMAL” for “TEENAGERS” what the fuck are we supposed to do? you say shit like this and are so surprised when “we” do any kind of damage to anyone or anything else. we’re “cowards”. why the fuck would anyone say anything like this!?!?!? what kind of completely fucked up suicide prevention is this. i know all of that is bullshit but the thought of any of this doing anything other than speed up any kind of fucking “devastating” process never crossed your mind? do you think i’m lying when i say i know infinitely more than you do? proves my fuckin point. it’s sooo funny i know a dumbshit piece of trivia and ohhh i’m so much SMARTER than all of you ha HA but when it comes to my suicide i have no say in the matter. why the fuck is that? “the act of killing oneself intentionally”. like...me? like myself? what the HELL!!! of course i get to decide when i die!!! such a BASIC fact that no one will fucking ACCEPT..we’ll never get anywhere with this..there is an instinct though..i know when and when not to kill myself..lots of opportunities..haven’t looked much into how. but not now. i know. not why, but i know..for some reason. i need someone to see this and fucking understand it and let me fucking DIE..let me fucking do what i want. fucking leave me alone!!!!! god! is it that hard! but you all think you’re so much fucking better than me. maybe it’s the opposite..if by existing the universe revolves around me..and i have complete control over myself..i must control the universe...you’re definitely not fucking better than me. always proving my point. why are you spending so much time on this? inadvertently telling me to kill myself. by telling me to not kill anyone including myself..it infinitely increases the chances of me KILLING SOMEBODY INCLUDING MYSELF!!! in that FUCKING order if the former is included. i might end up murdering somebody but i won’t get in trouble for it. if that happens and you see this after. know that i fuckin called it!
- ? i can’t tell. i could never tell. i could never, ever tell.
- do you?
- it’s not that i’m being dismissed. my dad once told me his mom literally told him “just be happy” whenever he was depressed. it’s hard for me to understand why anyone would ever say that, and i’m certainly not familiar with it at all. the problem is i’m always told it’s normal. it’s all normal fucking teenager things. maybe i’ll convince them to say “well yes maybe you are overreacting a little about this death threat” but no. that’s passed now and i’m once again told extensively about how this is just normal for people my age. more baffling than the just be happy shit. i can’t believe people read dylan klebold’s journal and just think the only abnormal thing ever associated with him ever was when he shot up a school. why the fuck do you think he shot up a school? ohh no fuck it’s the big question why!!! why!!!!!!! i’m pretty fucking sure school shooters are a minority for teenagers??? i can not BELIEVE every single fucking person i talk to associates my age with my entire being so MUCH!!!! i mean look. there are so many fucking. facets. of this. look at my danbooru favorites! 300 posts experience in LOLICON!!!! you can’t see that if you don’t have a gold account actually. anyway. ANYWAY. the time my stepfather directly traumatized seems to have adopted the title of “the time he talked to you like a teacher”. boy if teachers actually talked like that. apparently he was like “oh no oh fuck i totally talked to her like a teacher oh no i’m so sorry oh fuck” and i strongly believe he didn’t fucking care before that was pointed out to him. BOY do you understand the amount of times people have threatened to call the cops over me...like WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO! anytime a cop car stops even NEAR our house i have to fucking run downstairs or something. i’m that scared of them.. but no. no no no no no. that’s a normal teenager thing! you crazy punk kids!! haha funny anti establishment! i’m sure you will grow out of it and never kill yourself! happily fantasizing about murdering your pets? normal fuckin fifteen year old shit!!! of course this bitch thinks she was in the beatles! she was born in two thousand five haha so funny!! FUNNY GIRL TEENAGER I’M GONNA CALL THE COPS ON YOU!! like if all this shit is NORMAL why would any MORE authority need to be involved?????? everyone that knows me fucking DESPERATELY wants me to get shot in the head.
- alright! can anyone tell me what the fuck is going on
- UMMM hi i’m back i wanted to find me talking about 90210. rereading some of these. i am insane and also right all the time. lots has happened and i don’t know if i’ll ever be comfortable talking about it publicly. basically nobody told me what the fuck was/is going on. hey i wish there was a better way to archive all this..shit…publicly..without me havin to know shit….down with neocities. i have..2 urls cause i wanted to try to learn how to code and immediately gave up both times..anyway. listography. too many syllables. bad beach boys takes. bro i have 985 beach boys scrobbles. don’t ask me why i don’t know how this happened. i don’t wanna say i’ll die before the fucking beach boys become the first artist i have 1000 scrobbles of because then i probably would and not in the way i want. but. tmbg is at 756..that is considerably less. i have not finished either of their discographies..there is SO much music. i cannot believe how self conscious i was about music before. 1800 songs on your playlist bitch you are fine. that is more than enough. stop. anyway i think when i get to 100 entries here i will make another observations..tab? category? whatever the fuckin boxes on listography are called. uhh what else. i am never going to come out to my dad he will just not fucking use they/them pronouns and i’m not fucking letting my dad call me it. this is so exhausting..people hate me and they don’t even know it. funky pretty will not stop playing in my head. idk why this entry is so long it has no cohesive theme i can easily break it off. alright sbopl fans. i’m back. but also going to sleep right now. zzzzz <3
nov 22 2020 ∞
jun 19 2021 +