• Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
• What you call dog with no legs?

Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
• Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
• Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
• Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.