i really thought to myself that i had stopped smoking and i was getting better but things just got worse and i got worse and i got back to old habits On one hand i feel comfort, but occasionally it does fuck up my blood pressure, but thats my fault and i cant complain I dont know i dont wanna say exactly that i do kinda enjoy it when im on the brink of exhaustion, thats the sort of feeling i get It’s not a good thing to want, but i occasionally just wish i would collapse, collapse and fall in a deep sleep after i’ve overworked my body, it’s kind of like your own body telling you that you deserve to rest. Cause, i do deserve it, dont i I wouldnt mind if my body just one day gives in and decides to rest for me, that would mean i wouldnt have to keep trying so hard every day I’ll know my limits and how i can exceed them, this probably isn’t a right way to think though.