I'm far too strong

or perhaps weak

to express my thoughts honestly.

Yet, dear,

I must admit,

and I'm sorry

that the devil crawls up my bed at night

and lays right beside me

He sings to me at 12:01

and finishes his verses

looking powerfully into my eyes

He has told me

over and over

I'm no good

and he is not a liar like me

Lately, I've been scared to be touched

By him, or her,

or anyone

It frightens me

Their expectations may go beyond

of what I can explain

and I'm sorry,

God, fuck,

I'm sorry.

What I want the less

is to upset you,

but I've been raised up upon

I'm no longer pure

I never was

I was forced as a child

Please understand

My body is not of my belonging

I've been everyone's and no one's

But never myself's

I swore I'd never love me

-and I don't

but mostly

I swore I would not let anyone do it.

I'm sorry.

My body is a highway to hell,

to shame and anger

All I want is to protect you

from the curse of my own self.