• court
• courtney love
• cuddle bear
• dampé
• moonchild
• sister morphine

~ (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) ♫･*:.｡. .｡.:*･ (~◕‿◕)~ ☆*♡･ﾟﾟ･｡*☆ ❤‿❤ ♡‿♥

30/11/11

• I currently have a crush on a boy that I have known for almost ten years
• I used to always talk to him and obsess over him, even following him around at times, because I liked him so much
• one time he told me that he had a crush on me, but I think he was just being sarcastic
• a few months ago, I saw him again for the first time in years, and I felt the same way as I did back when I was a little girl
• I have dreamed about him at least three times ever since, and have thought about him even more
• much more, actually

1/12/11

• dear heart dear heart,
• (I didn't say a thing to you after all)
• you are my stardust: I will never hold you and I know I shall look back and wonder if you ever existed
• will you remember me?? even now, do you dwell upon my existence like i dwell upon yours?
• I feel like everything I've been writing lately makes me sound sort of...
• heartbroken

2/12/11

• he was in my dream again
• what happened?
• well
• he came to see me, I looked like absolute shit
• but he was being nice anyway and asked me if I wanted him to take me out, which I initially was a little reluctant about
• some other vague, trivial things happened; but my memory fails me...
• I went looking for him, and I ended up at some strange apartment place
• it didn't seem like a very good area
• then I found him, he was hiding
• I saw another man beat him up, and this made me feel so upset and afraid
• he was stealing from others, so that was getting him in trouble
• and he even gave me some of the money and bought me things, which got us in trouble some more
• we were being chased, and had to leave
• I remember his friends picking me up, and they were jokingly teasing me about being in love with him (and vice versa)
• they remembered what happened eight years ago...
• I really feel that I love him. genuinely. the feelings have remained for almost a decade. I've grown; a lot has changed. but my feelings haven't. what else could it possibly be? I just wish he would talk to me. not in my dreams. in reality. I've suffered heartache for too long now, and I can't bear it any longer.

3/12/11

• I only want what it is that doesn't come easy. this makes things difficult. the feeling is rarely mutual. if it is mutual, then I no longer care. I don't want him to submit to me. but I don't want to play games any more, either. so I sit here, completely out of ideas. people bore me after time. I need to change things around, otherwise the situation begins to bother me too much. this makes me feel guilty. I feel like a cruel person. to just leave people like that. and then to go on and moan when people do the same to me.
• I'm bruised all over with confusion and desire all due to heartache.
• I will never know what I want. I will never make up my mind.

4/12/11

• today I decided to seek out some old, personal memories. I was staring at two framed school photographs of me. one taken when I was about eight, I think, and the other when I was twelve. wow, I have changed so, so much. I can barely recognize myself. well anyway. I also found some old birthday cards hiding in one of the plastic boxes that I tend to keep a lot of posters, newspapers, etc. basically things that I collect but don't know what to do with as of yet. why would I put something so historical and precious in a box like that? sure, these aren't all of the birthday cards I've received, as I've lost a good lot of them now. but I'm glad that I still have some to hold onto. wow, some of these are from when I was a very small girl. and I have nothing else from that time to hold onto. only memories. and they aren't tangible. I don't want to forget. one of the cards was from my nana, who quite recently passed away. I got a little teary eyed when I came across this one. such lovely handwriting she had. and I never noticed until now. damn, I miss her.

5/12/11

• "she's so dull, come on rip her to shreds"

6/12/11

• I had a nice chat with my brother. kind of a rarity.
• went shopping and bought a pretty dress, new shoes, black cardigan... oh, and this other thing. hm, it's like some kind of corset vest, if that makes sense. difficult to describe. I rather like it, but I think I'll need a smaller size. also, I have no idea what I'd wear it with. maybe a white sleeveless shirt underneath. I'll need to think about this.

7/12/11

• I look at old photos of Marianne Faithfull and I am so, so envious. what a beauty. a natural one, too. such lovely blonde hair. nice fringe, nice colour, nice length. perfect. real cute face. and her voice takes my breath away... I wish I looked like her. oh, I really do.
• did I mention that I bruise so easily? seriously. everyday, new bruises of green, bronze and baby blue are appearing all over my little knees. hm.

8/12/11

• I napped today. twice. and guess what? I dreamed of him. both times. but these dreams are so vague... I just remember being with him. I miss him, I want him. but I won't let this get to me. I will not suffer. I also dreamed of my grandmother. how I wish I could see her again.

9/12/11

• why did I have to binge... can't resist the urge, ugh. I am so disappointed in myself. I wish I could be under 100 pounds.

10/12/11

• fuck, I feel so apathetic. I slept for hours and hours today. then I broke into tears in front of my family. miserable. but my mother wants to take me to my favourite restaurant tomorrow, for dinner. honestly, all I want to do right now is watch a movie that could make me feel incredibly nostalgic and childlike. Christmas in fourteen days. and another sleepless night, I predict.

11/12/11

• hmm. today was okay. but for whatever reason I just can't seem to remember a lot. interesting dreams about being at the beach with my dog and meeting a strange man.

12/12/11

• wow... I have no words. well, I do, but I'm having a hard time finding them. okay, I had the strangest dream, which is nothing new, but anyway. my dreams are so... surreal. they are painted by Salvador Dalí and directed by David Lynch.
• I dreamed that I met up with my old friends Jennifer and Farren, and we were attending a film festival.
• I also remember going to some huge beach party. It was like Soundwave, but at the beach. People that I used to know were there. Amy Winehouse was performing...? It was known that she had died, but somehow she was up there singing. I don't understand. Anyway, so many people missed her and began to cry. Lots of people.
• I remember being at the top of some huge clock tower with a few other girls, and we were stuck. I ended up escaping, but I don't know what happened to them. The place was falling apart, it was dangerous.
• I had an encounter with the boy I like. He was messing around with a football, and I think he almost threw it at me, by accident. So, in response, I got very upset and picked it up to throw back at him. Then he got upset, too. He walked off. Later on, he came back, and he just...sat next to me. I could hardly look at him. It felt so real, because I was experiencing anxiety. I licked my lips. Then I started touching his legs, I don't know why. We just stared at each other. It was so strange.

13/12/11

• today was good. really good. not sure why, I just enjoyed it. and I feel that it wasn't as flawed as my days usually are. I watched almost five movies, ha. and I tried Red Rooster's Spicy Bites, they were so good. I had many dreams. can't really remember them... oh well

14/12/11

• mmm. it almost happened today. but it didn't. and I fear it never will. do I have hope? I don't know. I guess. but I want him, now.

15/12/11

• had a series of dreams. all involving him. I'll tell you a little about them, as much as I can remember anyway.
• I completely blew my chances with him. he was drinking with this girl that I used to know, she was in my class in sixth grade.
• he fulfilled that urge of mine. but it was strange. he was...younger, even though he's actually older.
• I just want him so fucking badly. he's everywhere to me.

16/12/11

• today was er, average. started off well, then it all went kind of downhill from there. it got to a point where I kept napping and I was so disappointed with myself every time I woke up.
• er, I had a mental breakdown. it was like a depressive episode. it didn't last too long, but it was quite severe. I was contemplating suicide. certain memories came flooding back into my mind; besides, I had woken up from a series of bad dreams. I feel better now, I suppose. well a lot better actually. I'm so amused. what's wrong with me? so miserable, but then so manic.

17/12/11

• had some cider and I feel strange. dizzy. spaced out.

18/12/11

• I am so fucking bored with my life, goddamn it.
• the other day I won third prize for some competition I entered at the local library, cool I guess.

19/12/11

• sleeping has been just wondrous these past two days. my bed feels heavenly. strange dreams though.

20/12/11

• I had very, very strange dreams this time.
• first, I remember dreaming about certain movies. I was watching Nosferatu, but it was a 2003 remake of it. I found it so frightening, I felt like I was actually in the movie whilst watching it. later on, my mother came to talk to me. she told me that I had to go to jail; but not yet, when I was 18. it was so odd. nonetheless, I broke down into tears. she said that my uncles were actually my brothers. which didn't make a lot of sense to me. and all I could think of was my grandmother and how much I missed her.
• I saw these two people who I used to spy on all the time. a couple. it was a game. I had not seen them in such a long time. but then I saw someone else, it was a friend of mine who died in a car wreck last year. this upset me.
• I was...decent looking, I suppose. I could see all of the people I went to school with. this one girl, whom I will not name, but I will say that I disliked her greatly yet did not know her well...she was being rather, well, aggressive. a blonde-haired boy I was friends with, suddenly developed a crush on me. we sat next to each other. but then she got jealous and wanted to be closer to him. so we switched. later on, during a game of soccer, she had implied that she slept with him. she said it was "painful" and I told her that my first time was, too, despite never having a first time. a red-haired boy I had a crush on in sixth and seventh grade came up to me during this game. he was being very nice and talkative. then he began to talk about my brother and one of his friends.
• I was walking through the school building, just wandering around. I felt so confident for once in my life. maybe because people were so encouraging and supportive for a change. one of the girls I really disliked was there, and I insulted her once or twice. then, during the school assembly...the boy I currently like was there. he quickly caught my eye. I wanted to make a move this time. he was calling peoples names out, and we had to go up to him to pick up our award, or whatever it was. when he got to my name, he said it (even shouted a little) in such a delighted manner. so we went up to each other, in such a rush, and we both hesitated a little, but I decided to give him a hug. this drew a lot of attention. I think I was truly at my happiest. I could feel the happiness come through as I was dreaming, it felt so real. I just wish it was real.
• This is all changing my life into something better. I can feel it happening. I feel like I'm seven years old again.
• oh, oh, oh wait. just one more bit I can remember. I was wearing the exact same clothes I wore yesterday whilst moping around at home: my oversized Mick Jagger tee and blue shorts. I was stuck in a supermarket before it had even opened, early in the morning. yet other people were there. they were casually walking around. then the doors opened, and so I left. I didn't know what to do. it was quite far from my house. and I felt afraid to walk all the way, because I would be passing some areas that I would rather not walk through alone.
• wow, speaking of Mick Jagger, I think I even dreamed about him, although I can't remember this part so well.
• you know, I feel so glad. just thankful. I have lost all of this weight, about +25 pounds, and what did it take? very little. very, very little. I hardly exercised. I didn't exactly have a 'planned' diet. I just ate smaller portions. now let's hope that I never gain that weight back again. I have waited so long to lose weight. but I never tried up until November or December '10. and here I am, it's been a year since then. I have succeeded. it has been one of my main goals in life since I was about...eight, I guess. I always felt so self-conscious and just awful about my physical appearance. and I am not 100% loving myself right now, either, but I'm getting there. for years I was too scared to even wear shorts. I was scared what people would think of my thick thighs and my calves. I would never wear dresses or skirts. one time I did wear a skirt to the school disco in the fourth grade, and all of the boys made fun of me. that just truly reinforced the idea that I was fat. ugly. worthless. I never wore anything even remotely 'revealing' after that. well, besides from this year. I just feel so much better about myself this year.
• I remember when I was younger, my friend Sarah and I would always weigh ourselves. I never weighed myself right in front of her, and so this meant I could easily just lie about my weight. which I did. she always weighed less than I did. I envied her. I really did. though she was shorter than me, as I remember it. and I remember in grade two, we all had to weigh ourselves for some project. I think I weighed 31 kg. I don't know if that's overweight, but I was always a little bit on the chubby side. there were two girls who were over 40 kg, which is kind of close to my weight at the moment... well if I lose a bit more. wow, I'm close to the weight of an eight year old girl!

21/12/11

• I have all this junk food. but, am I going to eat it? maybe. either way, I've got self-control. I've got willpower.
• I went out to see the Christmas lights, something I do just about every year since I was a little girl, but it didn't turn out so well. we just had to leave it. okay so, my mother can't really lock her car unless she has her spare keys with her. which, she didn't. the reason she really has to lock her car is because the car key is stuck in the ignition. so, yeah. we just had to head home. I had gotten a little dressed up and even brought Misty with us, but ah well. Misty was so sulky in the car. and when I got out, she was going crazy. even though I had her on a lead, I was still so scared that she'd get away. so I'm kind of glad that the other thing happened and that we headed home.
• he was there. you know... him. ugh. I kept on trying to get his attention. I even changed into just a singlet and short shorts. I don't know if it worked or not. sigh. maybe he just finds me totally unattractive. which is understandable. I know I'm being unreasonable, but I feel so pathetic now. I feel cheap. desperate. ugly.
• just woke up.
• I dreamed about him. fuck. it's happening every night now. I got so close to him in my dream. I want him so badly. it's killing me. I can't get him off my mind.

22/12/11

• dreamed of him. again. wow... it just keeps happening.

23/12/11

• I want to die. I want to overdose. I just tried cutting my leg open but I couldn't do it deep enough. I just couldn't. it is so beautiful to see the blood gushing out, though. I want to die. kill me pills.
• laid in bed for hours. listening to Hole and The Manics. it was amazing, I was in such a dreamlike state. maybe from the pills I took. maybe from losing blood. it felt so good. I felt like something from the sky was gently lifting me up. oneirophrenia?

24/12/11

• he's talking to me. well, no, not him. but another boy. actually, a man. for he is older than me. T. the other is M. maybe I have him, I don't know.
• ...okay, well, never mind. I don't know what's going on with that.
• my cousin says she wants to change my life. for the better, I think. she plans on moving here, living with me. she wants me to get out more and enjoy myself. I find this rather strange considering I wished upon a star last night. coincidental, maybe?

25/12/11

• was Christmas today. well you probably already knew, if you looked at the date above. perfume, body wash, money. not much else. pretty average. especially without my grandmother... Sara Lee cakes were nice, I suppose. well alright. this is boring me already. you know, this. i can never stick to anything. can never finish anything. I'm just too erratic.

26/12/11

• hm. getting to know T more and more. I feel like such a flirt. a tease. a seductress... a temptress. when did I turn into this kind of person? a part of me feels like I've always been this way...
• I should start watching my weight again. goddamn it, I've had two of those Sara Lee cakes today, some chicken, three sausage rolls, an icy pole, and an energy drink. I weigh about 108 pounds right now. next year, I hope to lose maybe just eight more.
• I just realized that I have felt like my 13-year-old self all this time. through all these years. well it's been three years. but I still have all these memories engraved in my mind from my life as a 13-year-old. I wish they'd fuck off. for the most part, they aren't positive ones.
• bought a nice skirt off eBay. hopefully it arrives soon.
• watched two silent movies.

27/12/11

• at least two different guys have both told me that they, uh, "wank" over my pictures, so to speak. how should I feel about this...?
• I was just remembering an old dream of mine. I met this boy who was wearing a Death (band) shirt. it was a wonderful dream, it all felt so real. it felt like love at first sight. it's kind of strange now that I think of it, because I feel as though I have met this person just recently. well, not too recently. but anyway. I love dreams, especially when they're so passionate.
• well, I must admit, I can't tell if he (T) likes me or not. he acts so uninterested now. he won't start the conversation, ever. I have only been talking to him for about four days... but still. this is more difficult than I thought it would be. but I like a bit of difficulty every once and a while. I guess I'm in for the chase. well, maybe.
• I must remind myself to carefully control my portions starting from the first day of 2012, which, is only a few days away.

28/12/11

• today is not my day. fuck, I binged a little. to add to that, I also burnt the roof of my mouth quite badly while eating sausage rolls. and I cut myself shaving. ugh. I just want to sleep so nothing else happens to me.

29/12/11

• wow, probably the most interesting conversation I've had in a while with T. mostly about mental illness. it got me really upset. he doesn't care about me. he half-heartedly admitted it. he is the most apathetic boy I know. but, that's why he is so interesting.
• I dreamed of M. he took me out on a date, it was wonderful, and we went back to his place where I kissed him.
• T told me that he loves me...

30/12/11

• I want him. I want it. I want... I desire. I am so close to it. I want to feel and touch him. I want him to love me. And he does, but not just yet. I'm going. Yeah, I'm leaving. I guess I'll come back. But I don't know when. I want him. I'm a 16-year-old girl with no friends, I have nothing going for me, but this. So why not go for it? Give me a reason. I'm going to jump into it, without another thought. I must go. I need a passport and then I shall have everything I need. I may not have anywhere to live, but at least I'll have him. Yes, this is crazy, it is impulsive, but I want it. And I have nothing else to do with my life, so why not this?

31/12/11

• New Years Eve. Which, I did nothing for. Except going to the beach with my parents and my cavalier, Misty. It was actually quite fun. Especially seeing how she was like in the water.

01/01/12

• Happy New Year, I guess.
• T is an asshole, yet, at the same time, I don't care. He told me that I will amount to nothing but a whore. He lied to me this whole time. Well, whatever.
• I dreamed that I was sitting alone on a park bench in the city, and then B came up to me and hugged me. He took me to a public bathroom, and... yeah.

6/01/12

• White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor, black lace panties, peach boy shorts, fishnets...
• I love how Montgomery Clift's nickname for Taylor was "Bessie Mae"
• Obviously I went shopping today. I also had lunch, yeah, pasta as usual. I must of consumed over 1,000 calories... goddamn.
• I have noticed that I have very skinny legs, some people have even described them as anorexic, but my upper body is different. I dislike my stomach and my arms. So much fat at the top but not enough at the bottom. My body is strange.
• Also, I only like to leave my house at unconventional times.
• Dreamed that B was over and I walked out of my bedroom in lingerie. He started hitting on me and coming onto me, and I went for it, but then he started saying that I actually wasn't that good looking and that he changed his mind. I went fucking bizarre at that point. M was there too, but it was a lot better with him.
• I want Chanel No. 5, damn it.

7/1/12

• Foreigners love my accent for some reason.

8/1/12

• Just had my first cigarette, ever. Tasted like coffee. I didn't even know how to light it properly, how to smoke it, or how to hold it. Silly.

10/1/12

• So manic right now. So dangerously manic. I can't explain this feeling. I would probably jump off an airplane given the chance. So many ideas. So many opportunities. All of which I'd hate to miss out on. I feel like actually doing something. Doing something!
• For reasons that are too personal to explain, I need to be deflowered. And now. It has nothing to do with sex.
• There is so much in it for me. I couldn't possibly feel used. Besides, if he turns out to be a jerk, which is entirely possible, then I can just ignore him and his negativity and instead, enjoy myself. Experience something, but without him.
• My weight is constantly dropping and rising. But I'd say at average it's about 50 kg (110 pounds) which is okay with me, I think. Half a year ago, around July/August, I remember my weight being at 55 kg. I guess it takes me half a year to lose 5 kgs...
• I want to do so many things.
• I want to be a 1930's Ziegfeld girl. I want to be a 1940's tap dancer, like Rita Hayworth. I want to be Bettie Page, the fetish model, the bondage girl. I want to be a pin-up girl. I want to be heroin chic, kinderwhore, Courtney Love. I just want to be something. I want to be flexible and athletic. A gymnast, a dancer, a swimmer... Esther Williams. All of these things, will I ever become any of them?

12/1/12

• I want us to be equal. I want you to suffer what I suffer. I want you to feel how I feel. I want you to ache like I ache.
• Just read Bataille's Story of the Eye. Not sure what to think of it... a surreal masterpiece, or absolute trash. Hmm.

16/1/12

• I am now a few centimeters taller. 171cm, a few months ago I was around 168-169.

25/1/12

• Oh, so he has a girlfriend. The boy that I've loved for so long, though he is much older than I. Whatever.
• I wish I was one of the Lisbon girls.
• I want blonde hair like Abbey Lee Kershaw.

26/1/12

• Never mind. He saw me in my fucking underwear. Well, a singlet and panties. And it's been what, two years? Damn it.

3/2/12

• Mmm... mini marshmallows, Hersheys chocolate + cookies and cream bars, 2 protein bars, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Reese's Sticks, rice whipped cream, chocolate coated pretzels

4/2/12

• Dear B,
• When?
• Yours, Courtney

11/3/12

• A few weeks ago my doctor told me that my being underweight was quite obvious. I was complaining about how I thought I was fat...
• Went to Sydney on Friday, just for the night.
• Man told me that I was "as skinny as a rail".
• "Light My Fire" was playing in the food court, resulting in a smile on my face.
• Had a small encounter with a girl with dyed red hair who worked in a lingerie and jewellery store. She was so gorgeous and kind.
• Some other things...