these personal musings date back to August of 2008, copied from one of my old blogs

23/08/08

• I change so much through the years. Probably through the months actually, or the weeks. Or even the days. Day by day, I slowly, gradually change, and then before you know it, I'm this whole new person.
• But even though, my music changes, my image changes, my friends change, my thoughts change, you get the point, one thing stays the same; I'm still a bad person. Well I don't know if you'd disagree on that or not. But deep down I am, there's always at least one person that I treat wrongly, and there's always that kind of knowing that I am somewhat evil. I guess that's normal for everyone, but then I look at some people and they're like complete angels to everyone they've ever known, even their rivals. I just wish I could be like that one day, so then I wouldn't have to face all the problems and conflict that runs around to this day. Hm. I really don't know. Either way, I'm always going to have to release my anger out on someone or something. There's always a handful of people who annoy the living hell out of me and take the piss out of me, but I don't know if I should just stand there and take it, or fight back. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I do have a point.
• I just wish I could live happily, with no issues, I just want to be loved by everyone but that's such an impossible thing to consider, for not only me but for anyone really. I know there's always going to be something to top off my day and something is always going to turn bad. It's karma. It's life. Without all the tiny problems in life, well, I don't even have a clue what life would be like. But I know it would be pretty damn boring. God, I don't know. I confuse myself when I have a thousand thoughts racing through my mind like this, it's all so fuzzy and unclear. I guess people would probably think I would be the last person to say something like this, because I haven't grown up properly and I'm still taking pretty much 99% of things as a joke, but I do have a side like this... I do have a serious side. I do get like this but I guess I choose not to show this side.

24/08/08

• So basically, I'm thirteen years of age. I was born on the 24th of June, you can figure out the year. I'm not going to tell you to remember my birthday, because nobody does. I'm in seventh grade, attending a school located in South Australia, yeah, a real hole. Well maybe it isn't, maybe it's just me and the way I get on with people, if I opened up easier and was more outgoing then I'd probably think different. Who knows? Yeah. And so I really hate school at the moment, as you've probably already worked out... the people, the teachers, the work... I hate it all. I really hate school with a passion and I skip it as much as I can to express my hatred towards it... nah, not really, but lately I haven't really been going to school to tell you the truth. But anyway, I have a vision of a future life of success (hopefully?) so therefore right now my main goal involving school is to build an education. But although rarely do I use my full potential, I still manage to succeed.
• I hate most people these days, there is only a handful of people I really do adore and look up to! I guess I could say I hate everyone of the general population. I honestly hate when people copy me and my ideas, but I've learnt that they only do it because they appreciate me and desire to be like me. I do admit I sometimes copy other people too though so let's not get started! I smile and laugh really easily, trust me, I will laugh at anything and mostly because while you're speaking I'll picture you doing something ridiculously immature in my mind... most people think I'm retarded, but just for the record, I'm not. I usually don't take things personally or to heart, so if you're aiming to upset me then I can guarantee that you probably won't succeed. But, I can tell you one thing, if I really do like you as a person, then you could easily make me feel like shit if you tried. I have started from scratch and I used to be sensitive as fuck, now I'm probably five times as mentally stable as you are, my skin has thickened. You probably do have double the amount of friends I do, I have lost a large majority of people lately but I really do love the small amount of people I keep close to me! You can't trust anyone these days, but there are some people I trust more than myself. Yes, I get criticised and abused a lot, I have been through it all at a really young age, but it doesn't affect me anymore. I'm glad everyone has called me things such as "emo," "stupid," "ugly," "bitchy," friendless" you know the rest, because it has all taught me so much and if I didn't learn how to deal with all of the criticism I would probably be attempting to kill myself today. I've learnt to just sit back and not take it seriously, they want to get you down, that's their goal, that's what they want! So don't fucking give it to them, just laugh at how ridiculous they look. But yeah, I tend to not worry about all of that anymore, it's out of the picture, karma's got it covered baby.
• Just for the record, I'm straight. A whole lot of people seem to get that muddled up, I don't even know why. I love cuddles and holding hands with both genders, but I don't see girls in the same way I see boys! I'm also single, I much prefer it this way too, not because I'm the worlds biggest slut and I love to get around but because I'm thirteen for fucks sake, what is that little purpose in having a partner that everyone seems to love? Waste a few weeks, maybe even a few months, of my teenage life, falling deeply and strongly in love or whatever the hell you want to call it these days, and then breaking up and having to go through three months of pain, torment, and buckets of tears. Yeah, not my cup of tea, I've never seemed to roll that way. If the guy was a-fucking-mazing then maybe I could consider giving it a go, but I wouldn't rush into things and start with the "I love you" and "you're my everything" comments after just two days of a relationship, that's fucking whack. Yeah, and so I'm pretty sure I learnt my lesson of "falling" a while back and it probably has changed my outlook on relationships and love in general. But I'm just not up for anything like that anymore, at this age I shouldn't even know a thing about it. I have finally worked myself into being stable and content again, I'm not going to get some knob to tell me he loves me then 'break' my heart, because it's all fake and ridiculous.
• I have a really shy personality, I don't open up easily or quickly, and if I do then you must be pretty damn amazing. I was born with this personality and it wasn't something that came from 'change' or anything, I've always had it. I don't act this way because I'm 'emo' or any of that shit, it comes naturally! But I must admit I have lost a whole lot of confidence and interest in things in general lately. I can be rather shallow, I'm really sorry. But I guess I haven't matured properly yet, I just see people with nicer looks as fun people, I have no idea.... I have an opinion on everything, but I will only rarely voice my opinions and thoughts. If I do, then good job, you've got me going. Normally, I am extremely generous, and when I'm being negative I'm either kidding or because hey, I'm human therefore I can only be the sweet little girl when I'm in the right mood. But then again, don't take me seriously if I'm being a bitch. I'm only being like that for a reason. My personality is very complicated, I never know what I want, mainly because I can't have it.
• Most people totally misjudge me. A lot of people think of me as someone really miserable that never talks, I could say the second one is true but if we become friends then I can tell you I will probably never stop talking! Get to know me properly and you'll find I am the complete opposite of what you expected, honestly. I feel more confident and outgoing when I'm with friends or in groups, and when I'm in a really good mood. Sometimes I do crazy things, never let down a dare, it will just depend on my mood. I'm a serious scum bag, I spill pretty much everything I eat on me! And I pretty much knock down every drink by accident.
• I sleep way too much without meaning to, I hate it but at the same time I love it, sleeping is fucking good. But I hate wasting the day away! I love big hand bags, but I'm not fashionable, if that makes sense? I love a whole lot of designer clothes and shit, but I wouldn't wear them. I love writing and reading! It's fucking great. I know, I know, reading is nerdy and boring to most people, but try and find a great book and I can assure you it'll put you in the mood! I also love art and photography, yes, I realize that photography is like the number one hobby today and that especially goes for the scene idiots, but it's amazing, I love the feeling that comes. Oh and I'm pretty much addicted to caffeine, it's part of my daily life. Yeah I could live off of it. Coffee is also fucking addictive, I'd love to work in a coffee store. I also love Boost Juice.
• Like most people, I've had my fair share of fucking over, but I've also had enough of being fucked over. I do stupid things, say stupid things and make stupid things. I often hurt people without noticing, sorry! It sucks, but I repeat: I'm only human, do not take any of it to heart, thanks. And if I happen to piss you off, then just speak up and tell me. I'm not going to get upset.
• Although I try my hardest not to be your typical teenage girl, I can't hide it. Money, music, friends, clothes, I can't help myself. But my life doesn't just revolve around all of that. I do admit I could consider some of those things as big parts of my life. But people realize in the end that none of that shit matters, the price of the hot designer dress you got, how cute your boyfriend is, it all gets you down in the end, to how you are as a person. But it's life, and I'm not going to stop yet.
• Something that frustrates me is the little fucks that make judgements on my life decisions, especially when they have no understanding of my thoughts or decisions and generally don't know me at all. It's even worse how they can only express the way they feel through a fucking computer screen. You need to remove yourself from your computer chair and get out there. I do have a lack of confidence, but if I want to take somebody for granted I will tell them straight to their face. Please train yourself to share your opinions face to fucking face, anyone can type the word "whore" or "bitch" with a hidden identity, but it proves nothing. You're going to need to prepare yourself for the big, bad world someday, because the outside world is about as cruel as it gets. I can't wait until the day somebody comes up with a Myspace code revealing the hidden identities of these laughable idiots in those stupid truth boxes, the stupidity of these people never fails to amuse me, but it'll put an end to all anonymity.
• My life belongs to me, it's pretty straight-forward to come to realize this so please don't think you own my life or something! Nobody has the right to interfere with my life, sure you're going to make accusations and such, yes we have all heard it before, but you can't take control of any part of my life. Of course I'm some junkie slut with no real personality who happens to hate every fucking person and is actually a lesbian, oh yeah buddy, real true. Yeah so the story goes on and on and eventually it doesn't even come to an ending, but at the same time, the volume of my laughter just increases. Say what you want, I'd love you to. Because the rumours and the bullshit just make me more tolerant and stronger as a person. I love it. If you want to do well in life and you want people to like you, you have to like yourself, it's the same with respect! You cannot expect anyone to treat you with respect when you're treating them like dirt, it doesn't work like that, it never has, and unfortunately it never will! Anyway, I'm happy, at least that's what I think, and I like who I am and who I'm becoming, my life is good enough that I don't need to complain and this is all that matters.
• So when it comes down to it, you either like me or you don't. My life is utterly insane and it can be really unfortunate, sometimes I will even wish to trade lives with someone, but in the end I know I'm wrong. At the end of the day, I do make mistakes and I will do the wrong thing at times, I will make a whole lot of wrong turns, but everything turns out so, so good!

29/08/08

• Today has been such a long day. Me, K, and B, have been running around so much today, seriously. It was a pretty good day, though. I love going out when it's pitch black and half of the shops are shut, it was strangely fun running around the shopping mall with B trying to find pay phones! We were trying to find somewhere to get ourselves a drink too, so we tried to get one from Subway. It was closed, but there were drink machines around the front area, except the stuff wasn't coming out of the machines! I guess they turned them off... so yeah, that didn't work, so we just got a big bottle of LA Ice Cola from Woolworths instead. Everybody seemed to give us stares as if we were two crazy idiots, sprinting through the shopping mall with pretty much no one there and no shops open. I didn't really care about myself whatsoever for some reason, my hair was messed up and my make-up was blotchy and ugly. Yeah, it was an awesome day though.
• I feel weird. My feet hurt so much, and I'm tired as hell. I can never tell if I'm happy or sad these days. I can't be stuffed blogging, because my brains pretty stupid right now, I can't think straight because I'm really tired and sore.

20/09/08

• Why do people claim they don't give a shit what people think when really they spend hours and hours of their time browsing through and/or purchasing clothes, and other, similar things to upgrade their image? Why do we say that the judgement(s) that others make doesn't matter but really we actually bother to accessorize and straighten our hair each day? Clearly, we are trying to impress another. We wouldn't cake on all that make-up and spend up to one hundred dollars on shoes if our image didn't concern the people around us. But it does. So I really don't understand why people keep pretending and pretending that the thoughts and words that come out of people's mouths do not make an impact on them. I know I don't rock up somewhere with my hair frizzy and dead, because to say that I do not care at all is not honesty in the slightest! And I don't know if this kind of thinking is right or wrong, but I know lying about it isn't going to help. This doesn't mean that I'm going to cry and slit my little wrists when someone makes a negative statement concerning the way I have my hair or the clothes that I wear, because I know not to take it to heart. But I actually do take a little pride in my appearance, I'm guessing everyone else does though, in some way at least. I'm not saying that we should all throw out our hair products, expensive clothing and all the other stuff we use to benefit our appearance, because that would probably throw modelling and fashion as a whole in the trash can. I'm just saying that we shouldn't lie about what matters to us. We have a cry because our boyfriend has broken up with us, but we still claim that we don't care of others thoughts, words and actions. One word, bullshit!
• I can admit that there has been a stage where I would say that the opinion of others didn't bother me, and I don't really know what crossed my mind back then. I don't know if I was lying or if I simply didn't really come to think of it in a deep and truthful manner. But now I know that it does bother me, maybe not exactly entirely, but there's a little chord that this bothersome tends to strike anyway. And I can't hide that chord.
• Who knows the purpose of this blog, or post. Who knows where I'm going with it. I, for one, do not. But seriously, come on. If no one cared about other people's opinions, most of us would probably be the happiest people alive. Because most of the problems in the world seem to involve the abuse that us humans create. To the people who actually have the guts to admit that they give a shit what people say and think, congratulations. You're an honest and upfront person, the world needs more people like you. Maybe there are some people who truly deep down don't give a shit what other people think, but they probably rely on the existence of Photoshop or hair straighteners, I don't know. Because no one is going to walk out of the house with their hair and make-up done for nothing, they just care too much about other people's views. But that's okay, because it's completely normal. Yeah, I'm flawed and I have many, many faults. I strive a little to improve my image, but I also know at the same time that there is a lot more to a person that their physical appearance. To the people who take the piss out of my flaws, well done. I'm sure you have just as many flaws that I do, or possibly more. But tears aren't going to appear on my face if you throw one little insult at me, the things that people say and think can make an impact on me, but honestly. Thank you for trying though.

21/09/08

• I feel like shit.
• I always have these days, so often. I just have one thought which gets me down, and it sets everything off. I don't really feel like speaking of the thought, but it made me feel fucking miserable. It brought back a shit load of memories too.
• Oh, and also the fact that my mother is making me go to school for the next three days. Fuck, I do not want to be there one bit! It's probably the last place ever that I'd want to rock up at, well there's probably many more shit places but y'get the point. Honestly, it just makes me feel like crap thinking about the damn place. On Thursday during lunch hours, I basically got ditched and avoided so I pretended that I was searching for J but I actually went to the library to wait until lunch was over. Because for one thing, I didn't have a clue where J was. And secondly, I just wanted everything to end. It was awkward as fuck, walking around in the library just staring at shit for ages and going through random books, and I was aware of a group of people in my grade constantly staring at me, which just made matters worse...
• I love my parents, but they don't know what I go through at school, so I'd love if they'd forbid me from going there. It would be great. I mean, I love learning and education in general etc. you know the deal, but fuck, when it's my school you're talking, it's like torture. I just don't know why girls have to do the shit they do, you know, I don't really have to explain or list the things they do because most people already know since it's so common.
• If you hate me for whatever reason, please, notify me. Give me your reasons or lack of, as to why you dislike me so much. I'm sure it's nothing. What, I don't know, because I have little friends? The only reason I have a small amount of friends is because I don't open up easily which certainly benefits me because it decreases the risk of getting fucked over. But whatever... I think the friends I have right now are fucking sweethearts, seriously. Because considering that I don't speak to people very often (before I know them), it's just great because it makes me realize that they took the time to get to know me and they sent me the ability to open up to them. That probably sounds stupid, but I really don't know how to put it.
• Back to the topic on school, K is going to Bali so she won't be at school this week. Even though there's a tad bit of conflict between us at this stage, I still kind of need her. She tends to avoid me at times (well she can make it seem like so) but I have no one else to turn to. It's just different at school without her, because she's the person I'm with for most of the time.

01/10/08

• I don't know how to word, write or explain this. But for one, I feel like pure shit. Unsurprisingly though, I fucking seem to feel this way 80% of the time these days. The 20% is just when I refuse to put up with crap and I can leave all my problems behind and laugh it all off, but I can't just change to that state of mind when I want to. You probably have no idea what I'm going on about or where I'm going with this, but eh. I know this will all be over one day, but that is one fucking day! And it's going to be a very long time for that day to come. I don't want to skip a few years of my life just to get rid of all of this either. I feel so many things right now. I feel stupid, manipulated, used, replaced... this is unbelievable. I know I can't find the right lines or words to describe and explain this but I tend to write my feelings down so I can get them out of the way when I'm in a mood like this.
• I really don't know nor understand what I did to her, I know I haven't always been the best friend ever but it's not like she's been any better either. I just wish I could patch things up with her, I haven't gained the chance to do this yet but I'll try my best to do so when I can finally get a chance. I know there is a little bit of faith somewhere along the line. But fuck I just want to stop feeling like this. I'm sick of anxiety, nerves, etc. all of that shit! I just want it to stop and to be happy for now and ever. I really need to be alone right now, as I am, but I would also love if someone would accompany me for once. There is no one who could do that though, no one I would really want to that is. I wish I was content, and I wish I could stay that way. I know life has its bumpy roads, but in my life there isn't really many parts that aren't bumpy. There are no flat roads! I just want it all to fucking end, my God you have no idea how glad I would be. Stop talking down to me, if you have a problem with me then it's clearly an unreasonable one because I haven't done anything to any of you, so find your own way to deal with it because I am sick of people manipulating me all the fucking time. I would apologize for the bitch I've been, but I don't know what I've said or done that have made me appear to be such a bitch. Honestly, if you have a problem with me then you should inform me, because I'm not going to start an argument, I think the argument limit has gone overboard and I'm one hundred percent sick of it all. I would love to sort it out with you, face to face. I honestly really fucking miss how things were about one year ago today, I didn't really have any problems with anyone. I wish I could go back to about May this year and somehow avoid people taking my best friend away from me. I just don't understand how things became so awful this year. I hate change. I hate drama. I hate down talking. Change is interesting, but when it's for the bad, I really cannot stand it. I wish I could finally maintain my life somehow, and I wish I could just sit down and have a coffee with people that actually deserve to be categorized under the label of a "friend." I would love it if all these problems in my life just vanished and forever remained nonexistent. Oh I would. I wish that I didn't have to fake a smile and that it would just come naturally due to happiness. I probably do seem like a massive emo because I complain a lot and I come across as very thin skinned, but eh, this is just how I am. Kind of how I've been from day one. I just can't wait until the day that everything falls into place, and I really do hope for that day to come some time soon.
• Well, I know that high school is apparently a disaster and things get ten times worse than they were in primary school. And I don't want to wait until I'm eighteen for my problems to become invisible. I think high school is going to have a whole lot of bad areas, but there will be change hopefully and I'll find a way to cope with all of the stuff that's going to happen. Anyway, I hope that people could learn to become a whole lot more considerate of the feelings of the people around them. No matter who it is, I don't care if it's one of the popular kids or the so-called rejects, because we all have feelings, no matter what gender, what age, what social group, no matter how much strength we have, we all have a sensitive spot. I know a whole lot of people haven't found the emotions or experienced the phases that I have, thus they don't know what it's like to feel like pure fucking shit. And I know that if you did have these kind of feelings then you would honestly feel downright horrible. Open your eyes. You are crushing somebody's self-esteem, ridding them of their fucking confidence. It feels great for you, but do you think the victim is feeling great? No. I have been writing for a while now, but writing is really the only way known of escaping this feeling.
• I know that there will be a day when all of this will come to an end. But I can't just keep on waiting. I need change, for the good.

04/10/08

• I'm not in the best mood tonight, or this this morning, I should say. So I feel it is vital to blog about what's been going on.
• Yeah, I've come to finally realize that there isn't much purpose in attending school this upcoming term, but it's not like it's optional to be absent or not. I feel that there is not one person out there who wants anything to do with me whatsoever, so... eh. I don't really think people understand how crappy they make me feel. If that was what they were aiming for then they've really succeeded. I just wish there was something honourable that I could do, that would bring me the good side of karma. I don't exactly have anybody to spill all this to and I'm sick of keeping everything bottled up, having trust issues is certainly not a good thing. But I don't like the whole 'let's tell somebody one thing and it'll go through another ear, then another, and so on' deal either, so I'm glad I don't go around telling a large amount of people about my problems. I guess there isn't always a person who's going to be by your side in the long run, after all no one is perfect enough to give you what you want to hear all the time. No one has any idea how much I miss my old life, oh how I would really love to be a little kid again.
• I'm sick of everything. I know it's only nine weeks, but it must be nine weeks of hell because it's causing a shit load of stress, and I can't seem to get my mind off any of it. The phrase "you don't know what you got until it's gone" is very true. I never appreciated my best friend enough until now, and now it's possible and highly likely that I have lost her. I don't know for sure... but I hope to God not. I want to win her back, I don't want two years of friendship to slip down the drain. Eh, I wonder what I even did to lose her, do I really deserve this? I just hope this isn't as terrible as I think it is.
• Mm. I think I like someone, I don't know for sure though. No one knows about it right now. They give me the same feeling as a certain someone used to... well, he kind of still gives me the feeling, I don't know. But it's complicated shit. It's hard to tell, when you haven't seen this person properly for months. I don't know if I want a relationship, especially considering the stuff at school going on at the moment. I wouldn't ask for one with him right now, I don't know if I ever would.
• Anyway, I think I feel a tad better after venting my problems.

20/10/08

• I haven't wrote in a while.
• Um, so there is less than eight weeks of school left for me. It's weird, because a few months ago everything was perfectly normal and I always thought seventh grade would be difficult, but when school began this year, I was okay with it. Then, towards the ending of this year, things went down a rough road. I'm learning how to deal with it on my own though, I think I need to reduce my complaints. I get way too anxious about all this shit going on. I just need the bunch of things that brighten my day, and I'm fine. Give me my iPod fully charged, a couple of my favourite movies and something interesting to read, then I'll be settled for the rest of the day. I can make myself feel better, I don't always need someone to accompany me or cheer me up. Most of the time, I'm better off alone. It's pretty dumb how the seventh graders from last year didn't have to do half of the shit we have to do this year. No stupid dance, no stupid concert (well it was more optional last year), no stupid camp. That's probably a disadvantage to them, but as for me, I'm not open or confident enough to do the things we are forced to do this year. I'm not learning from this, nor is it satisfying me. So why do I have to be a part of it...? I've never been into dancing, I've never had talent in it either. So I don't see why I have to be included. You're not educating me in any way at all.
• Tonight is going way too fast, it sucks. When I get home from school, my day seems to speed up. But then when at school, everything seems to be slow as fuck, just the way I really don't want it to be... oh God, I'm complaining again, aren't I? I better shut the fuck up now.
• I really need a plan to escape tommorow's dance. I refuse to wear a fucking dress for anyone, or pull my fringe back. I have zero confidence and I've a low self esteem, and for starters, I don't like my hair entirely out of my face, or wearing things that show off half of my body. I cannot believe that I'm being forced into this kind of crap.
• I really don't know what to write now... without looking like an idiot, that is. I'm going to have the shower I was planning on having a couple of hours back, sadly time went by fast as hell so now I'm stuck at 9pm and I will wake up late tomorrow because I'm going to have one of my long ass annoying showers and watch a movie or two. Oh well. I'm out.

21/10/08

• Today was great. Just great. I did the one thing that I could of sworn I was dying to escape from. And it was all okay. I don't know why the fuck I'm scared shitless of stupid things. But I'm pretty proud that I committed this act. Friday night hereeee I come! You have no fucking idea how accomplished I feel, what an achievement...

25/10/08

• Okay so, things have been pretty average for me. Sometimes great, sometimes a little bit on the negative side. I'm trying so hard to keep my head up, not like it's hard to do. I just dwell on the disadvantages too much, and I begin to over think about the things that could possibly happen. I just wonder and wonder about what can and cannot happen. I honestly despise K, fuck, I don't even have one reason to like her anymore. She's a cold hearted little shit, I don't know how you could be best friends with someone for up to almost two years and then just ditch them on a sidewalk leaving them miserable. I wouldn't even do that to someone like K, because I know how it feels and I know how wrong it is.
• I just really don't want to make another silly mistake or another wrong turn, and I know, we learn from our mistakes and it leads us to where we're meant to be, blah blah blah, yeah I get it, but I don't want to have to go through the stupid process of it all. I'm not known for my patience, you know. I don't have something to keep me occupied during the long wait. Overall, I'm pretty content now. I've figured out what keeps me satisfied and keeps my mind off of it all, and it's working. Even though I'd love to make peace with everyone, one day, I'd still love the chance to make K's life a living hell. And I know I'm going to do that, I believe in karma and that shit, but honestly, K deserves it. And hey, this will be her karma, her life will be a wreck like the stupid bitch she is.

30/10/08

• I've noticed that some people tend to disrespect themselves too often. Everyone should take great pride in who they are and how far they've come! Stop degrading yourselves, please. I'm not saying you should have your head up your ass and act like you're better than everyone else, because I'm definitely not trying to promote that. I'm saying that you should try to build your self-esteem up a little. We have our families, our partners, our best friends, and all of that, but there will be some stages where you feel as though you really don't have anyone to turn to anymore. At least, you think you don't, even if you still do. Sometimes we need to be individuals and walk alone for once, we can't always have people to accompany us, because sometimes working with other people simply isn't going to work out. People should start being more loyal and true to themselves, do not hate yourself or put yourself down, you should love yourself. Because it's not wrong, and it may not exactly be right either, but it's definitely no way near as bad as hating yourself. It doesn't make you stuck up and it doesn't mean you put yourself in front of everyone else. It just means you are proud of yourself. And in my opinion, in the end it really is the right thing to me.

01/11/08

• It's almost 2am, and I'm in a great mood tonight. Blocking out the minor problems around me, there is nothing major to stress over and everything is going just great.
• I'm starting to appreciate the great things that life has to offer, and I've been dwelling on my past, present and future. I honestly love people who are out there having the time of their lives, because as cliché as it sounds, nobody knows when their life is going to end so we honestly should at least try and make the effort to live everyday as if it is our last. I really despise how a lot of peoples idea of having fun is to run on alcohol and drugs, but this doesn't mean I'm going to hate you if your an alcoholic or anything, because I'm friends with a few people who drink booze illegally. I don't hate them, I just hate the way they live. This isn't everyone, though. There are a handful of people who don't live their lives like that, and they have my respect. When it comes to having fun and enjoying myself, I don't need alcohol or drugs. Sometimes having fun for me doesn't even consist of going out. I actually find it a lot easier to stay home, it doesn't bore me and normally I prefer not to go out. So many things amaze me that I can still do while I'm spending the day at home. Reading, writing, drawing, taking photos, video games. If it were up to me, I would probably never set foot out of my house again. Maybe not, but at the moment I'm enjoying my life at home. I also don't need company either, I know I'm probably antisocial but I really love my life the way it is.
• I miss C. And S. I've had so many memories with both of them! If you go back in time to roughly four years ago, I literally spent just about every day of my life with S. There's also someone else I miss, and even though I see them everyday minus the weekend, I miss the person they used to be. I really can't stand the person she's becoming. J, I've known her for about a decade, maybe longer actually, who knows? Again, I couldn't be fucked to go into detail or give a full explanation.
• I'm off to bed, or something. Movie probably.

02/11/08

• I didn't think I'd feel like crap tonight. It was weird though because when i woke up at seven in the morning, I felt miserable. It wasn't really for long, but anyway. Usually when I feel sad, later on it turns around and I'm really happy. But it hasn't really changed today. At least, it's changed back.
• It's complicated. And trust me, when I say that, I mean it. I mean every letter of it. I have no idea. In general, I really don't have any idea; about everything. It's hard to write, because I don't want to look like an absolute idiot. But at the same time, I'm semi-not caring if I look like one or not. I just want to do something to make me positive and happy again. Really, I don't care if I go to bed late. Because I don't want to wake up in this mood. I want something to change it. Gr... school tomorrow.
• This is fucked. Yeah I'm really happy, then I'm a mess, e.g. right now... there's six more weeks of school, and under twenty nine more days of it.

29/11/08

• Haven't written for about a month, been through a fair bit in the past few weeks. Hm, let's see, where am I going to begin... ah, okay.
• Enough with the K shit, I am not going to fucking bother with her again. Second chances, forgiveness, fuck it. Whether she changes or not, for the good or the bad, there is no possibility that I am going to even set foot near her again, unless I'm physically abusing her or something along the lines. She is disrespectful and she does not deserve anything she has gained to this day, and she will never have me again. Roughly two years of friendship, and it was all on behalf of getting money from me. I am sick of whining here like a sensitive idiot, but honestly, she is fucked. It upsets me that I wasted so much time on her, I could've used my time more wisely instead of bending over backwards for her and letting her walk over me like a goddamn doormat. Overall, I am not going to forgive her, ever, it's not the tea in my cup. Nothing can change that, I may change, things may change, but no I will not bother with her.
• I can't be fucked writing about the insane shit I've been doing for the past few weeks, but hey let's just say even though my life is semi-messed right now, I'm alright. No, I'm not alright, I'm so much better than that. I'm actually really happy. Enough with self-mutilating myself and trying to escape from everything, I am finally back on my own two feet. And if K wants anything from me, then it will have to be my fucking fist in her face because that is all she is going to get.
• I'm going to go watch some Harry Potter movies... peace.

26/08/09

• I haven't posted in this blog for almost a year and I'm nothing like I was when I actually used this, so here goes...
• General gist of me: my name is Courtney, but Court will do. I'm a 14-year-old old and I enjoy my life even if it has its downside. I like coffee, family, video games and Kyle XY. I rarely ever leave my house and you would probably consider me to be "antisocial" but I don't think I would have it any other way. I'm terrible at making conversation but I love having those deep and meaningful chats, although I'm really not the best at opening up to people. My average day will consist of reading, writing, television, games, and drawing; call me a nerd and you're probably right. I like to vent and complain, it seems to make everything better. I tend to dye my hair a lot and I really wish I was a natural blonde. I don't listen to a certain genre of music, I listen to whatever interests me. I'm deathly afraid of spiders, vomit(ing) and needles. I seem to lack self-confidence in some areas but I'm working on that. Given the chance, I would love to relive my whole childhood again, I really do miss the simplicity of how things were... so that's all, I could write more but I honestly don't know myself enough to have anything else to say.

27/08/09

• I feel so sore today, my right eye is strained and it feels as though I've been punched in the face. Yeah and I would know how that feels... I feel so tired and my body is so motionless, maybe it's because its almost 1am but who knows? I'm so tired, I need some rest but I don't feel like sleeping yet, I want to stay on here longer. I could literally fall asleep right here, even in much discomfort. My brain isn't functioning very well right now so I'm lost for words and I have no idea what to write about...
• I need some new music to download, I've found a few good songs in the past few days but once I have them on repeat for 50+ times I get sick of them. I don't know how to find good music... I think independent music is in my best interest nowadays.
• I love to write, I don't care if I'm not good at it, it's just something i enjoy doing... I like to write about myself, my life, what I'm doing, my interests, anything that ventures the mind really.
• So right now, I'm lying in bed with my laptop on me, talking to J'aime, my eyes are beginning to shut because I'm getting really tired... I have no idea when I'm going to go to bed. I have to get up at around 11 in the morning so I don't know why I'm still up. I've been watching Kyle XY for most of today, I finished watching series 2, yay! But series 3 hasn't been released on DVD yet so I can't watch that yet. They shouldn't have even cancelled the show, in all honesty it's probably been one of the greatest TV shows I've ever watched. The storyline is so surreal, but it seems so realistic at the same time, it's so dramatic but it's not The Hills kind of drama I'm talking...
• If we're upset with someone, can't we just man up and tell them? Instead of bottling it up and confusing them... it just annoys me when people act differently when talking to me, as if somethings wrong but they don't mention anything about it. When I'm upset with someone I either tell them straight up or if it's really bad, I tend to ignore/avoid them. I know that's not right but sometimes I just have to block people out. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood for talking. So that's why I choose to ignore people at certain times.
• I'm playing games on Neopets (yeah I'm a loser) and talking to one of my, well, "close" friends. But the conversation isn't going anywhere, I don't know what's up. Time's flown really quickly tonight, I watched a new episode of Kyle XY, it always makes my day. I haven't even eaten proper dinner and it's 10pm, but I'm making some gnocchi so I guess that'll be my late dinner.
• I've come to realize how terrible I am at decision making, it sucks because I change my mind constantly about everything. Maybe it's good to over analyze things though, I put lots of thought into my decisions and I think it's good because I have never regretted any of them.

28/08/09

• Do you ever stop talking to someone for quite a long time, then you see them and you want to talk to them, but you're not sure if you should? I always have that problem, there is so many people I've lost touch with and sometimes I see them and I just want to start a conversation with them, but I don't know what to say. Because people change... and if I haven't talked to them in a long time then I don't know where it's going to go. There are a whole lot of people that I felt closer than ever with, and now we don't even say a word to each other. It just shows how fast life goes on. But maybe it's for the better?

29/08/09

• People are always letting me down; and yes, they are whom I sadly address as my "friends." It's so predictable too...
• I'm really tired of it, maybe it's karma. Whenever I mess up, something comes around in return and hits me in the face. I can't even explain in words what I'm feeling, I'm really lost for words to say any of this. I try to ignore people when they get to me, or when things are about to escalate into an argument. Maybe it isn't the right thing to do but it's the only way out for me. I don't like taking things any further, so I just temporarily shut the person out.
• So I went back to cleaning my room, I kept getting distracted though. I have a large collection of magazines, I swear I have at least 100+ from over the past couple of years. I chucked out a few old things that I found lying in my room, but I kept a lot of them to remind me of my past. I found stacks of birthday/Christmas cards from relatives and old friends. I'm not done cleaning though, I'm going to gradually clean parts of my room and someday I'll proudly be finished. I can't clean it all in one day because judging the state of my room, I don't think that's even physically possible. Especially at the rate I'm going at.
• My parents are thinking of moving, it's not definite but it's a maybe. The house is supposed to be really nice, with a balcony and in a phenomenal. area, and it's newly built. I don't know if I'm happy or not though, we've already moved once and I've finally gotten used to this house... but no need to worry, they aren't 100% sure about it, yet. I think it's almost an hour away, so it'd probably be harder getting to town and other places that I'm closer to from where I live now.

30/08/09

• I haven't written once today, I got a little busy and I forgot I even had this blog! Today went by so quickly, I slept in for a long time too. I'm so tired right now and a little annoyed to go with it. I've got millions of things running through my mind, I like to write things down so I don't forget about them, because I'm such a forgetful person. I've been thinking of purchasing an ocarina, they play such a beautiful melody. They're pretty rare in Australia, so I could always purchase one online if I wasn't able to find one in store. I've always wanted to learn an instrument, and this one is probably right for me, things like guitars are too difficult for me too learn.
• Life goes so quickly, I hate it. I wish it would slow down.

31/08/09

• I'm very bored, I've been playing on my SNES. But it got boring pretty quickly, I've played all the games over and over again, just never finished most of them. If only I didn't lose some of them, I wouldn't get bored so quickly. Life is so boring right now. Idesperately need some entertain, now please. I've had a fairly shit day today, nothing seems to go right. I'm pretty keen to have a shower soon. I'm really tired, I might take a short nap later on. Hopefully my day will improve...
• There is so much I want to say, I just don't know how to say it.
• I just had a long talk with my mum, about schools. I'm really considering going back to school, still trying to figure out a school that's suitable for me. Or I could go back next year or something, I hate having to do too many subjects.

01/09/09

• I always dream and over analyze things that would never happen. I live in a fantasy world, and I wish it all came true.
• I keep thinking of my past, well, last year. It was good until around September. It just tears me up knowing the things I went through. I was really miserable and I'm just thankful things have changed. There are still a few things that need to be changed, though. I had to see a psychologist, a large number of counsellors and I had to have a "talk" with the principal at school, about the things that I was going through. Oh and don't forget my teacher, or my mum, she was pretty concerned about it too. But guess what? no one helped me. I was treated like absolute crap by the few people who meant the world to me, and no one bothered to turn things around. I hope they're happy that they messed up my life.
• Everything changed when I entered 2009, my life was at its best, until school got hectic. The school was fine aside from the amount of work we were given, and all the events we had to participate in. Fuck it stressed me out, and that's why I left. So that's my story from up to where I am now. Now I'm just deciding on all of this, what I want to do, and where I want to go. And honestly, I have not a damn clue.
• I sort of miss the way things were though, despite how miserable I really was at the time. It was really fun. My life wasn't as boring and dull as it is now. Even if you're still getting hurt in the progress of having fun, maybe it's actually worth it. This probably makes no sense to anyone but myself, because no one other than me, knows all the parts of this. So what if I felt like shit, at least I was living my life.

02/09/09

• My teeth are sore, hate dealing with braces. And in a few days I have to go see the orthodontist, probably to get them tightened. Which means they're going to be ten times sorer than they already are, fantastic! At last, I completed my homework yesterday. C, Z, A, N and C slept at our place last night, they got here at 8.30 yesterday. I'm always laughing when I'm with C, we've been poking fun at and ridiculing peoples MySpace pictures. And murdering people on The Sims 3, how mature of us.

07/09/09

• I've had a mental break down pretty much. But it's okay, I've got a lot of things keeping me sane. I want to play Zelda... Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask. The most amazing thing I've come across in my whole entire life. And I'm thinking of going to the show again, but with my mother this time. Because I still have some cash left. I wish I made more out of it when I was there today, what a shame. I spoke to J today, not in person, of course. but we had a chat through text whilst I was at the show. I miss her, I really do. I wish things went back to the way they were, in sixth grade. But it'll never be the same, the only thing leftover I have, is the thousands of memories stored in my mind, and I treasure all of them.
• As much as I'm not enjoying my life right now, one day I will probably want to go back to this time. I love being young, I wish we didn't grow old. I'd love to be a kid for my whole life, or a teenager at least. I'm listening to the radio, how crappy. Because my laptop volume not working and all. But, a few great bands have been playing, RHCP and Nirvana to name a few.

08/09/09

• I've been much more social as of recent, and to be honest it's made me a lot happier than I normally am. Things are great. I mean, I'm not going out every day, but a lot more than I was a couple of weeks ago. And I'm beginning to socialize more with my old, school friends. I just need to work my way back up the ladder and put the pieces back together. I need to overcome my social anxiety, I need to get back on my feet. I need to erase all of the "what ifs" so I have nothing to stress about. I think I'm almost ready.

12/09/09

• My weekend got a little busy, specifically today. I went into town for a while with Sam. Yesterday was okay, I had Sam and Reece etc. over for the night. Sam and I bought boost juice today in town, and at one point I felt so nauseous. I hated the heat. We didn't even buy anything, so I don't know what the point in going "shopping" was. But it was fun.