i didn't want to write this, but i needed to.

• i've been depresed/had anxiety issues scince at least 14, maybe even a little younger
• the doctor confirmed this about two years ago
• it's still there, may not be as bad, but it's still there
• on bad days i do think about death
• it scares me shitless, because on days like that death isn't that scary
• even on normal days i think about driving into trees or telegraph poles
• i feel increadibly guilty
• my life isn't bad
• i have a happy family
• i have nothing real to complain about
• when i'm unhappy i feel so fucking violent
• i want to hit my head against a wall until it breaks the skin
• i want to cut deeper
• i hate myself for not
• i hate myself for thinking it
• i can't talk about it
• who would believe me?
• and if they did, they wouldn't understand
• i don't want pity
• i want to be happy
• i don't want to scare people away
• i don't want to be crazy
• i might be
• it's like my evil twin, always there telling me how much i fail