hello,

five years and i still don’t know how to start these, haha

god - five years. that makes me feel terrible. half a decade has passed since i started writing these silly little love letters. i’ll officially no longer be a teen this year & i am terrified of it, because sometimes, as awful as a thought it is, somewhere in my brain i somehow got stuck on the idea that always thought that life just ends at 25. that at some arbitrary age in the nebulous space between becoming an adult and having a quarter-life crisis, you lose the child-like part of you that could find happiness in the smallest of things. you lose the love for the things that used to make you happy, and the rest of your life becomes an endless grind to make enough money so that you can spend your final years finding that love again.

i've gone through a lot of firsts this year. first time living on my own, taking care of myself, leaving my family behind. i changed my major 3 times and still haven’t figured it out. i got my driver’s license. i filed a tax return for the first time. i own things now, isn't that crazy? i have pillows and spoons and plants and a stupid little cat in my teacup sized apartment i've learned to call home. i hoard glass jars like my mother does. i save restaurant napkins like my grandmother. little pieces of other people, living in the things around me.

for so long i've felt like a careening car on the open road and this entire year has felt like waiting for the crash. but i'm learning to live in the present rather than obsessively look ahead to the future. i'm slowly realising that these mundane memories, little stepping stones on the way to adulthood, can be just as precious to me.

thank you, as always, for listening. i hope 2022 is good to you.

love, a