⠀⠀ ⠀⠀✦ .. "THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENED" (444)

"the first time it happened produced 15 gunshots, but this time it was only 12, as I made sure to count very good upon waking up at 4 in the morning to hearing them. I had to be sure my story was completely boring and droning and just as everyone else would describe it, after all. I am the only one in my family who wakes up immediately, and therefore the only one who believed they weren't part of a dream. except for the cat, of course, frozen and afraid as I was the first time it happened.

"the first time it happened I sent about a hundred texts to the love of my life out of bloodshot worry for my own life. this time I only sent about two and then relayed the rest to my awoken mother, who thought it was in her own head. the colour of the world just before the rising sun is the perfect colour of phtalo blue jeans being slowly acid washed, which is better than the flashing red and blue from the first time it happened.

"the first time it happened, actually, supposedly, was a little while away down the end of the neighbourhood. more gunshots, they say, and I only heard those ones through word of mouth. and they hit someone that time. the police arrived 20 minutes after the scene, making their presence known by a single whoop. I've heard nothing since. the least I can do about anything is grab information, and maybe answer the door when the police start to canvas, like I didn't do the first time it happened."

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as soon as i had turned on my dead computer to post this entry, the time 4:44 showed up on my screen. after looking it up i knew it wasn't coincidence that it meant i had divine protection on my side. despite it not being a number i usually see repeated... in fact, i believe that makes it even more of a message. here i am sitting around in fear and hopelessness and uncertainty about what i might do if this happened to me, not so much panicking as much as i am defeated that i might be next. and then, out of the blue, this number appears in bold in front of me. letting me know not to give up, that they're right beside me. i'm feeling the love here.

𝒾. — spirituality

• the meaning of 444