From here

• Relax, No, no, just relax! See how fucking annoying that is? Telling someone to relax NEVER WORKS.
• No matter how early in the morning, we will always drive each other to the aiport As far as I'm concerned, that should be in the wedding vows.
• Shower sequence I take longer to get ready. Therefore, I take the first shower. This is simple but important math. If you interrupt this order without warning, you run the risk of throwing the entire universe out of alignment.
• A rational, intelligent argument I don't mind having one. I don't even mind losing one. I only mind if you don't know how to make one.
• Domestic partnership If gay marriage still isn’t legal by the time we get married, then fuck it. We’ll just enter into a domestic partnership. Why should we get to take advantage of rights that aren’t equal?
• Public displays of affection this is a relationship, not a performance. Let’s keep that shit to a minimum.
• Travel and vacation are not the same thing.
• The toilet seat Put that shit down. Always. Nobody wants to see the splatter of your bodily fluids.
• Bubble wrap You’ll have to take it away from me, because I will never stop popping it.
• Moving day We’re hiring professionals. With a truck.
• April Fools day ou can be cute about it, but if you embarrass me in public, I’ll reign down mischievous fuckery until your head spins.
• Magazine sex tips c'mon dude, we're better than that.
• Grilled cheese night hether it’s artisanal gruyere and prosciutto, or Kraft singles and balogna slices, you can’t go wrong on grilled cheese night.
• Movie theatre drinks ’m getting my own small Diet Coke. Please, don’t make me share one of those 48 ounce monstrosities. I can’t enjoy a movie filled with the anxiety that at any moment, one of your giant man gulps is gonna leave me with nothing but a cup full of ice and a mouth full of popcorn.
• Using headshots to explain Joseph Kony to our five year old son would be kind of douchey, but using a mugshot to explain why you were arrested for masturbating in public would be absolutely unforgivable.
• I vote and one day, I want to vote for a woman who’s made sex tapes, done lots of drugs, and doesn’t believe in god.
• Citizens of the world Our kids will speak multiple languages. They will have passports before they have driver’s licenses. They will be cooler than us.
• Secrets I'm the one you always tell.
• Restaurant rudeness__ No matter how bad the waiter is, we do not make a scene. We speak to the manager, make a graceful exit, and don’t let it ruin our evening.
• Go ahead. Ask siri how to change a flat tire I will never let you forget this moment for as long as we both shall live.
• Sticky fingers That toddler that smells like syrup is not touching my iPhone. I don’t care if it’s our kid.
• Couples counselling is for pussies Let's go rob a bank together.
• Are we in a hurry or something? I appreciate you picking up the tab, but please wait until I’m done eating before you ask for the damn check.
• New Years Eve I don’t care if we go big or stay home, as long as we get to make out at midnight.
• Shut up Dexter is on.
• Rainy days Fuck that noise, it's time for a bed party.
• Laundry day Stuffing the washing machine with everything in the hamper and then hitting the start button does not count as “doing the laundry.” Fluff and fold, motherfucker.
• Bedazzler You are not a castmember on Jersey Shore. The only things on your shirt that are allowed to sparkle are the cufflinks.
• Skymall appliances Let’s never be one of those couples who gets all excited about the latest Dyson vacuum cleaner, a Subzero refrigerator that plays Pandora, or god forbid, a fucking Margaritaville blender.
• Girlfriends Treat mine well. They know more about you than you could possibly imagine.
• Deep V's Dude, no. You are not allowed to have more cleavage than me.
• Procrastination The longer you wait, the harder it gets. There is only one situation where this works out well.
• Tivo Yes, it makes cute noises, and it knows what television shows you like, but please don’t talk to Tivo like it’s the family pet.
• Birthday blues When I say I don’t want anything and am going to skip celebrating this year, whatever you do, don’t believe me.
• Promiscuity You know better than to ask how many men I’ve slept with, and I know better than to have ever kept track.
• Our vows will not include the word 'obey'.
• Sephora Here, take this flare gun. If I’m not back with some lip gloss in twenty minutes, fire it once into the air and cancel all of our credit cards.
• Vegas You'd better be able to keep up.
• As you wish Every once in a while, I’m gonna turn to you out of the blue and say “Farm boy, fetch me that pitcher.” You’d better know the proper response.
• Robes Mine is sacred. You are not allowed to borrow, wash, or use it as a cum towel. Ever.
• Gym memberships Are not considered presents. If you decided to ‘surprise’ me with one, I’ll know you think I’m fat and will retaliate by leaving stacks of penile implant brochures around the house for your viewing pleasure.
• Class It’s one of those things you can never have too much of, kinda like toilet paper and lube.
• Blood If you’ll pay hundreds of dollars for “blood splatter” seats at a UFC fight, you are not allowed to squirm at the mention of my period.
• Cocktails and reservations Fuck yeah, I'll make them.
• The sink here’s no such thing as the fucking hair fairy. Clean that disgusting ring of beard shavings out of the sink yourself
• Reality check Just because you’ve memorized the stats of every player on your fantasy team doesn’t mean you’ll remember what to get at the grocery store. Make a list and check that shit twice. Has Santa taught you nothing?
• Waffles & Ice cream Yeah, that’s what I want for breakfast. You got a problem with that?
• Your lady friends Have all the female friends you want but if some floozy starts telling me how you like your eggs in the morning I’m gonna knock her the fuck out.
• Don't use the phrase, 'I gotta be honest' It means that you’re usually lying, and about to be an asshole.
• Stuffing your face I love a steak. You love a steak. That’s no excuse to partake in some tacky restaurant’s steak challenge. I refuse to sit by and watch you eat 72 ounces of anything.
• Bad moods I get it, you’re hungry and had a lousy day at work. Go eat a sandwich then rub one out or something but don’t take that shit out on me. If I wanted to live with an overbearing menopausal woman I would’ve married your mother.
• I knew I loved you before I met you Shut the fuck up, no you didn’t. And if you ever quote Savage Garden again I’m filing for divorce.
• Climate control Don’t you dare touch that fucking thermostat! I am a delicate flower and you pee on trees. Adapt.
• Three day weekends Sailor Jerry, BBQ, hotel pools, the beach, and at least one titty bar. You’re my partner in crime, giddy up!
• One ply toilet paper Are you nuts? Take that shit back, I’m not wiping my ass with sandpaper just because it was on sale.
• Ed Hardy anything Over my dead body.
• Books > flowers Something to remember the next time you fuck up.
• Princess Don't ever fucking call me that.
• Existential potholes Don’t worry. I’ve got a spare tire in case your ego hits one too hard.
• FYI Life is not a highway that you ride all night long. Are you drunk or something? Give me the keys.
• When in doubt Shut the fuck up.
• Lighting the grill Okay, I get it. It’s your thing. You can be the one to do it.
• Our facebook relationship status It never meant a thing to either of us, and it never will.
• Your name is not my computer password, because not only is that easily guessable by hackers, it’s super lame.
• Tampons You’ll have to buy them for me on occasion, but I promise, you’ll never have to see the string.
• Throwing up You don’t have to hold my hair back or anything. Make yourself useful and get me a mint and a fresh drink.